Stepping on Toes. Actually not intended.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Allen,

Don't mind me J3B, I am at work right now and dealing with a lot of heat today so I am not in a good mood. lol

I totally understand. 2nd day of not smoking myself, so also not in the best of moods.

I saw that Drew had posted here...normally not his territory so I checked it out. Interesting thread to say the least.

I will say that I absolutely agree with Puppy about many things, including that you have been here offering advice far long than anyone else, to that kuddos.

And you have alot of knowledge in the matter. A bit long winded...but...we all wax on at times.
: )

But if I did that, then it would stand to reason EVERYONE should then be doing that.

Doing something...shouldn't be dependant upon whether other people do it also, sometimes we set examples. You as an older poster would be setting an example.

I am going to trust the judgement of the readers here to infer this in each post on their own if that's ok.

To the newbies who come here, YOU are the authority...you are their judgement. They don't want this problem they want to be told what to do.



Part of the reason why I wanted to talk with Puppy, is recent discovery of his part with the affair, and also similar to your past.

You actually did not confront right away, that is what I took away from your recap. You actaully DBed awhile, but confronted later once you knew for sure?


Curious and since it is easy to read emotion into texts and post, please...read nothing argumentative or confrontational in this.

[Allen A]

I confronted her 4 days after I found out.

I found out from the OM. My w and I shared a pc and my wife left her chat client running from the night before and i hopped onto the PC to check something before I went to work.

I sat down and moved the mouse and a few seconds later

chat client window pops up - "Good Morning My Love"

BOOM, that was enough for me! I did intel for four days and then I confronted her on the Saturday morning. The creep had known her for two weeks and was already advertising the affair all over the internet.. he was shamelessly falunting it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Prior to find out though...you were DBing for a while prior too?

[Allen A]

I will note that I can't post a lot of this up here because i made a commitment to my spouse that I would keep this to a minimum... She wants to work on getting past teh whole thing... and to her mind my writing about it on the public internet doens't help that.

She does and will talk to me about it, so I don't need to talk on here about it. If there was an affair going on with her now I wuoldn't think twice about it, but if your spouse recommits, you need to respect that to a degree.

I share what I need to to help someone else, but I do what I can do keep the info to the min.

She knows about this site and has been here.

She did visit the infidelity section early in her affair, but she was ironically blasted by someone for cheating and arguing about it and she left and never came back.

In her defence, I don't think I have ever seen an Infidelity forum visitor brave enough to post while HAVING an affair..it is always recovering WS's who have cheated or LBS' being cheated on or having been cheated on in the recent past.

So, she was qutie unique in posting. But she got blasted, so she doens't come back here.

I can certainly understand that trying to argue about infidelity on a forum full of people being cheated on is NOT going to turn out well, but I also feel sad that she was driven away when she did want help.

But right now we are recovering and I am doing what I can to respect her wanting minimal "exposure" at this point. She understands the need for it DURING the affair, but now, she wants me to keep to a min.

She is being transparent and not going on any overnight trips or anything, I have no reason to think she's cheating right now, so I am trying to give herr some respect by not saying more than I absolutely need to.

So, I can answer some of your questions, but I may decline others if that's ok.

[Allen A]

We were having probelms but no, I wouldn't say I was db'ing.

I started AFTER I found out.. I hadn't read MWD until after I found out about her cheating.

If I WAS db'ing and following MWD's book BEFORE the affair I am humble enough to admit there may not have BEEN an affair.

Did I cauase it? No. WAs I doing everything I could to PREVENT It? No again.

[Allen A]

Rough outline

Aug - week 3 - wife adds OM to her Friends list first time
Sep week 1 - I find chat client message
Sep week 1 - weekend - confront
Oct - week 2 - start reading DR by MWD

[Jack_Three_Beans]

TOTALLY understand.

Do not feel like you have to answer at all, it is a question about time, not details man.

I know Pie(r)cing is hard. Harder than any of this other crap, its a tighrope, give and take and unlearning DB behaviours we strived to learn.

I understand that as soon as you discovered it you exposed it. (well 4 days) That's quick enough to say imminent exposure.

But prior to discovering it, how long were you Divorce Busting?

That's it.

For the record and your wife. I am sorry she got blasted here. I recall defending a lady from some dipshit who attacked her...
She was looking for help and this guy, just took all his baggage against his wife and ripped into her...couldn't imagine why that guys wife left him at all.

Also,

Allen, good luck in pie(r)cing. I hang out in MLC most of the time, but if you ever need an ear...or : ) advice, you can find me there.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ignore, the question, we were typing at the same time. and Thanks.

[Allen A]

What was it you wanted to learn from the qustion about how long I was dbing?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Gathering at the moment.

It is no stretch to say that there are different opions when it comes to certain issues. Some even have strong propents of their view.

One such topic concerns the affair, and the stance taken.

I consider myself in a group that others would possibly see as non-confrontational...(I'll use the nice word)

However...

Coming across some others pasts, yours included, and re-evaulating mine.

I believe our stances...are not actually all that different. Just (possibly) how we present them.

For instance.

A poster who advises: "Confront now." But who DBed for a while prior to finding out about their spouses affair...had the benefit of DBing, even if they would have confronted their spouse if they had discovered about the affair sooner.

It is currently just an idea in process.

And just laying the bridge work.