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Greetings everyone,
I'm new to this board and like everyone, I'm looking for answers.My wife and I have known each other since we were in our teens.I'm 43, she's 40 this year. I started to notice a slight change in her actions/personality last year, starting to become withdrawn and sometimes angry with me, but it would pass. I never seen this as warning signs and carried on as normal. Last Sept., I got the ILYBNILWY talk
from her. I was blindsided. to summarize the events after that I did every wrong thing in the book to fix it which has lead to where I am now.
The back story: We dated briefly in our teens. W and I moved on to OP. W dated a friend in our group and that lead to marriage and 9 months later her H was killed in a accident. We reconnected (maybe too soon) 3-4 months later and were married about two yrs later(my first M). We have three
kids and they are what is gluing us together right now. W thinks of herself as separated from me right now. we live in the same home, share the same bed and do other things like a married couple, but there is no communication between us.
This is because all W wants to talk about is separation and I'm not ready for this talk yet.
Her issues were that I didn't help out enough, was detached from our kids,wasn't a caring enough person, we have nothing in common, I'm different than I was when we married, she takes care of everything & etc.
My point of view of my W; She only had one close friend and that friend moved out of her life in '96. She never made any new friends and never got out to do "girl stuff" and looked to me to fill this gap. She buried herself in being a mom and working. She gave up any hobbies she once had and took on the things that I did, never telling me about how important doing things she wanted to do was(there is some resentment from her about that).
I admit, I didn't always do housework but I took care of our kids when I could.I fixed our cars and home.
Went through three major career changes and might be on my fourth.I don't drink or do the bar thing, I was a stay at home kind of guy, only out one or two nights a week.
I kept my hobbies and interests but have cut them back a bit.
I have gone through a lot of the emotional madness over the last few months and I'm starting to mellow out a bit. I've made the changes on the home front that W wanted (for me) and continue to improve my self daily. I've gone kind of
grey with my W, not dark to give her space since the last thing she said is "our R will never be fixed, too late I'm done".
I have read the forum (and others) and had a phone consult with Chuck and he is suggesting to talk to her and just listen to her demands.
My other "advisor" at the moment is suggesting to wait for her to make the move.I'm not pushing right now.I need the "head space" time. I can tell my W feels that she gave and gave but got nothing back. There is no OP for either of us.
If anyone has any thoughts or comments on anything, I'll welcome them.
-Lost_Dad


Me 44
Her BIG 40
D 13
D 11
S 9
M'd 14yrs
not in love bomb Sept 09
Wanting Separation Jan 10
Me trying to DB
I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
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Good morning, Lost_Dad
Just wanted to say hello and welcome. Sorry you find yourself here but you couldn't be in a better spot for support. Good for you for reaching out for help. Be sure to read as many of the threads as you can; they're so helpful and contain a lot of excellent advice. I'm pretty new here myself, so just wanted to offer my welcome, and to say hang in there! I'm sure one of the more experienced folks will be along soon.


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Originally Posted By: Lost_Dad

Her issues were that I didn't help out enough, was detached from our kids,wasn't a caring enough person, we have nothing in common, I'm different than I was when we married, she takes care of everything & etc.

True? Do you see it this way?

Quote:
She only had one close friend and that friend moved out of her life in '96. She never made any new friends and never got out to do "girl stuff" and looked to me to fill this gap. She buried herself in being a mom and working. She gave up any hobbies she once had and took on the things that I did, never telling me about how important doing things she wanted to do was(there is some resentment from her about that).
Good insight. Is this her perspective, too?

Quote:
I've made the changes on the home front that W wanted (for me) and continue to improve my self daily. I've gone kind of
grey with my W, not dark to give her space since the last thing she said is "our R will never be fixed, too late I'm done".
I said this, too, and my H made the changes (as you have). He attracted me home - so it can happen. Be smart.

Quote:
I have read the forum (and others) and had a phone consult with Chuck and he is suggesting to talk to her and just listen to her demands.
Not crazy about that word. What does she WANT? When building a partnership, 'demand' doesn't work well.

So what does she want? She wants to separate? Why? For a temporary 'let's see what happens' or to begin the process of D in earnest?

If she is insistent on separation, tell her "W, I disagree with your plan to separate. However, you should do what you think is best and I won't stop you from packing your things and finding another place to live." In other words, you can't stop her from wanting to leave you or leaving you - but you STAY PUT. Make her put her Big Girl Panties on - if she is done, then the Big Girl needs to leave. LostDad doesn't move out of his home.

Greek


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.
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Lost_Dad: I am in the same boat, different river. Many of your issues are my issues, and my wife too doesn't have a network of friends she sees with any regularity. It's just kids, kids, 24-7. My wife let years of me not being a good mindreader affect her view of our M. She is hanging onto old feelings and she doesn't see her feelings ever changing. On top of it, she has this illusion that I will be a great dad when we separate and I will be very involved in their lives...or as much as I want to be. I am dealing with a depressed, stubborn, hopeless soul that refuses to look forward and make the necessary changes. I have already taken the steps to change and we still live together and only bond through our kids. When they go to bed, she shuts down. We co-exist. But all I can say is keep making positive changes in your own life and don't talk about it, just do it. Be indespensible to her. Be empathetic and you have to seriously do all of these things because you WANT to regardless of how she feels. She can sense if you are just doing it as a temporary fix. She's watching through very skeptical eyes. After a month, my wife is still imprisoned by negativity. I do all that I can, but at some point you have to stop being a puppy dog and stiffen your backbone and stand up for yourself. Don't be a doormat. She won't respect you. Be supportive and let your actions speak loudly.

Good luck.

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Thanks for the welcome.


Me 44
Her BIG 40
D 13
D 11
S 9
M'd 14yrs
not in love bomb Sept 09
Wanting Separation Jan 10
Me trying to DB
I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 21
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Posts: 21
Originally Posted By: Greek
Originally Posted By: Lost_Dad

Her issues were that I didn't help out enough, was detached from our kids,wasn't a caring enough person, we have nothing in common, I'm different than I was when we married, she takes care of everything & etc.

True? Do you see it this way?

-No, not totally. I'm smart enough to see that young children are more attached to their mothers and as they get older that attachment lessens. It is true that we got caught up in "life" and didn't make as much time for us away from the kids. I feel that I had a good work/life balance but may have made things like car/home maintenance more of a priority than household items. It's a catch 22, my time vs money to pay someone to do a job that I can do.

Quote:
She only had one close friend and that friend moved out of her life in '96. She never made any new friends and never got out to do "girl stuff" and looked to me to fill this gap. She buried herself in being a mom and working. She gave up any hobbies she once had and took on the things that I did, never telling me about how important doing things she wanted to do was(there is some resentment from her about that).

Good insight. Is this her perspective, too?
-I don't know.

Quote:
I've made the changes on the home front that W wanted (for me) and continue to improve my self daily. I've gone kind of
grey with my W, not dark to give her space since the last thing she said is "our R will never be fixed, too late I'm done".

I said this, too, and my H made the changes (as you have). He attracted me home - so it can happen. Be smart.

Quote:
I have read the forum (and others) and had a phone consult with Chuck and he is suggesting to talk to her and just listen to her demands.
Not crazy about that word. What does she WANT? When building a partnership, 'demand' doesn't work well.

So what does she want? She wants to separate? Why? For a temporary 'let's see what happens' or to begin the process of D in earnest?

If she is insistent on separation, tell her "W, I disagree with your plan to separate. However, you should do what you think is best and I won't stop you from packing your things and finding another place to live." In other words, you can't stop her from wanting to leave you or leaving you - but you STAY PUT. Make her put her Big Girl Panties on - if she is done, then the Big Girl needs to leave. LostDad doesn't move out of his home.

Greek

Maybe "Demands" is too harsh. The last "quick" chat went like this:(W) We have to talk about what we are doing. I want the house and the kids ok? (Me)No, I'm not ready for this but I was thinking that I'd stay in the house and keep the kids here during the week for school and it would be joint custody.
(W) We're going to have a problem then.
That was three weeks ago.
I have heard from her family that she is seeking a separation not a divorce. I find that strange.
Thanks for the reply,
Lost_Dad


Me 44
Her BIG 40
D 13
D 11
S 9
M'd 14yrs
not in love bomb Sept 09
Wanting Separation Jan 10
Me trying to DB
I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,451
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Quote:

Maybe "Demands" is too harsh. The last "quick" chat went like this:(W) We have to talk about what we are doing. I want the house and the kids ok? (Me)No, I'm not ready for this but I was thinking that I'd stay in the house and keep the kids here during the week for school and it would be joint custody.
(W) We're going to have a problem then.

That was three weeks ago.
I have heard from her family that she is seeking a separation not a divorce. I find that strange.
Thanks for the reply,
Lost_Dad


Telling her that you are not ready implies that at some point, perhaps with time, you will be. Will you eventually be ready to separate? Or are you philosophically opposed to it? If you are opposed then tell her that, followed by, "And for that reason, while I know I cannot stop you from leaving, I will be staying put in the family home."
Greek


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 21
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Originally Posted By: gws
Lost_Dad: I am in the same boat, different river. Many of your issues are my issues, and my wife too doesn't have a network of friends she sees with any regularity. It's just kids, kids, 24-7. My wife let years of me not being a good mindreader affect her view of our M. She is hanging onto old feelings and she doesn't see her feelings ever changing. On top of it, she has this illusion that I will be a great dad when we separate and I will be very involved in their lives...or as much as I want to be. I am dealing with a depressed, stubborn, hopeless soul that refuses to look forward and make the necessary changes. I have already taken the steps to change and we still live together and only bond through our kids. When they go to bed, she shuts down. We co-exist. But all I can say is keep making positive changes in your own life and don't talk about it, just do it. Be indespensible to her. Be empathetic and you have to seriously do all of these things because you WANT to regardless of how she feels. She can sense if you are just doing it as a temporary fix. She's watching through very skeptical eyes. After a month, my wife is still imprisoned by negativity. I do all that I can, but at some point you have to stop being a puppy dog and stiffen your backbone and stand up for yourself. Don't be a doormat. She won't respect you. Be supportive and let your actions speak loudly.

Good luck.

Thanks GWS,
I'll tell you, I know stubborn, negativity, coldness & shutting down. I've been living that for the last five months.
Everything that I know right now is based off of impressions that I get from her. Any previous talk of R from her sets me as the bad guy and it's my fault. I agree with you, my mind reading skills suck too. My W has spent the last ten years bottling up all this discontent and it's finally come out.
She can't confront and avoids it and we never had an argument in all these years of marriage so having this bomb dropped was a shock.
Later,
Lost_Dad


Me 44
Her BIG 40
D 13
D 11
S 9
M'd 14yrs
not in love bomb Sept 09
Wanting Separation Jan 10
Me trying to DB
I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 21
L
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 21
Originally Posted By: Greek
Quote:

Maybe "Demands" is too harsh. The last "quick" chat went like this:(W) We have to talk about what we are doing. I want the house and the kids ok? (Me)No, I'm not ready for this but I was thinking that I'd stay in the house and keep the kids here during the week for school and it would be joint custody.
(W) We're going to have a problem then.

That was three weeks ago.
I have heard from her family that she is seeking a separation not a divorce. I find that strange.
Thanks for the reply,
Lost_Dad


Telling her that you are not ready implies that at some point, perhaps with time, you will be. Will you eventually be ready to separate? Or are you philosophically opposed to it? If you are opposed then tell her that, followed by, "And for that reason, while I know I cannot stop you from leaving, I will be staying put in the family home."
Greek

Greek, she is aware that I want to stay married to her for life. At one time she was begging for me to "just let me go". She can't just do it herself (guilt?). I have told her that she is free to leave and it's not what I want.
What I'm not ready for is the talk of who gets what and when/what we tell the kids.
There has never been a divorce in my family so all this is very new to me. On her side of the family it's the other story, FIL left for seven years then returned, SIL, on her third & BIL on his second M.
It's like playing a stacked deck.


Me 44
Her BIG 40
D 13
D 11
S 9
M'd 14yrs
not in love bomb Sept 09
Wanting Separation Jan 10
Me trying to DB
I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Did she receive any counseling after her first H was killed?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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