flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

Well I've decided I am in a rut. My actions and how I am spending my time does not involved GAL enough. I get immediate comfort from spending time in this forum, reading books, etc., but the time is out of balance. Meanwhile I am not doing enough of the activities that I need to be doing: meditation, exercise, paid work, annoying paperwork, expanding my social network, preparing for D. Those activities may help me in the medium turn, but I get NO immediate reward from doing them. So I am in a place where GAL will involve forcing myself to take actions that feel very uncomfortable, and spend less time comforting myself. Unless I ACT like a healthy, positive, well-balanced independent person...I probably won't get there.

My problem is ACTION. Always hard for me. I get tangled up in research, thoughts, plans, second-guessing, mental ruts. I'm starting Zoloft today to see if it helps with focus and anxiety. I may have some situational depression, but from what I understand ADs can help with focus/anxiety as well. So I'd like to see if it can help with that. I need to start experimenting with things that might work rather than trying to figure out what the best thing to do is.

I actually tried Zoloft right after the separation, and had what I thought were horrible side effects and stopped after 4 days. But I also had PMS, pneumonia, was taking hardcore antibiotics, and I was in very early days of "shattering". So I have to see if the side effects really were the Zoloft and not all the other stuff now that I'm more stable.

I do have friends who found that low doses of antidepressants just "took the edge off" and allowed them to start initiating self care activities like exercise, meditation, and making life changes.

This is a hard step for me because I was raised with powerful alternative health messages...pharmaceuticals feel "evil" to me. But at this point I can't afford to wallow when there's something that I can do that stands a good chance of helping me with little effort on my part.