Question about Detachment Sermon

[job]

I am very sorry to read that he is still h@ll bent on a divorce. Ah, yes, your xh is one happy clam right about now because he thinks he's going to get everything he wanted and you will be the one that will have the full responsiblity of raising your children. Of course, he'll promise you the moon, because he does not think you will challenge him on anything. Let's just see how happy this clam is when he finds out how much money he's going to have to fork over for support, etc.

Oh, btw, a majority of them are this way until the euphoria wears off and they discover that you and the marriage are not the issue. I just love how they all continue to want to be best friends with us! Being best friends w/them is so totally different from what we consider best friends.

Please, please take care of yourself. Do what you have to do to protect your assets. Please be sure you get what you are entitled to and not one penny less. It's expensive raising children and moving, etc. Do not feel sorry for him. This is now a business deal gone sour and you, as the other partner, need to protect yourself financially.

[Round2]

Thanks Snodderly! I always appreciate it when you stop by and lend some of your wisdom and experience!

I am working on ME....staying focused on my growth, leaning on God so hard He may fall over.... crying my eyes out every now and again...but, I know that I know... I can't control it, I can't change it...I am in it for the long haul...

Divorced or not, I will always love that Man and will always be here forgiving him IF and WHEN... he ever comes back...?
If Not...well then, I have grown into a NEW and VERY Strong woman in the meaning time and I can only pray that he does not get STUCK and that when he (arrives) he is BETTER inside.

[courageous wife]

((R2)) I know how you are feeling since my H is doing the same thing...take care of yourself hun!!

[Round2]

Thanks CW...doing my best....

I find myself saying WHY a lot...probably too much...as I know there is no answer for it. It's necessary. I was reading the Sermons that HB wrote last night and WOW are they EVER helpful...

Especially the quote "The weak become strong; the strong become weak, the quiet become loud, the loud become quiet--see the correlation? "

This is SO me now, Stronger and Quiet (gentle in my ways and spirit) and now he is WEAK and LOUD (anger, bitter, ugly, etc)

It's amazing how that happens.

Also, she talks about how we become opposite who we were before in the M now... that this is the second phase of our lives and so we become the opposite ( HAH, obviously because the previous DID NOT WORK ) its surely didn't work for me...
In 4 short months I have grown tremendously...
Guess I just wish H and I could do it together....but that is NOT how it works....and I GET THAT NOW~!

(((( )))) Take Care

[courageous wife]

R2 it sounds like you are doing well despite everything! I need to read the sermsons myself. Deep down, I still have the "disbelief" that this is really happening and I do well for quite awhile and then something happens to bring me back to reality that this is indeed happening and there is not a dang thing I can do about it but to take the journey, become a stronger and better person and have faith that there will be better things down the road for you and me!!!

[Round2]

Read them ALL.... you won't be sorry! They are amazing. Very Very helpful. HB has some very helpful info there...
Thinking of you and wishing you well..

((( ))) R2

[courageous wife]

Thanks, I will. How are you doing today R2?

[Round2]

CW,

I am hanging in there. Working everyday on detaching.
It's weird sometimes with him being gone for so long already
(3 months) it's like he was never here....
Maybe thats the detachment settling in with me.

I don't miss him much. I miss being a family and what we once were when we were happy. I know we came to this time for a reason, it was finally time for BOTH of us to work on ourselves individually...guess I am just sad we couldnt do it 'together' (individually) instead of him divorcing me.

But I am learning so much. I read an archive from Snodderly last night that was amazing...
Its in rummaging around thew archives under MLC Resources....

I will share what hit home for me: (most all she says does, just like HB, but this is REALLY good)

You my have read it, so disregard if you have, but it was very helpful to me, take good care CW ((( )))

[quote]Snodderly (18/11/02) (11/18/02)

I'm going to tell you what I know from experiencing not once but twice. My ex-h began his mlc probably in 1998. The replay is a very gradual stage. To me, it is the second worse stage of mlc. Anger being the first. My ex-h began to use the computer all of the time. He was in chatrooms talking to people about things that didn't make sense to me, but to him they did. He was into porno sites, he watched a lot of tv and slowly withdrew from me and the activities that he once loved. He shaved his head and started dressing like the kids of today. I thought he was trying to get attention. Little did I know that I was in the midst of a living hell. His taste in food, drinks, music and clothes began to change more and more. That summer, we were at every amusement park, carnival and concert that was available. He became moody and started searching on the net in classmates.com for people he went to school with 20+ years ago. He started driving around his old hometown just looking and doing whatever else he did to think about the past. He began looking at old photos and talking about the past w/his family. This was all new to me, since he never talked much about his past. This man was a loner and didn't have many friends. During mlc, the mlcers feel very alone and will isolate themselves from the people who really care. There were times he couldn't account for in his day. He slept a lot and his moods swung back and forth. He would act childish one minute and in the next wanted to be treated as an adult. There were times he wanted to be alone and others he didn't. He began to acquire aches, pains and illnesses. He acquired new friends that were either separated or divorced and were not of his type before. He wanted to take our life savings and put it on the stock market. Money began to disappear from the accounts and that's when I put a hold on the funds. His memory became really bad during this time. Before too long, he was on the net looking for houses to rent. He was talking of moving out every time something didn't suit him. Once he moved out, I discovered the OW. I truly believe had I not finally called his bluff on moving out, he would be at home today or 6 feet under. The OW was ugly to boot. Now, the old timers are constantly repeating to you over and over again, the OW is nothing but a catalyst to help him out the door. She is nothing but someone that he feels he can talk to and get admiration, encouragement and stroking of the ego and yes, SEX. Not what we call making love, but down right SEX. This woman means absolutely nothing to him. He is searching for someone to act as a mother during this part of his crisis. How can you love your mother in an intimate relationship? You can't. So, please keep in mind, she's nothing. Now, during the replay stage, your man is hurting terribly. The pain is awful. There are days when they simply can't get through the day. They will isolate themselves from you and anyone of the present time. They do love you, but it is buried very deep during this time, as the inner child has taken over and has taken them back in time. I have heard it from the PI that I had hired that my ex-spoke of nothing of the present or future. He talked of the past and all that he had done and the type of job he currently has. He did say he lived in my town one time, but that was it. He had gone back in time. I didn't exist until he had a moment of sanity. They tend to put the present and all that's in it in a box and store it away until they need a reality check in the real world. It's not that they don't care about you or how you feel about things, they are just incapable of doing anything for you right now. They are trying to find ways to ease their pain and they sure as hell can't talk to us the people who love them. Don't even think that they are out there having the time of their lives because they aren't. Sure they may go on trips, but the change of scenery lifts their spirits for just a little while and the inner child comes calling them back to their living hell. They may party or spend money, but the pain never goes away. They can't sleep at night because they are afraid of the demons and from dying. They are up all night on the internet or in bars just to keep their minds from driving them crazy. Their brains are racing 24/7 and there's no way to stop the thoughts that are flying around inside. They are pinballing off the walls at times. They have highs and then lows. Their world is not fun nor happy. Take a real good look at your man. Has he lost weight, is he pale and ashen, check out the dark circles, wrinkles, graying hair, dead eyes and above all no smile on his face. Does this spell happiness? No, it doesn't. It tells me that your man is going through an emotional trauma that none of you can ever imagine. They can't talk to us because they are afraid we will tell them to snap out of it and get on with their lives. They are afraid that we will judge them, criticize them or make fun of them. They can't bear to be around us because of their shame and guilt for something that happened to them so long ago. They feel dirty and confused and look at us as the authority figures in their lives. They want us close, but yet they want us to leave them alone to figure things out. Their apartments, etc. become their safe havens and you probably will not be told where they are living. It is the only safe place that they can go and cry and be by themselves to deal w/their crisis and the horrible emotional pain. Their memories become awful. They will tell you that they will come by, email you or phone you. They won't remember. Time for the mlcer is very slow and is not the same for us. You see, your mlcer has gone back in time and must search for what is missing from that growth period. I never understood any of this the first time around. Because I didn't understand what was happening, my ex-h divorced me. I was given the opportunity to go through another crisis w/someone else and you know what? He's doing the exact same things that my ex-h did. Troting right down memory lane. Each and every mlcer will do the exact same things, but in various degrees. Please understand that what your spouses are saying and doing is nothing personal against you. He is dealing w/his crisis in the best way possible. I will caution you, do not threaten, argue, plead, cry or show anger towards your mlcer. It will do no good except make him extremely angry. They are very good at lying, deceiving and manipulating at this time. The person you knew is now the mirror image of the man you were married to. They become totally opposite and you have to accept him as he is today. If you don't, you will have created a lot of heartache for yourselves. The best advice that I can give to each of you is this, be compassionate

The advice I was given three years ago was to leave them alone, allow them to come to you when they need your support. The less you aggravate them, the quicker they will heal.

I know that you are having a very hard time dealing with your man's crisis, but if you continue to allow the OW to enter into your thoughts all of the time, you are giving her control over your situation. She is absolutely nothing to you or your h. He's using her as a bandaid for his pain. Affairs will last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. If you must deal w/your mlcer, always speak to him in a very calm voice and never bring up the OW.

Sooner or later, the OW will slip up and begin to set demands and that's where you will enter the picture w/a safe haven for him. Always, always keep your expectations at zero when dealing w/your spouses.

it's important to step back and not react to their childish ways. Always remember, the more you react to their antics, the more they will do them. Ignore them and eventually the antics will cease. Just like dealing w/a child.[quote/]

[courageous wife]

Thankyou for sharing this R2. I have seen some of snodderly's posts but haven't gone clear back to beginning! You are right...very insightful and it does hit home!!!

Glad you are hanging in there and working on the detaching!!!

[Round2]

CW,

Here is another, I really liked this one and since you and my stories are similiar, I wanted to share:

Snodderly 03/04/06

I see your w is h@ll bent on a divorce and from the get go as well. I'm sorry she's bound and determined to do this, but it's par for course for some of the mlcers to do this. Yes, divorce is unnecessary and very costly all for a piece of paper when she could just up and leave and do her own thing and come back when she's done. However, in her little mind, she thinks that she must severe the ties w/you, the relationship and family in order to have the freedom to do whatever she wants. "Freedom is another word for nothing left to do." I bet she can't even tell you want she's got her sights set on these days in the way of freedom to do things. I will say this, the grass in her rose colored shades will turn to weeds and dirt once the the papers are signed and she wakes up. It's called the search for illusive happiness and it is not found in outward things, but must be found within. In time she will discover this.

You see, wanting a divorce and pushing for one is her way to maintain control over the situation as well. They want to show everyone that they are in control, they know what they are doing at all times and no matter what, they are going to get what they want. In the end, when the crisis is over, it will not be what she thought divorce was. She's forgetting that once she's divorced, you are not liable for anything she does, you don't have to be there to pick her up when she's down. She will then have to figure things out for herself. The one important thing that she will be forced to finally do is to focus on herself and her ugly demon issues. Right now, she's not focusing on the healing part of her crisis. She's focusing on pushing and prodding to get the divorce done. Lancer, I understand how you feel. I was there once too, but I did learn and did come to understand very much so why they need to do this. In the end, if your divorce does occur, it's only a piece of paper and if you still love her enough when she wakes up, you can reconcile. I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but when they are on the train heading for a wreck, it's very hard to turn them around. Sometimes it's better to let them wreck and/or self-destruct and heal from the bottom up. I know that she's sucked you into her drama and hopefully you can detach a bit more and come to realize you need to severe yourself from her drama in order to breathe again.

Remember, this isn't about you at all, but about her and what she needs to do to heal from her childhood demons. In the end, what she's been looking for will actually be what she ran away from and destroyed in the process. Sometimes the relationship can be mended and in other instances it can't be. When that time comes, only you will be able to determine if you want to reconcile w/her. I'm hoping she'll come out the other side a more mature, wiser woman than she is exhibiting right now.