...It makes my heart warm to hear that some old wounds that have been festering may have a chance to heal up now. I think so many people who have been married for a long time and who have deep old-standing resentments rarely get the chance to find the insight necessary to see how these resentments are not serving them any longer. It seems that sometimes resentment feels comfortable, and the person feeling it may not even realize why it feels comfortable or question it.
...I see your wife as having a huge chance to change all of that now....baby steps to be sure, but wow, what great progress!
My hope is to continue to monitor and post. Also I want to track the lives of some folks I have gotten to know and care about, as well as offer advice at times.
I feel like my wife and I are working our way out of the deep forrest of marital problems and seeing the density of the trees thin out as we approach the edge of the forrest. I have great hope now that we will make it. We have been married so long, that for the past few years my wife has not worn her engagement ring as it was nearly worn through and she was afraid of it breaking on the side opposite from the diamond. That bothered me for the past couple of years. I recently suggested buying a new ring for her to wear as a symbol of our commitment to each other. She likes the idea.
As to old wounds, I think that 180's, GAL, and setting firm boundaries are the key to changing a bad relationship. We had probably 20 years of a deteriorating relationship, until I couldn't take it any more. I feel that my decision that no matter how badly I wanted sex with my wife, that I was not going to have sex with her, because of the pain I later felt, was a key. I also feel that GAL and making changes that my wife could not ignore was also important. Finally, letting her know that I was committed to becoming happy with her or without her, but that wanted to be with her was very important. It was five full months without sex, maybe 5 months of my working on GAL & making my wife feel loved in a way she could undertand it along with about two plus months of improvements in communications intimacy, touching and sex. In saying that, none of the progress would not have happened without my wife's deep love for me, her willingness to forgive me, the really great sex therapists who helped us, the authors of the books the we discussed (including MWD's book the SSM) and the support and advice I got on this forum.
While my wife is still angry at the pushing done by our joint sex therapist, I am still amazed by that woman and how she was able to cut through my wife's attempts to avoid issues and focus my wife on hard choices that needed to be made by my wife. My wife's individual sex therapist and naturpathic doctor was also amazing in helping work with my wife to get her to realize her anger, to get her to realize how my wife was doing to me what I had done to my wife, and to point out that my wife had to choose whether she wanted to end up being divorced or not. The Gottman Institute Art and Science of Love weekend was exhausting emotionally and physically, but also gave us so many relationship skills and insights into each other. I guess I am reminded of some foreign language "immersion" courses where people are overwhelmed by a learning experience. That is what this has felt like at times for me and even more so for my wife.
I want to especially thank those who repeatedly told me to slow down and that this would take time, as well as those who offered moral support. I know my wife was pushed to the limit many many times.
I am not going to say that my SSM is cured, but I think it is headed in the right direction. We will see if I can keep my wife feeling loved and she keeps working on making me feel loved. I really didn't think that we would be living in the same house on our 39th wedding anniversay. I now think that we have a good chance of making it to our 50th and maybe beyond if we remain healthy. And while my wife still have some body-self-image issues and sexual inhibitions to work on, they are things that are not "deal killers" in my book, but changes for us to really flourish in our love-life.
Her steps have been slow and then faster and faster as she saw improvements in our relationship. I really feel like she is enjoying how much pleasure she gives me. For many years she said she felt like a sexual failure; that this was the only area of her life where she was a failure. I now think that feeling like she can really sexually satisfy a man has been something that has inspired her to push herself further than the baby steps she was willing to try only in order to save her marriage.
All in all, I feel loved, desired and valued by my wife. I am also proud of the lifestyle changes I have made and my helping to save my marriage. I certainly didn't feel loved when I read in despiration SSM to figue out what the hell was going on and then noted in the back of the bood a reference to this website. It took a lot of courage to register and make my first post, but I am glad that I did. I think that MWD should put the website in big print in several places within the SSM book (foreward, first chapter, last chapter, inside jacket, and index).
Good luck to you in your new marriage.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
