The latest with me

[ImprovedRomeo]

FM, you're absolutely right. I did send a short email to the wife explaining her the situation and then saying 'let me know how you want to do this...'. She said that she totally agreed and suggested doing the 2 day on/off schedule like I was expecting. She suggested keeping her tonight and tomorrow then dropping her off on Sat and Sun. I told her I'd already given my word to DD that I'd pick her up today. Then 5 mins later I get a text from her saying she was already at DD's school and if I wanted her to leave or pick her up. I told her since she was there already and if DD was OK she should just pick her up. She then texted me back saying 'so are you ok with Sat/Sun'. I texted her back 'I have something going on on Sat but I'll let you know soon'. I don't really so after waiting 2 hrs I just replied "I'm fine with Sat/Sun".

Just got home, cleaned the litter box (two cats), put the trash cans inside, fixed the moutain bike gears and now trying to figure out what movie to watch while I'm having dinner. I was also thinking of other activities or hobbies:

1. Used to race cars, I still have one in pieces, I could start rebuilding that.

2. Started riding motorcycles a few years ago but gave that up "too dangerous" but still have the bike and thinking of dusting it off. In fact, would love to just take off for days, weeks, months - discover new places, blue highways...anyone read The Zend and Art of Motorcycle maintenance?

3. Always wanted to learn self defense, never did...maybe I'll try that - what 35yo doesn't feel great after getting his ass kicked by a couple of 12yo black belts?

4. Could learn to play guitars...it has many uses other than killing time: grow long hair, look grungy and women will be all over you is one of them. Could become a part time job outside Walmart too.

5. Mountain biking is another one...

I'd love to hear how you guys are keeping busy?

[mindfull]

Romeo - Hi again... I, actually, can offer some constructive advice on visitation w/D6. My D18's dad and I D'd when she was barely a toddler. I dealt w/it almost her entire life. I have to do the soccer mom thing for a bit, but will post more late.

GAL -

Mountain biking is amazing! It's been a few years... loved it!

Some of us are doing...http://www.djsteveboy.com/1day25k.html

If you're a sporty guy, how about getting licensed to ref some Jr High/High School games (of your sport of choice)? Fun!

Sorry, I only think of sports things, as my boys both have played club soccer since they were six and seven years old, PLUS one kicks for the school football team, played Jr High basketball, and runs track... the other one plays football and basketball, too! Oh, and D18, she was on poms, of course! So, that's where my thinking is geared!!!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks mindfull. Those are all great suggestions and some nice beats at djSteve's.

I'm not really into sports but I love camping, hiking, nature etc or something to do with cars/bikes etc. I'm sort of a cross between McGuyver and SurvivorMan when it comes to my interests lol

So I'd love to know how you got through your first D and how you're doing these days as well as the outlook on your R.

BTW, it's been a while for me so can anyone tell me what GAL and PMA stood for?

[flowmom]

SurvivorMan

My S6's favourite TV show . H "plays Survivorman" with my kids...they go out on hikes together and make fires and stuff.

GAL- get a life
PMA - positive mental attitude
there's a sticky with all the alphabet soup in newcomers

What about joining a hiking club? There are several in my area. At this time of year they are doing snowshoeing and the days are too long for me to not be available to my kids for that long, but if you're in a position to do that it seems like a great way to meet people and do something you already love.

Guy with guitar = yes!

Can't say that I can relate to vehicle or sport-related hobbies, but whatever turns your crank!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Last night was a bit tough for me - too quiet and lonely. I can't say I missed my STBXW, I just missed the sounds and life of my family. I called DD at 8:40pm (usually she's getting ready for bed at that time) and she was still playing with the other little girl there and my STBXW was chatting with her mom in the background. I think that made me feel even lonlier because she seems to have surrounded herself with others which makes it a lot easier. I am glad for my daughter that she has a playmate now.

I've been thinking in the back of my mind about my conversations with my STBXW. I've been very short and to the point and could easily be read as if I'm mad. I know there's a fine line between the two so maybe I need to say thanks and please more or a few LOLs in there or something.

FM, I did see a few local hiking clubs at meetup.com but to be honest I need a friend who forces me out the door to do stuff. When I get home I'm fine but after a couple of hours I'm bored out of mind and the quietness of the house starts to weigh me down.

I'll have DD this weekend so that gives me something nice to look forward to.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Oh, also, my D6 loves camping. I bought a travel trailer and a new truck last year and we did several trips. In fact, there's one scheduled for next weekend (it was anyway). D6 loves playing in the dirt, looking for bugs and helping me build the fire etc. I'll definitely miss that stuff...

[flowmom]

FM, I did see a few local hiking clubs at meetup.com but to be honest I need a friend who forces me out the door to do stuff. When I get home I'm fine but after a couple of hours I'm bored out of mind and the quietness of the house starts to weigh me down.

We have to be a friend to ourselves and force ourselves out of our comfort zone. If don't make new hiking friends, I won't have anyone to share that with. So part of my self care is making that happen. I'm finding the nights that the children are away to be very difficult. I'm trying to plan things in advance. I'm in faking it until I make it mode. Sometimes I can't even pull off faking it. I know how hard it is...

[ImprovedRomeo]

You're right FM.

Today was a lot better, I resolved to not come home and sit in front of the computer. In fact, on my drive home (did I mention I have a 60 mile commute one way) I decided I was going to get on the bike and go down the bike path near the house. I was tired and hungry but that's exactly what I did. I came home, changed, got on the bike and off I went. Even saw a few nice girls running, one even smiled as I rode past her. The bike path was fun on the way out, there was a section with Jasmine bushes and it smelled awesome. I rode maybe 2.5 miles or so and then turned around. The ride back was much harder and my legs were tired. I made it home, started cleaning up the house since DD will be here tomorrow. Did the dishes, mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned the counter tops, then vaccumed the living room etc I was beat! Made a quick dinner: bagel and salmon sandwich - pretty good actually + apple. Then watched a movie called '10 items of less' - the movie wasn't that great but whoever that girl is in that movie she's HOT!!

And that brings us to this hour, just checked up on a few of my DB friends and soon it's time for bed.

[OldFool]

I'm so sorry to see you back here, but not surprised (see my last post to understand why).

While one always hates to say it, I think you have come to the correct conclusion that it is time to move on and walk away (it seems pretty clear she's already gone anyway). DB'ing is about creating an atmosphere where reconciliation can take place, but it is not a cure and there more stories of failure here than success because, in spite of what Ms. Weiner-Davis says, it is NOT possible for one person to save a marriage.

More accurately, one person can stop doing the things that may have driven the relationship to collapse, one person can avoid doing things that will serve to kill any reconciliation where that's possible, and one person can create an environment where love can flourish. But these are all groundwork. To be fruitful, the other person has to be willing to forgive, be engaged, take responsibility, be objective, and/or take on the hard work of finding common ground. Assuming your descriptions are accurate, your WAS has exhibited absolutely none of these required characteristics.

It is that fact, and pretty much that fact alone, that means any attempt on your part to save the marriage will likely be a Sisyphusian task (something you are already well on your way to proving beyond doubt).

I agree completely with the various posters recommending more structure for D6. With everything else falling apart, she needs that structure now more than ever at a time when separated parents are so guilt-ridden that they are almost incapable of establishing it. You are NOT doing her (or yourself or anyone else) any favors if she becomes the driver.

From someone who's been there, let me give you the most important advice you will hear. Get the best divorce attorney you can afford...now...and make sure he/she is a pit bull. Then put him/her on a leash. You don't want to turn the dogs loose yet, but you want them ready in the pen. Our legal system is an adversarial one (any lawyer will tell you that) and if you are not prepared to defend yourself with no holds barred, you're a sitting duck (because the other side will). Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about it. But it's how the game is played and there's nothing you can do about it.

Ask what you should do to protect yourself and put yourself in the best position for a divorce. I did not do this and wound up regretting it. But let me reiterate, at this point, this is for you and you alone. Get advice so you don't make stupid mistakes, but don't take any action with respect to the relationship. Don't say anything about the attorney, don't use the D word, don't let on that you are doing anything other than just carving out a life for yourself apart from her...just like she wants.

Perhaps I'll be proved wrong (that would be nice) and you'll all get through this and you can just dump the lawyer and forget the whole thing. But if not, you'll be ready when she claims custody, alimony, and child support. If she's unemployed, she's looking for a way to fund her new lifestyle, your D6 is looking like a fat check, and you're in the cross-hairs.

Like many folks, I thought we could be "civilized" about the D...everyone go their separate way and take what was theirs with them, but that went out the door when opposing counsel went for the jugular and left me with nothing while all the time I was telling my attorney "don't hurt her".

That doesn't mean your WAW will be as bad as my X, just that you should be prepared in the event she is. As they say, hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

In the meantime, you can be proud of the fact that you stuck it out for a couple years (many don't make that) and gave her every opportunity to pursue counseling and other avenues to repair your relationship. Her failure to take advantage of them is exactly that, her failure...not yours. Be strong for your D6.

Peace, serenity, and clarity to you.

[ImprovedRomeo]

OF, I can't tell you how glad I am to see your post. Not sure how you even found this thread again but I'm glad you did.

I'm really sorry to hear about you and your ex and the unfortunate events during the divorce. How long has it been? How're you doing now? How's life looking for you?

You're absolute right and you were right before. We swept our problems under the rug instead of resolving them. I say we because I made mistakes too. I could've been more compasionate to her, I could've been nicer and more appreciative of her. We both started taking eachother for granted and with our communication always being the biggest issue we never could give eachother early warning signs. I still don't get how people could desert their families and walk away like it's nothing...

However, now it's already done, I'm sorry about it but I can't change the past. I'm broken inside because of my DD but I will do everything in my power to give her love and affection that she deserves.

As for the lawyer, I understand what you're saying. It's to protect myself and not to hurt her. However, I'm truly at a loss for how to find a good lawyer. The one I had last time I never felt he was that good or would fight for me. Two, with the divorce court system the way it is can a lawyer really make that much of a difference?

Again, OF, it was really nice to hear from you and I hope Kiki's having a much better luck than us rebuilding her family.