how do i keep my hope alive?

[pearlharbr]

TTA, good job handling yourself in that convo with H! You didn't rescue and that's huge.

I know moms can guilt us so easily but you should DB her. Listen and validate, "I understand how you could feel that way." Remember that it's her issue and you can't control or fix it.

Establish some boundaries and maintain them. "Mom, I understand that you're feeling sad right now. As you know, things are difficult for me right now. I need to focus on myself and my marriage and cannot even think about children at this time. I like spending time with you and talking with you but I will no longer talk about children. If you continue to bring it up I will excuse myself."

As a happily childfree person, I declared early on that I was not going to have children and at the time my mom was fine with it because her standard line was "You know I'm too young to be a grandmother." As the years went by she told me that I would change my mind when I met the right person. I set her straight and let her know that it was not going to happen and I would simply not talk to her anymore if she continued to bring it up. I'm not sure if she believes me now but it hasn't been discussed since then, many years ago.

[chatterbug]

Welcome back. Tell us about the trip. And good job on not saving. Some times we have to love from afar.

[trytryagain]

thanks, pearl. i try to DB with my mom, but she makes it so hard. i feel like an UTTER FAILURE that i am ruining her happy life because i don't have any children and she's going to be dead by the time i do. i mean, i'm not even 30!! just because she was married for ten years by the time she was my age doesn't mean that i have to follow in her footsteps. my mom just doesn't seem to understand a world in which there is something a woman wants out of life OTHER than having lots and lots of babies.

got an email from my H this afternoon, he is in a low, low place. i wish i could help him out of it but i know i can't do anything but listen. he did say he had another IC session today and wasn't up to going back to work afterwards. i hope he doesn't let himself lose his job over this...cause i still depend on his income, too. awful as that sounds. this is the first time i've ever seen a personal problem affect his work and professional life so much...

[trytryagain]

my trip was incredible. i wrote a bit more about it, i think it's on page 37 of my thread. i met some really great people and did a lot of really hard work. but it felt so good to be home again, i came home feeling (exhausted!!) and totally refreshed.

it's so hard to break myself from the saving cycle...every time he cries out, i want to hold him and quiet his tears. in reality, he brought all of this on himself with his actions, but i'm still overcome with the desire to be there for him, even though i know there's nothing i can do...

[trytryagain]

i'm sitting down in the lobby of my building, hitting up the free wi-fi and just sort of people watching. a young couple i know in the building just walked in with their dog...they are getting married in a few months and it suddenly struck me that that's not my life anymore. i'm not in love and engaged or an over the moon newlywed...i can wish and hope, but it's not going to change that my whole life is changed because of a decision my H made. i am very much in love with a man who didn't want to live with me anymore, so he moved out. i buy groceries for 1 again, and it's up to me to walk the dog before work every morning. i don't have a husband at home anymore to share my day with, to laugh about something funny that happened at work, or to call and vent to when my mother makes me nuts. what happened to that man? where is my husband?

i cried myself to sleep last night, which i haven't done in a while. it actually felt good to cry, because i feel like i've been so busy GAL-ing lately that i haven't allowed myself any time or space to deal with my feelings. i'm hurting. i miss my H. i miss my married life. i keep on, i get through the day and i can smile and laugh and be happy without him. but i still have to answer questions from friends and family about where he is, or how he is...and i just hate having to say...i don't know.

[talia]

TTA,
You are doing great!!! I'm really really proud of you!! Keep it up - you are handling this right. I know its hard and I know your emotions are a daily struggle. If you keep honoring them the way you are and working with the DB stuff, you are going to be just fine!


Now tell us more about your trip!!!


T

[Onthemountaintop]

where is my husband?

Is it possible your old husband is partly gone for good - if what he told you is correct, he's dealing with some real bad stuff that screwed him up when he was a kid.

In Retrou, they reminded us that much of how we act today in a relationship is based on how we were raised up. MWD says that, too.

Maybe "good riddance" to the old H. Give the man some, but not endless, time to become a new and better H for you. The one thing he has been sure of it seems is that he loves you. If he loves you as much as it seems, he will return unless he feels you do not love him.

Does he have to do that alone? Why not ask him if it doesn't make sense. Not begging, just ask him why he feels now (not a month ago) that the independence is needed. I found sharing how I felt with my W helped me solve problems, not just get things off my chest. Hearing her helped even more.

Only do what you think will help...

[trytryagain]

OTM, i think i get what you are saying. my H seems to struggle with the person he's become and says that he doesn't like who he is now and that he wants to change. i do say good riddance to the old H, but how long do you give someone to find their way before you call it quits? i know he loves me...and i love him. but to hear him say he's not worth it - even if it's just him baiting me, it kills me to hear that. he knows how i feel. he knows i'm around, but he also knows i'm not going to wait forever.

i do understand that he needs to work on himself before he could devote anything to our M, otherwise any counseling efforts would be disingenuious. i know that the last 30 years of his life have formed him into who he is now...a person he does not want to be. but will it take 30 years for him to turn that around?? our family backgrounds are very different, and our experiences growing up are very different. is that an excuse for his repetitive fleeing behavior? i don't know...i don't think so. i can see how it would influence your behavior in a relationship, if it's been your norm growing up, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what works and what doesn't work in a relationship.

[trytryagain]

my trip was amazing...i spent an entire week on my hands and knees in the lower 9th ward in new orleans, cutting, laying and grouting tile floors. i met some really amazing people that go to my church here in DC, and really let me be me around them, instead of holding back like i usually do. i really felt like myself, and i felt very comfortable around these total strangers. my legs and arms are bruised and battered, but every day i got up at 6 am thinking, i'm doing something today that is going to make a difference to someone. i'm going to lay the floor in a house that a family can come back to after 5 years of being away, and they will walk on that floor every single day, and probably never even think of me, but all the same...i will be there, i will be a part of their home and their family. and that was an amazing feeling.

the spirit of the people of new orleans is undeniable. there are houses that stand empty near where the levees broke, but they still stand, defiant to the floodwaters, and FEMA, and everything else that should have brought them down. if those houses can stand, if those families can keep it together in the face of what they have been through, i can surely make it through this in one piece, and come out for the better on the other side.

[robx]

"....the spirit of the people of new orleans is undeniable. there are houses that stand empty near where the levees broke, but they still stand, defiant to the floodwaters, and FEMA, and everything else that should have brought them down. if those houses can stand, if those families can keep it together in the face of what they have been through, i can surely make it through this in one piece, and come out for the better on the other side."

Words to live by, awesome attitude!