Oh, God....not the old "my thread" bit again.....just because you don't like the "current." Usually, it's an oldtimer who pulls that crap, or should I say, tries to "pull rank."
WOW! Look what I found!!! Not liking this method. Crazy- I would not being assisting a spouse to move out so they could date and then remaining their friend. This is nuts! I think I will call this the "Doormat method" Wow!
June, remember whose site this is. Comments like that get you banned- I've seen it happen. Be careful. BTW, that is not a threat.;it really is me trying to give you a helpful warning. I know the site is not being particularly well monitored at the moment, but sometimes these things get picked up on and the moderators go through and do a whole lot of bannings. It IS MWD's site and we should not forget we are her guests here. If this is a stance she actually endorsed you are walking a thing line by actually 'dissing' it.
I know we don't all agree with everything MWD advocates but a bit of tact and diplomacy when it is directed straight at her might be in order.
I am not commenting on the actual content of what you quoted as I actually know it wasn't the path I could have walked BUT it worked for that guy and shows that there is more than one way to 'skin a cat'.
Quote:
While Your Spouse Decides By Michele Weiner-Davis
Perhaps you are someone whose spouse is in the midst of an affair and it is making you crazy. You feel like giving up on your marriage. Worse yet, you feel like being hurtful. Don't do anything you will regret in the long run. You came to this website because you want to save your marriage. Remember that. You need to stay focused on your goal, even if it's hard. On rough days, refer to what David, a Divorce Busting® family member, taught us about how he won back his wife. He now lives ecstatically ever after.
Michele-
I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend....ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.
I still wonder about this...but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn’t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.
Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.
Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I don't disagree with a lot of the principles you discuss regarding exposure and dealing with an A at all. I do however take huge issue with your style and attitude. Coming from one person to another whose health was badly affected by a S's A I don't see the need for such an abrasive way of putting things to others.
At times in my sitch, my H had me thinking black was white and that I was going mad. He exercised mental cruelty on me and had me believing that our friends didn't like me and only saw us socially as a couple for 'his' sake as they felt sorry for him.He told me that our friends had told him they thought I was nasty and horrid - after the A he told me he had lied about that. Now what am I meant to believe? These are people we had gotten to know over the years through ME, but I was so confused by everything I believed him - friends we had known up to 20yrs. Even now- fully reconciled - I can't feel sure of myself with these people and I socialise little and under sufferance. I tried to take my own life as I said earlier. Yet I feel that the advice on here needs to be tempered a bit by you. Hurt and made ill you may have been, but you don't have to post in the manner you do. In fact I think part of your message is lost in your style as it turns some off reading your posts.
Exposure, although good at ending the A, can cause catastrophic fallout and I feel you don't give that part of it enough weight when you post advising people. You know, there has been at least one instance on here of someone following advice blindly, and then the outcome was so awful they tried to take there own life. That I believe caused one of the mass bannings on a previous occasion of some of the stronger posters. Those that were allowed to remain were asked to temper their posts and put them in a little more context and show that they were applying their own personal views etc.
Now to what exposure to all can do. Personally I have seen couples who expose the A to friends, family etc be outcast. People don't know what to say to them and they don't want to be seen to take sides. In my instance we were both upfront with our friends and said that we didn't want anyone to feel they were to take sides - they were both our friends and whatever the outcome in our M was, they would still be all our friends.
Exposure to family was another success. Both our families supported both of us. Probabaly because we both accepted that there were reasons on both sides why the A had happened. Having an A is wrong, but neither of us was without blame in causing the M to get to such a place where my H felt the need to have an A. My H now can't believe he had an A and can see that it solved nothing - in fact it made things much harder. Trust can still be an issue even now.
Do you think there is a chance you can temper your posts a bit Allen?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I enjoy a good debate as well as the next person, but I have to say some of these comments have been pretty disrespectful.
There is no right or wrong approach when it comes to an A. Sometimes the passive thing works, sometimes the more aggressive side works. It's up to the individual. We don't have a right to condemn someone for their decision. It's their decision that they have to live with not us.
Check out the sites that deal strictly with infidelity and not just on here. You'll see both sides of the coin. There is no one-size-fits all solution.
Even the times on here where a person appears to be a "doormat", sometimes that method worked in the end.
This site is called "Divorce Busting." That's the ultimate goal. How you get there is up to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I completely, 100% agree with MrB -- ad nauseum. I prefer the DB approach. That's why I joined these forums in the first place. It fit me rather well. The aggressive, controlling, grab them by the you-know-what and don't let go approach would have completely alienated my H from me.
