One Month Since The Bottom Fell Out

[Lost_Dad]

Hello everyone.
On Valentine's Day the bottom fell out of my marriage with my wife of 7 years. We both had problems over the years with intimacy and expressing our needs to each other. We have always been great companions. We tried to get pregnant for 2 years and after 7 IVF cycles we were blessed with twin boys in 2008. The past two years have been somewhat overwhelming and stressful as we try to raise our boys. My wife and I had drifted apart emotionally over the years, but my feelings for her have never changed. On Valentine's Day she came out and said she "can't do it anymore," and "she doesn't love me anymore" and asked "Why do you love me?" I knew we had issues with communication but never thought it would come to this. She bottles all of her emotions up, and I am good at ignoring my feelings. We basically avoided the issues in favor of dealing with kids and life.
On one other occasion about a week or two later she said "She doesn't think her feelings will change" and she had mentioned that she thought we should start thinking about separating. She has been seeing a therapist since January and I started seeing her therapist separately on Feb. 15 (I have since switched to my own therapist). Her therapist told me how "shut down" my wife is and she has a hopeless feeling about our marriage. Personally, I feel she is also in a state of depression. The one time I tried to talk to her about it all the negative feelings came out again. So we have co-existed with our kids without addressing the issues. My W is very stubborn and she does not offer up her feelings easily. I have looked for any sign of hope in her behavior.
The Pros: We are both caring parents, so when our kids are awake and with us we are very communicative and interactive with each other (while respecting personal space). Someone on the outside probably wouldn't notice any issues.
She hasn't up and left; She hasn't forced the issue about separating; We do eat dinner together; she still does my laundry; I feel she still cares to some degree; She is never outwardly mean; we still look at each other and laugh when the kids do something funny.
The Cons: She is emotionally closed. She doesn't say goodbye to me in the morning, tho she usually says "Hi" when I get home. I offered to sleep in another room; After we eat dinner, she "checks out" and goes upstairs and doesn't make herself available to me. She clutches her feelings with both hands and is very hard to crack.
I have been putting myself through a major transformation via my mind, body and spirit. I am doing everyting I can to show her how much I am willing to change for the better. I never come home other than happy and supportive. I clean, I pick up, and I offer to help out in any way. She accepts my support or says nothing, probably because she feels like I am only doing it to win her back. My therapy has been very helpful and I feel like I am changing for the better, but it's so hard to deal with the 800 elephant in the room everytime we are together. We take our kids to the park and we try to do things as a family for them. I just don't know what else I can do to try and soften her guard and find a way in. The fact that we are still living together gives me a glimmer of hope, or I sometimes feel like she's giving me the silent treatment until I crack and give up. I hope her therapist makes her look at things from a differnt perspective. I will NOT leave my kids and would never grant her a divorce. She is just so unwilling to try anything at this point, and I feel like I am trying to earn her trust all over again. I love my wife and my kids more than anything, and I will stand by her no matter what. I don't drink, do drugs, I don't cheat and I have never been abusive in any way. We just failed to communicate our needs over time. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I never have to say I am sorry again.
Is anyone else in the same position? Living with a "closed down" spouse? I know 4 weeks is not that long, since it took years for her to get into this hole, but I am starving emotionally and all I want to do is grab her and hug her and tell her I will make her that happiest person for the rest of my life.

Wow GWS, it sounds like we are living with the same W!
I've been at this for five months and made many mistakes in the beginning. I'll watch your thread and offer any insights that I can.
Later,
Lost_Dad