New member, same old story...WAW

[Lost_Dad]

Her issues were that I didn't help out enough, was detached from our kids,wasn't a caring enough person, we have nothing in common, I'm different than I was when we married, she takes care of everything & etc.

True? Do you see it this way?

-No, not totally. I'm smart enough to see that young children are more attached to their mothers and as they get older that attachment lessens. It is true that we got caught up in "life" and didn't make as much time for us away from the kids. I feel that I had a good work/life balance but may have made things like car/home maintenance more of a priority than household items. It's a catch 22, my time vs money to pay someone to do a job that I can do.

She only had one close friend and that friend moved out of her life in '96. She never made any new friends and never got out to do "girl stuff" and looked to me to fill this gap. She buried herself in being a mom and working. She gave up any hobbies she once had and took on the things that I did, never telling me about how important doing things she wanted to do was(there is some resentment from her about that).

Good insight. Is this her perspective, too?
-I don't know.

I've made the changes on the home front that W wanted (for me) and continue to improve my self daily. I've gone kind of
grey with my W, not dark to give her space since the last thing she said is "our R will never be fixed, too late I'm done".

I said this, too, and my H made the changes (as you have). He attracted me home - so it can happen. Be smart.

I have read the forum (and others) and had a phone consult with Chuck and he is suggesting to talk to her and just listen to her demands.

Not crazy about that word. What does she WANT? When building a partnership, 'demand' doesn't work well.

So what does she want? She wants to separate? Why? For a temporary 'let's see what happens' or to begin the process of D in earnest?

If she is insistent on separation, tell her "W, I disagree with your plan to separate. However, you should do what you think is best and I won't stop you from packing your things and finding another place to live." In other words, you can't stop her from wanting to leave you or leaving you - but you STAY PUT. Make her put her Big Girl Panties on - if she is done, then the Big Girl needs to leave. LostDad doesn't move out of his home.

Greek

Maybe "Demands" is too harsh. The last "quick" chat went like this:(W) We have to talk about what we are doing. I want the house and the kids ok? (Me)No, I'm not ready for this but I was thinking that I'd stay in the house and keep the kids here during the week for school and it would be joint custody.
(W) We're going to have a problem then.
That was three weeks ago.
I have heard from her family that she is seeking a separation not a divorce. I find that strange.
Thanks for the reply,
Lost_Dad