I am hanging in there. Working everyday on detaching. It's weird sometimes with him being gone for so long already (3 months) it's like he was never here.... Maybe thats the detachment settling in with me.
I don't miss him much. I miss being a family and what we once were when we were happy. I know we came to this time for a reason, it was finally time for BOTH of us to work on ourselves individually...guess I am just sad we couldnt do it 'together' (individually) instead of him divorcing me.
But I am learning so much. I read an archive from Snodderly last night that was amazing... Its in rummaging around thew archives under MLC Resources....
I will share what hit home for me: (most all she says does, just like HB, but this is REALLY good)
You my have read it, so disregard if you have, but it was very helpful to me, take good care CW ((( )))
[quote]Snodderly (18/11/02) (11/18/02)
I'm going to tell you what I know from experiencing not once but twice. My ex-h began his mlc probably in 1998. The replay is a very gradual stage. To me, it is the second worse stage of mlc. Anger being the first. My ex-h began to use the computer all of the time. He was in chatrooms talking to people about things that didn't make sense to me, but to him they did. He was into porno sites, he watched a lot of tv and slowly withdrew from me and the activities that he once loved. He shaved his head and started dressing like the kids of today. I thought he was trying to get attention. Little did I know that I was in the midst of a living hell. His taste in food, drinks, music and clothes began to change more and more. That summer, we were at every amusement park, carnival and concert that was available. He became moody and started searching on the net in classmates.com for people he went to school with 20+ years ago. He started driving around his old hometown just looking and doing whatever else he did to think about the past. He began looking at old photos and talking about the past w/his family. This was all new to me, since he never talked much about his past. This man was a loner and didn't have many friends. During mlc, the mlcers feel very alone and will isolate themselves from the people who really care. There were times he couldn't account for in his day. He slept a lot and his moods swung back and forth. He would act childish one minute and in the next wanted to be treated as an adult. There were times he wanted to be alone and others he didn't. He began to acquire aches, pains and illnesses. He acquired new friends that were either separated or divorced and were not of his type before. He wanted to take our life savings and put it on the stock market. Money began to disappear from the accounts and that's when I put a hold on the funds. His memory became really bad during this time. Before too long, he was on the net looking for houses to rent. He was talking of moving out every time something didn't suit him. Once he moved out, I discovered the OW. I truly believe had I not finally called his bluff on moving out, he would be at home today or 6 feet under. The OW was ugly to boot. Now, the old timers are constantly repeating to you over and over again, the OW is nothing but a catalyst to help him out the door. She is nothing but someone that he feels he can talk to and get admiration, encouragement and stroking of the ego and yes, SEX. Not what we call making love, but down right SEX. This woman means absolutely nothing to him. He is searching for someone to act as a mother during this part of his crisis. How can you love your mother in an intimate relationship? You can't. So, please keep in mind, she's nothing. Now, during the replay stage, your man is hurting terribly. The pain is awful. There are days when they simply can't get through the day. They will isolate themselves from you and anyone of the present time. They do love you, but it is buried very deep during this time, as the inner child has taken over and has taken them back in time. I have heard it from the PI that I had hired that my ex-spoke of nothing of the present or future. He talked of the past and all that he had done and the type of job he currently has. He did say he lived in my town one time, but that was it. He had gone back in time. I didn't exist until he had a moment of sanity. They tend to put the present and all that's in it in a box and store it away until they need a reality check in the real world. It's not that they don't care about you or how you feel about things, they are just incapable of doing anything for you right now. They are trying to find ways to ease their pain and they sure as hell can't talk to us the people who love them. Don't even think that they are out there having the time of their lives because they aren't. Sure they may go on trips, but the change of scenery lifts their spirits for just a little while and the inner child comes calling them back to their living hell. They may party or spend money, but the pain never goes away. They can't sleep at night because they are afraid of the demons and from dying. They are up all night on the internet or in bars just to keep their minds from driving them crazy. Their brains are racing 24/7 and there's no way to stop the thoughts that are flying around inside. They are pinballing off the walls at times. They have highs and then lows. Their world is not fun nor happy. Take a real good look at your man. Has he lost weight, is he pale and ashen, check out the dark circles, wrinkles, graying hair, dead eyes and above all no smile on his face. Does this spell happiness? No, it doesn't. It tells me that your man is going through an emotional trauma that none of you can ever imagine. They can't talk to us because they are afraid we will tell them to snap out of it and get on with their lives. They are afraid that we will judge them, criticize them or make fun of them. They can't bear to be around us because of their shame and guilt for something that happened to them so long ago. They feel dirty and confused and look at us as the authority figures in their lives. They want us close, but yet they want us to leave them alone to figure things out. Their apartments, etc. become their safe havens and you probably will not be told where they are living. It is the only safe place that they can go and cry and be by themselves to deal w/their crisis and the horrible emotional pain. Their memories become awful. They will tell you that they will come by, email you or phone you. They won't remember. Time for the mlcer is very slow and is not the same for us. You see, your mlcer has gone back in time and must search for what is missing from that growth period. I never understood any of this the first time around. Because I didn't understand what was happening, my ex-h divorced me. I was given the opportunity to go through another crisis w/someone else and you know what? He's doing the exact same things that my ex-h did. Troting right down memory lane. Each and every mlcer will do the exact same things, but in various degrees. Please understand that what your spouses are saying and doing is nothing personal against you. He is dealing w/his crisis in the best way possible. I will caution you, do not threaten, argue, plead, cry or show anger towards your mlcer. It will do no good except make him extremely angry. They are very good at lying, deceiving and manipulating at this time. The person you knew is now the mirror image of the man you were married to. They become totally opposite and you have to accept him as he is today. If you don't, you will have created a lot of heartache for yourselves. The best advice that I can give to each of you is this, be compassionate
The advice I was given three years ago was to leave them alone, allow them to come to you when they need your support. The less you aggravate them, the quicker they will heal.
I know that you are having a very hard time dealing with your man's crisis, but if you continue to allow the OW to enter into your thoughts all of the time, you are giving her control over your situation. She is absolutely nothing to you or your h. He's using her as a bandaid for his pain. Affairs will last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. If you must deal w/your mlcer, always speak to him in a very calm voice and never bring up the OW.
Sooner or later, the OW will slip up and begin to set demands and that's where you will enter the picture w/a safe haven for him. Always, always keep your expectations at zero when dealing w/your spouses.
it's important to step back and not react to their childish ways. Always remember, the more you react to their antics, the more they will do them. Ignore them and eventually the antics will cease. Just like dealing w/a child.[quote/]
