8 weeks until D Day!!

[lea74]

Thanks Flo, just saw your reply. I will order it today, I think I need to work on the inside as well as the outside at the moment.

I am no in IC at the moment, which is not great. When I was going I was doing really well. I have had to change counsellors and am waiting for a spot to open up. Havent beenf or about 4 months now.

I have also had some abandoment issues in my life:

14yo - dad committed suicide, and I found him (he was bioplar)

14yo - lost all contact with Dad's family
14yo - met my H
14yo - Mom started having BF 3 months after my Dad died

[lea74]

I am going to be sending my H the maintenance email today and am expecting huge backlash. He will not be happy.

However, I feel really guility sending it as earlier today I asked if he wanted copies of some invoices and he replied: No I trust you. Ahh!! This makes me feel awful. I know that this is totally unjustified and I should be worrying about what he feels.

I am sure that the moment will pass.

[lea74]

Saw my sons child support worker today. Quite unnervingly she looks just like the OW. Ahhh!! Anyway she gave me some really good advise and now would like to chat to my H, which he has agreed to. I know that this sounds silly, but the fact that she looks like OW concerns me and now she will be seeing my H. Am I being neurotic? Why do I care?

What this does raise however, is trust and that I could never trust him to be around another woman.

[lea74]

So moment has passed. Just got an email from H that went along the lines of: we have an equal share of raising the boys moving forward.

What crap!! He has his share every second weekend and I do everything else. He doesnt do homework, school runs, sic days, holiday cover, school lunches etc etc etc.

In fact interestingly the last time I chatted to his mom she said, Now you are responsible for raising these boys and making them who they are.

[robx]

So moment has passed. Just got an email from H that went along the lines of: we have an equal share of raising the boys moving forward.

What crap!! He has his share every second weekend and I do everything else. He doesnt do homework, school runs, sic days, holiday cover, school lunches etc etc etc.

In fact interestingly the last time I chatted to his mom she said, Now you are responsible for raising these boys and making them who they are.

Is he saying he wants an equal share or raising the kids?
As in shared jointed custody?
Mention all those things that you've mentioned above to us, is he willing to share in all those things - if he is, let him, reality is a little different than the perceived reality we have in our heads.

[flowmom]

Lea, I think that my H wants joint custody too, so that he has of time with the kids and so that he doesn't have to pay child support. I find it unfortunate that custody and child support are so tied together, because it provides an incentive for parents to take more of a parenting role than they can necessarily handle (in my H's case he is already overworking, trying to reinvent himself, and likely involved in OW).

I guess your L needs to inquire about exactly what your H means...

[lea74]

Hi, sorry I need to clarify something. In the UK we dont have custody agreements. Childcare arrangements are arranged between the parents and only if neccessary will go to court and an order issued e.g. if there is abuse etc. Regarding maintenance they are not tied to how much time my H spends with the kids, it is based on what we require to live, his earnings and what is required by law. Every case is individual. Fortunately for me my H has been a high earner for a long time, and has always supported us. I have also been with him for 21 years so this is taken into account.

His perception is that he shares the parenting, as in their manners, emotional wellbeing etc, not the day to day living stuff like I mentioned, e.g. school runs, activities etc. Case in point my S10 just went on a school residential he never asked if my S10 needed anything. Actually I had to buy toiletries, new wellies etc. Rob, you are right he thinks because he sees them every second weekend and calls them every nite makes him a good parent. He forgot the parents evening at school that happened a couple of weeks ago - so much for being a good parent.

When I spoke to the boys counsellor earlier today she suggested that perhaps why my H has had OW around my sons since the first time he had them on his own was because he didnt feel secure in doing it alone and therefore perhaps she is more of a support then anything. He has had them alone before whilst we were together but not very often. I thought this was an interesting observation and one I had thought about. He is feeling insecure in looking after them all on his own.

Sorry, Flo it sounds like it is really hard for you. ((())))

[flowmom]

Lea, that sounds like a much better system IMO!

It sounds like you are what I call the "executive parent"...like I am. If we worked in a corporation, we'd earn 50%-double the amount of what our husbands would because we are not only doing the parenting work but 95% of the managerial/executive tasks related to parenting. Unfortunately, not only is the "executive parent"'s role rarely acknowledged, but often the other parent isn't really even familiar with the job description! And yet another thing that isn't really taken into account in standard custody/child support calculations in my jurisdiction I believe.

[lea74]

So true!! I do work as well, part time 4 days a week, but still contribute to the finaces of the house. During exam time I am an examiner as well. At one point last year in addition to my day job I was also working for 4 awarding bodies!!! It was tough going - but it needed to be done to support the house.

The role of the home exec is never acknowledged, sorry that that is the case in your area.

[lea74]

Just need to vent:

So sent of email to H and got the response I thought I would. He is not going to provide proof of income, says that I need to show how I come up with the costs, which I can provide. The ridiculous thing is that he has been paying the costs so knows how much they are. He said that I can go ahead and start legal proceedings - which I will. The costs will be claimed back against him, which is such an unneccessary cost. It is a requirement by law that he does.

He said in his email that he has lived a live of being financially abused and therefore will not be bullied into my demands!!!! Gosh, most men dont have a problem with supporting their families and anyway I have always worked. In fact I worked up until 38 weeks with my youngest son.

This is all starting to get ugly and very tireing.