Mom, I guess there is something else here for the LBS--and maybe it's that it seems to us a person can't really be sorry while they continue the hurtful behavior. I realize that my marriage needed attention, and that I shared in the growing distance between us, but I tried very hard to get back on track after I learned of the affair and actually forgave the affair having happened...what I couldn't forgive, and still have a hard time forgiving, is how he treated me so badly while trying to get back on track. I don't know what your marriage was like before the A, but I'm guessing it wasn't all that bad--it was probably like most marriages with small children, which means a lot of work and focus on things other than the marriage. After the disclosure, I did everything in my power to save our marriage and our family and he seemed to participate only halfheartedly, at best--he really wanted me to do all the work to either save the marriage or seek a divorce and he was mean and terribly selfish during that time. So, what happened AFTER the affair was actually much, much more hurtful than the affair. It told me that nothing was more important to him than him...not me, which frankly I was used to...but not the kids either or our extended families and friends, etc. In the end, he made a choice to put his comfort above everything honorable, and he has continued to make that choice. So, I guess I'm saying that his "sorry's" feel genuine but at the same time hollow and empty to me. I think that a full "sorry" by you could be difficult for your XH to accept while you are with the OM. To the LBS, being really sorry means changing behavior and making different choices. I guess I'm saying that a full sorry means you wouldn't be with OM...even if your husband has moved on. That a 100% "sorry" wouldn't be contingent on your staying either with the OM or with getting XH back, but on your standing on your own two feet and making a different decisions. Maybe that sounds harsh, but you do feel guilty for a reason. I hope that you and your XH will eventually come to a good understanding and to mutual forgiveness, but I guess I'm trying to give you some thoughts about things that might go through his mind. Even if he wishes you all the best (and he probably does!) and still has a great deal of capacity to forgive at some point, it's hard to feel like a sorry is real if the person has not really repented the behavior. Hope I don't sound like a zealot, but that's one perspective of a LBS.
