newmama - i totally understand what you are saying. Let me say that the only contact that has been made has been friendly and supportive of each other and the situation we have both found ourselves in. I really only have talked to her a few times since she called me, and several texts (mostly forwards from OM about how my W meant nothing to him....those went over well with my W)
I do want to reconcile with my W, but there are some things i still need to clear up (which she feels like i am beating her up about) before i can say for sure we are together.
Right now the tree has been removed from my home and trying to repair the whole in the roof....not sure how long that is going to take and making my W upset (i called her selfish on this one)
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
do the "mental movies" ever disapate? I am trying, but sometiems the waves of emotions get me and i start to slide back to my "old ways" - which does no one any good (hey at least i learned that about myself right...lol).
i am trying to break that - any suggestion on how to slow down the rollercoaster of emotions that generate in my own little head?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
But I think the decision should mostly be left to the OMW, not the WS in this case, who is petitioning for the communication to end.
And remember the OMW is going through now a divorce apparently too, a lot more painful than reconcilliation is it not? Isn't that what we argue here?
It certainly should not end this soon.
There are precautions that can be taken :
SPeakerphone discussion only with WS, BS, and OMW present in each session. No in person visits.
Ensure OMW has a good Family Therapist that she is working with, etc
It should end, but not at teh demands of a WS feeling guilty. And yes there is risk of a counter-affair taking place, but precautions can be put in place here to ensure this doesn't happen.
I think OMW actually hearing remorse from WS and WS hearing how much hurt they have brought to someone's home (two homes in this case) will speed UP the recovery process...
The idea that this be CUT OFF becuase one person of the three feels uncomfortable doesn't rest easy with me... certainly it should'nt last indefiniately, and even offer a cut off date of say six months or so... but I woudln't budge on this right away.
do the "mental movies" ever disapate? I am trying, but sometiems the waves of emotions get me and i start to slide back to my "old ways" - which does no one any good (hey at least i learned that about myself right...lol).
i am trying to break that - any suggestion on how to slow down the rollercoaster of emotions that generate in my own little head?
Ive been following your stitch trying to come up with these same answers. I have no proof that W is with OM, but all the classic signs are there. If you do come up with the answer please share and Ill take you out for steak and beers.
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
do the "mental movies" ever disapate? I am trying, but sometiems the waves of emotions get me and i start to slide back to my "old ways" - which does no one any good (hey at least i learned that about myself right...lol).
i am trying to break that - any suggestion on how to slow down the rollercoaster of emotions that generate in my own little head?
1) Loving detachment. This will work or it won't. gman will be a better person with or without W.
2) Hard Exercise. When I just couldn't take the images any more, I lifted weights until I was about to pass out. Running works, but for me I had to have the headphones with the running. I really pushed myself to make it all go away.
3) Feeling it over time. You really do have to feel all this stuff. Once you've dealt with it, it will start to go away. That's why drugs/alcohol don't work. They only delay you actually feeling all the pain that you need to experience. (That said ADs can be a real help. I think they "spread out" the pain.)
I can honestly say that at one time I couldn't go a minute without picturing the infidelities. A year later, I had to be reminded about some details that I thought would never leave my head. It does get better.
do the "mental movies" ever disapate? I am trying, but sometiems the waves of emotions get me and i start to slide back to my "old ways" - which does no one any good (hey at least i learned that about myself right...lol).
i am trying to break that - any suggestion on how to slow down the rollercoaster of emotions that generate in my own little head?
1) Loving detachment. This will work or it won't. gman will be a better person with or without W.
2) Hard Exercise. When I just couldn't take the images any more, I lifted weights until I was about to pass out. Running works, but for me I had to have the headphones with the running. I really pushed myself to make it all go away.
3) Feeling it over time. You really do have to feel all this stuff. Once you've dealt with it, it will start to go away. That's why drugs/alcohol don't work. They only delay you actually feeling all the pain that you need to experience. (That said ADs can be a real help. I think they "spread out" the pain.)
I can honestly say that at one time I couldn't go a minute without picturing the infidelities. A year later, I had to be reminded about some details that I thought would never leave my head. It does get better.
SpinFree
That's a helpful post Spinfree.
Quote:
You really do have to feel all this stuff. Once you've dealt with it, it will start to go away. That's why drugs/alcohol don't work.
Don't hide from what you are experiencing.
"In my dream I was drowning my sorrows But my sorrows, they learned to swim."
- Bono, Until the End of the World.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
1) Loving detachment. This will work or it won't. gman will be a better person with or without W.
2) Hard Exercise. When I just couldn't take the images any more, I lifted weights until I was about to pass out. Running works, but for me I had to have the headphones with the running. I really pushed myself to make it all go away.
3) Feeling it over time. You really do have to feel all this stuff. Once you've dealt with it, it will start to go away. That's why drugs/alcohol don't work. They only delay you actually feeling all the pain that you need to experience. (That said ADs can be a real help. I think they "spread out" the pain.)
I can honestly say that at one time I couldn't go a minute without picturing the infidelities. A year later, I had to be reminded about some details that I thought would never leave my head. It does get better.
SpinFree
The loving detachment – how do I do this without seeming like I am ignoring her or punishing her non-stop? well i know for sure the hard exercise is what i am doing right now – last night I ran so hard I almost puked (on the bright side I am down almost 15 pounds and other women have been telling me that I look great….lol).
Feeling it over time….i feel it 24 hours right now (think I need to go to doctor and get sleeping pills – about 5 total hours of sleep the past two nights).
Now I am not looking for validation from anyone on this site but I feel like after I layed down my immediate boundries, that she is feeling like I am “controlling” her, which is one of our underlying problems. I go back to the marriage is like a house analogy with her (she read it and totally understands it) and tell her that the tree is gone from the roof but she seems to think the whole is repaired and is trying to fix underlying problems not repair the whole that is still there.
Is it wrong of me to expect her to be coming to me, apologizing, showing through her actions that she really wants the marriage to work not just the “idea”. In her defense I am a physical love language and she a service, never been one to openly show affection in the past…am I trying to repair the house before fixing the whole too?
oh wired - if i figure it out i will buy YOU a steak and beer!
Last edited by gman; 03/18/1001:14 PM.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Gman I think there is a small section in DR where MWD addresses the unfaithful spouse and gives some tips like
1. The constant need for checking in will fade over time 2. No overnight trips 3. If he wants you to call in three times a day, do it 4. You can never say "sorry" enough
etc, I roughly remember thse, I am at work and I don't have the text with me so I can't confirm.
There are a lot of good books that outline the infidelity recovery phase well, I suspect she has'nt researched any of them
But MWD's infidelity section IS a start I suppose, I think Glass and Spring both offer some very extensive outlines of how to work through that part of recovery.
My guess is your wife is so humiliated, frustrated, angry, and just plain exhausted from the affair she just wants to move ON and start the handy work of repairing the marriage
The HOLE in the roof after the TREE is gone is the HOLE in your HEART... she needs to do some handiwork there before she starts to redecorate the home.
Your wife's frustrated, I get that, but the healthiest outlet for this is research into how to get OUT of the frustration...
I really dont know how much spoon feeding you want to do here with her, tha'ts your call... but Glass and Spring to my recollection offer some good stuff
I would suggest YOU read them first to see if it puts some words to how you feel and what you are missing.
I try to look at teh LL as a limitation that we hold on ourselves. If her instincts are Acts of Service, she needs to learn the OTHER four, AOS, is EASY for her.
Let's put it this way.. what is the full timeline here?
At what day did the contact officially END to your knoweldge?
how long have you HAD to recover?
After a certain point she can certainly complain you are cake eating yourself, but we need to know how long you've been wrestling with all of this.
I would say a person needs at minimum three months to ercover from infidelity... at LEAST.
And this can be helped or hindered by the choices of the WS.
