The really odd thing that my W said this past Monday night while we were talking for 3 hours was the whole concept of "If you love something let it go..." She used it in the context of my having someone new in my life. Like she is letting me go. WTF???? Where does this logic come from?
from this:
Quote:
He was NOT too thrilled about my going out with my new female friend even as friends. He said whether you call it dating or going out as friends that it is just semantics. I disagree with this because I think it sends a signal to my W that I am not waitig around for her.
Given your wife's history can't you understand how she sees this is what men do, that men can't be relied upon, that they always end up leaving.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So what do you recommend Coach given my wife's history? Should I not be doing things with other women?
Thanks for any advice,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
She also mentioned that she is starting to remember more of the positive things from our past. Why would she say this? Chuck feels that she is starting to feel more comfortable around me and can share things with me but some of the things she shares seem to come out of left field and then at the end of the whole 3 hours she is back to talking about splitting up the Christmas ornaments and the photo albums somehow. It's like she is trying to remind me that this IS happening but Chuck said to smile a little on the inside because this is probably her trying to put herself back on course because things felt like she was getting a little confused. Don't know if that is true but it works for me!
Create more positive experiences together. Connect with her on a emotional level. Be confident, steady and aware.
Be prepared for push back once she feels comfortable again. She needs to know you can stand up to her doubts and fears. She wants you to be dependable, solid, in control, strong and wise. She has doubts and needs you to lead. Make sense?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Create more positive experiences together. Connect with her on a emotional level. Be confident, steady and aware.
Be prepared for push back once she feels comfortable again. She needs to know you can stand up to her doubts and fears. She wants you to be dependable, solid, in control, strong and wise. She has doubts and needs you to lead. Make sense?
Yes it does! Thanks Coach!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Create more positive experiences together. Connect with her on a emotional level. Be confident, steady and aware.
Be prepared for push back once she feels comfortable again. She needs to know you can stand up to her doubts and fears. She wants you to be dependable, solid, in control, strong and wise. She has doubts and needs you to lead. Make sense?
Coack, sandi2, robx, Greek et. al. and anyone else:
RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Major change of plans for W.
Yesterday W tells me that when her lease is up in June (right around the time the D becomes final) she is planning on going back home (1000 miles away) for the summer to be closer to MIL and FIL because they are getting older and she wants to spend time with them. She also wants to spend time with her young nieces and nephews and she also mentioned that she needs to find out about the R with the 2nd EA (which evidently is still going on). She has only committed to the summer for right now but that could also change.
As such this doesn’t really change my plans because I was looking at these next three months as the time that I would try to do what Coach suggested above so that when she does leave she leaves with nothing but positive memories.
In my opinion she seems to be running away from her life here and going back to a group that will support her without questioning her because she feels that everyone in our circle of friends is “judging her”. This also is quite the change of plans from our conversation this past Monday so she is definitely “all over the place” and not really thinking things through. It seems to be VERY reactionary and very spur of the moment. She possibly won’t have any means of income while she is there and mentioned that she might explore school. She told her Mom who was thrilled and said “my baby’s coming home!” and cried which I’m sure made W very happy. I’m sure OM is very happy as well but he seems to be pushing awfully hard for the R and he keeps telling her that she is the love of his life and she has to constantly slow him down and tell him that she is taking things one day at a time. He seems to have her a quite a pedestal and I’m sure right now that it is very appealing to W but I would hope once the “honeymoon phase” wears off the this becomes annoying but who knows.
As far as I know she is still not getting any counseling and she will be leaving her life coach and financial planner but she does have a “big check” to live off of but who knows how long it will last. She is also trying to give her and D20 some space. She talked about how she wishes that she could say something to get D20 to see her side and “fix this”. But I told her to think of it that W is me and D20 is W. No matter how much she wants to fix the R with D20 she can’t because it is up to D20 just like I wish I could fix our R but it is something that I can not fix and it is all up to W. W said that this observation was very insightful so I could at least take pride in that.
Any suggestions going forward? I don’t want to come across as desperate or pursuing but I also want to make sure that this next three months is a VERY positive one for my W and me. I don’t think that going dark is the right thing to do anymore after my talk with my DB coach Chuck. I’m also wondering if finding out about my lady friend or my reluctance to be W’s friend was a catalyst for any of this.
Is W playing me? Is she trying to get a reaction? I really think that she will go through with this so I can’t see what kind of reaction she would be going for. I really think that this is one of those half baked ideas like leaving the marriage without thinking about all the consequences.
All help welcome!
Thanks,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Your W sounds like she's going through a MLC. The idea that she is out looking for a "better life" and that the life she has with you can't be like that.
You can't really change her mind, but you can alter her perception a bit. You can tell her how you still believe in your M and that you will not share her emotionally or physically with OM. Then that's it. I wouldn't help her in any way that encourages her behavior of distancing herself.
Stand strong in your convictions, and understand that you can only control you and not her. In fact she'll call what you're doing "controlling". Don't give in to that. She's going to come up with justifications to do and say what her fogged out mind tells her. The only thing you can do is to be the rock while she's spiralling out of control.
Is the OM married? If he is, I'd tell his W. Do what you can to show her that YOU are the one who is her H.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Texted W and asked if she wanted to go out for dinner and if she wanted to talk. She called back and said that she was open to both so we went out to dinner and talked for about three hours. Great honest conversation which included that she still needs to see about the future with the OM. He is not M. He was D a few months ago. I'm trying to show her the new me and the only push back I really got was the fact that she thinks that I want to save the existing M. I told her that she feels the old M ended last April when she gave me the letter and I feel that the old M ended when we S back in Novemeber.
I told her that it is just semantics and that we are starting to get to know each other again. The new me and the new her and that whether the M ends legally in 3 months or not does not really make a difference. Brought up the subject of our ML at some point in the future and she said that she has been thinking about this but is not ready for it yet. Baby steps!
I plan on being patient and showing her the new me and the confident me who enjoys being with her and talking with her and listening to her. He BD is March 30 and we are scheduled to go to dinner and a concert that night. OW may get her in 3 months but I have her now and I am going to do everything I can to make her decision to leave very difficult.
I am even considering giving her the DR book at some point in the future. I'm sure most of you will NOT agree with this decision but I will monitor her and see how it goes.
Thanks,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
W still loves and cares for me and wants to be “best friends” (I think this is cake eating) and has said all the usual ILYBNILWY, “we just aren’t compatible”, “I don’t think I’ve ever been IN love with you”.
from your latest post,
Quote:
Texted W and asked if she wanted to go out for dinner and if she wanted to talk. She called back and said that she was open to both so we went out to dinner and talked for about three hours. Great honest conversation which included that she still needs to see about the future with the OM.
Texted W and asked if she wanted to go out for dinner and if she wanted to talk. She called back and said that she was open to both so we went out to dinner and talked for about three hours. Great honest conversation which included that she still needs to see about the future with the OM. He is not M. . . .
I plan on being patient and showing her the new me and the confident me who enjoys being with her and talking with her and listening to her.
Ken,
Do you intend to be her sounding board when she wants to talk about OM to you?
This won't work. It's emasculating, she will lose respect for you, and as McQueen says, it doesn't convey "strong, caring husband" to her. Frankly, it conveys "gay boyfriend."
