New here but have been a voyeur

[pearlharbr]

he said we should probably talk more..but he hasn't really reached out very much...just little things here or there. Should I make some kind of effort in trying to reconnect?

Why??

Why are you letting him dictate the terms of your reconciliation and then you turn around and try to do all of the work for him?

Go back and reread the detachment description ten more times or until you understand how your actions are the opposite. You are trying to control the situation because things aren't happening on your timeline. Stop it.

You're flip flopping so fast my head is starting to spin. One minute you want to file for divorce, the next you're overly anxious because H hasn't reconnected yet and you want to take matters in your own hands to make it happen now.

Stop focusing on H and the R. Start focusing on you. Perhaps discuss with your IC ways to let go of the controlling behaviors. I get that you've been out of control and want to take that back. But you can only control yourself so stop trying to control H and his actions. It's not healthy.

[Truegritter]

Yup to that.

[lolawar]

my head is spinning too...detachment article has been printed. I really do need to let go.

[Surviving03]

me too... hard part for me is trying to do that before i have even seen him after 7 months and will be seeing him here in about 10 hours... but i am convinced he has some EA going on and is determined to leave me so he can be with this person... so what choice do i have but to detach?

[lolawar]

I need to place all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognize that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
I need to exercise emotional self protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point...

If I don't do this...

I will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control me are the uncontrollables and unchangeables I need to let go of if I want to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
I will probably put off making a decision and following through on it..if I rationally recognize my relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

[lolawar]

I think I have calmed down. Going to the attorney yesterday really had me off balance. All day yesterday...I was back and forth..do it/don't do it/do it/don't do it. I am not sure why I felt like a decision needed to be made but I was putting alot of pressure on myself to make one. I filled out all the papers but the attorney is going to hold onto them. When I am ready- give her a call and we are ready to go. phew...

I was supposed to call H last night about dealing with basement floor/water issues. A friend of mine came over unexpectedly so I didn't make the call. I texted him later in the night to apologize and that I would give him a call today.

Today-He told me that it didnt appear like I wanted to work on things. I told him that we need to work on being friends first and mutual respect. He apologized for 'Are you blind?' dog poop comment. He said that he was out of line and shouldn't have spoken to me that way?????!!! Wow- an apology. He asked if we could talk tonight. He sounded like 'nice/rational' H.

Reading about detachment all day...I really want this to sink in...
Pearl...definite control issues I need to look into..I never feel like the need to be in control of everything until I feel like I am completely out of control..and I hit the panic button.

[Truegritter]

Lola

I never feel like the need to be in control of everything until I feel like I am completely out of control..and I hit the panic button.

Lola this is me too. It's good you're reading the detach stuff and it looks like you get the logic. Now the hard part. You have to live it. Don't be so available. Don't be disrespectful either but you don't have to get right back to him. You don't have to keep checking all the ways he communicates with you to see what's up. Just take baby steps. Set little goals like I am not going to think about H for one whole day. When you feel yourself doing it catch yourself and say DETACH. If he calls you or contacts you wait the day and say to yourself DETACH.

Now I am saying do as I say not as I do. This is very hard. Don't kill yourself with it, but pretend like its medicine and if you don't take it you're going to get sicker. Which is true.

Do your GALing. BTW did I remember you are learning Italian? If so how are you doing it? I have tried several times but now may be a good time for me to do it for real.

Ciao

Grit

[pearlharbr]

I get it Lola, honest I do. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I wouldn't say anything if I didn't think you could take it and/or it wouldn't help.

Many people here will tell you that backslides aren't a big deal so don't beat yourself up over it. I don't believe that. I know for a fact that my backslides and not understanding the concepts set me back months. I don't want that to happen to anyone else if I can help it. But if you only want cheerleaders then let me know now and I will keep my advice to myself.

An apology for rude behavior is nice. Put it up on the shelf for now. After a while you can go back and look at all of your interactions with H and see if most of them are good and positive, if it's 50/50, or if it's mostly negative and painful.

This is a great thread on detachment that I just saw today. I think steady explains it really well.

[lolawar]

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who is working at another big firm..he has been telling me about job opportunities in his department. It left me with some unsettling feelings...

1) I would typically call my H and ask for his opinion..it feels so weird not considering him in my future plans
2) I used to be so confident...I have to say that my personal situation has really shaken up my confidence. I always had the 'I can do anything' mentality. I am not feeling that right now and I need to figure out how to get that back.
3) I used to be so career oriented..and passionate about work. I haven't felt that way in quite some time. So many distractions. Also, about two years ago I took a position that hasn't really challenged me so I have lost interest. I need to figure out how to focus.

I am upset that I let this situation shake my confidence..I hate that I let my H's put downs impact me. Even though I would try to ignore them...it has worn me down a bit. ...and I know..detach.

Pearl-
I also read the post you mentioned on detachment..I have had a detachment filled day and please keep the advice coming..no need to sugar coat anything with me..I appreciate honesty so no need to apologize. It is so easy to let the situation control you and make you feel (and act) crazy at times. I take all the advice to heart..I know it is coming from a good place and it is coming from experience. This is why I am here.

Grit-
Our intentions are always good..we know what we should be doing..but when our emotions get involved..everything we know goes out the window. It is hard to just feel the emotion and not react to it.

Regarding the Italian..I got Rosetta Stone. It was fantastic but I just didn't have enough time to learn before my trip to Italy this past fall. When I returned...I found out that my H continued his A and I lost my mojo. I am upset with myself for not sticking to it and hopefully will go back to it. My mother is from Italy..learning Italian was always something I wanted to do. I even did a study abroad at the University of Sienna when in college...but that turned into a big party with friends. I haven't given up ; ) It is just shelved for the moment.

[pearlharbr]

Ok, then time to take the Rosetta Stone off the shelf and make some time! Can you do 30 minutes a day? I would love to learn Italian. I tried to pick up a few phrases before I went to Rome over Thanksgiving. Luckily I was able to at least read some basic signs since I have some romance language (French) background. Makes me want to get out my French CDs and work on that just in case I make it back to Paris.

Try not to worry about making decisions about your life without H's input. Honestly, you have to do what is best for you because no one else will. If you're interested in a new job then apply! Just because you submit a resume doesn't mean you have to take the job. It's not like you're considering a move across country or farther. And if you want to do that it's ok to think about it!

Remember, right now you're primary job is to take care of Lola. Figure out how to be the best version of Lola. What does Lola want out of life for herself?