Piecing Without Transparency

[addie]

Thanks for your support Dday and Kalni. I know both of you are going through a lot too.

This is the first day in about 2 weeks that I've come straight home after work. My dad is more stable but his condition is still serious. He had a feeding tube installed. The doctors basically recommended doing nothing and let nature take its course eventhough my dad still had some cognitive abilities - he recognizes everyone, understands what we say and can still communicate verbally to some extent. He's much more alert since the feeding tube, now that he can get his meds and nutrition. We don't know how long he'll live with the feeding tube but any additional time we get with him we will treasure.

H's support has been lukewarm throughout all this. He is still very much in selfish mode, very focused on his own needs. I've been questioning why I allowed him to come back.

[Kalni]

I dont want to "excuse" your H but men in general do find it difficult to handle situations like the one you are unfortunately facing.
Stay strong addie. We are on the same boat dear.
Love
K

[Andabelle]

Just caught up on your sitch. Sorry your dad is so ill, and that your H is not being very supportive.

How is his relationship with your dad? I hope your dad's illness doesn't send him into a tailspin (seems to happen a lot with MLCers).

What do you think he would do if you asked for his support/help? Sometimes guys need to feel needed. Maybe it would improve his self-esteem? Or would it just piss him off?

Hang in there.

[addie]

Andabelle - great to hear from you again!

My dad is not doing well but continues to hang in there. He is so very weak. He was always a very strong person. It's so hard to see him go through this. We keep praying that he'll regain some of his strength back.

H and my dad were never that close. H doesn't get close to many people. Right now H is so busy that he is focusing mainly on himself. There's really not much he can do but it would be nice if he showed more empathy. For the last month our R has not been the priority for either one of us.

[addie]

Hello everyone,

The last several weeks have been very difficult for me. My dad passed away last week. He had been suffering for so long. I now take comfort in knowing he is in a better place.

I feel very empty for so many reasons. Throughout my dad's most recent illness H offered me very little support when I needed him the most. There was almost no compassion from him. During all of this H continued to make this about him. He became resentful when his needs weren't being met and when I wasn't actively supporting him. He talked about how unhappy he is and how we are "oil & water". I am now questioning why I am in this R and whether I have the energy to keep trying. Right now the energy is gone.

[rockedworld]

(((addie)))
So sorry for your loss.
I can completely understand you questioning your R given what you have experienced and what you did not get from your H. However... making any huge life decisions, like ending a R, are probably not a good idea so soon after a loss. Give it some time... take care of yourself right now. Look at the R again when you are a little farther in your grieving process.

[Kalni]

((((addie))))
I am sorry my friend for your loss. I wish I could say something that would take the pain away.

It is understandable to feel the way you do about your H since he reacted so poorly. He had a chance to step up and support you when you needed him the most. Dont know what to say.

Dont make any decisions now. You have time for that later.
Hugs and kisses,
Maria

[pearlharbr]

(((addie)))

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's a very difficult time for you and your family. I want to echo the advice from the others. Please don't make any major decisions right now.

I have a girlfriend who also recently lost her father. Her H was also not nearly as supportive as he could have / should have been. While they were not having any big difficulties in their M like those of us here she was so appalled by his behavior that she was contemplating leaving him. Her IC advised her not to make a major decision like that while dealing with the grief over the loss of her dad. Best to deal with one major life change at a time.

[addie]

Thank you all so much for your words of support.

I was very close to my dad as was also my sister. Fortunately, we have each other to lean on as well as our mom, and a lot of extended family who loved my dad.

At the moment, I'm not making any decisions to end the M but I don't have the will to keep working on it. H brought up seeing a lawyer together to do things "amicably". But I told him he would have to be the one to do that because I was never the one that wanted out of the M. Afterall, he is the one who is "miserable" in this M. If he wants a D, he will have to take the necessary steps to file.

[addie]

S13 is also sick - very bad sore throat, fever, sinus congestion. I took him to the clinic this morning and the doctor prescribed antibiotics, a nasal spray. What a great spring break we've both had.