She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

do I go ahead and let the friend tell me what she knows. It me something i already know, but it could also be new information I really can't handle right now. i am confused as ever, and really could have gone without the message, as i was already not holding up very good.

[robx]

yes but be prepared for the worst,
remember what we've discussed already.
And just because you have information, doesn't mean that when you get home, this info is a loaded gun and you start shooting your mouth off about everything. Intelligence is everything, gather your facts, find out whatever needs to be found out and if you hear back before going back home, post your findings here and we'll help you through this.

In the end, anticipation and fear of whatever thoughts you have in your head are worse than whatever you will actually find out, trust me, been there, done that, you will survive.

[tbart01]

I spoke to the friend and it wasn't as bad as I thought, but it's still not good.

I was told that she wanted me to deploy so she could work on getting prepared for this divorce. She told the friend that she was hoping it was for a year, because she knows the law in our state requires you to not be living under the same roof for 1 year before a divorce can be final.

She used to tell the friend that she was going to put the house up for sale and get herself a little house to rent, and that they would have to go shopping to decorate it.

She already knows how much she's going to get for child support, and that she gets half my retirement. Even though my D14 wan't to live with me she won't let her.

She was talking about getting a restraining order against me when I return because she doesn't know how I'm going to react. She wanted someone to come with her when she picks me up from the airport. She's kept all the emails I've sent her since I've been here to use with her lawyer if i give her any problems when I get home.

Basically what I got from the friend is that my W has been planning this since before Ii deployed, which I've known. However, allot of this has changed because she never followed through with some of her plans.

Allot of this does have to do with money like I had mentioned in earlier posts. She blames me for us not being where she thinks we should be financially. She mentioned that if shes going to be broke and married she might as well be single and married.

It really does hurt me to know that the entire time I've been deployed, she's been planning our divorce. I know however that her behavior and the things she's said to other people have shown that she's confused about everything.

It's almost like she puts on this tough exterior, but inside she's confused. I know the reality is she thinks she wants a D most of the time, but sometimes she's not sure.

This all just reinforces the fact that I need to go home and move on. I need to plan on life without her, and whatever happens will happen.

This new information isn't a total shock, but i was surprised to hear how deep her plan has been. She was planning this the entire time I was gone.

I really don't know what to do with this new information. Should i confront her on some of these things or just let it go? It's going to eat me up inside I know that. these were thoughts she had 3 months ago, and the friend doesn't know what she's doing now. They really don't speak that much anymore.

[tbart01]

i really don't know what to do with this new bit of information, and if this changes anything.

[tbart01]

Do I ask her about any of it?

[tbart01]

anybody please.

[robx]

nope, you don't confront her about any of this yet, you would just make her more angry because now you've been snooping and gathering intel, there's more still to come, wait & see, one thing I notice is that you're in reaction mode: she does something and you react, get out of that routine asap it doesn't help your sitch at all

[tbart01]

It's difficult to not want to react because I'm still 8000 miles away with my hands tied behind my back. I wouldn't say any of this to her now. Actually, I'm not really sure this changes anything because it's nothing I didn't already know. With this not being a total surprise, it doesn't change my course or path.

I just don't understand how someone you could love and care about so much turn on you. It's difficult to fathom that she would want me to deploy to a combat zone so she could plan our divorce.

She had mentioned to this friend the possibility of getting a restraining order against me when returned, and to have someone with her when she picked me up at the airport. I have never in all our marriage given her a reason to fear me or think that I would hurt her.

I just want to go home, see my girls and move on. I in no way would want to remain married to her the way she is currently acting. I'm going to go home and get on with myself. If she doesn't change and decide to work on this, that's on her. All I can do is worry about me and my girls.

I'm not saying I've been the perfect H, but I certainly haven't done anything to deserve this. She had mentioned to the friend that she wanted this to be for a year, but when I asked her a few months back if she wanted me to extend it for a year she said no.

She cried to friends and family once she found out where I was going. She wanted me to deploy, just not to a combat zone. She even went through rough emotional times about me being here since I've been here.

This woman is all over the map emotionally. Unfortunately, it's got me all over the map in a place i need my total focus. I don't want to over analyze everything she says or does, but it's difficult to not do that right now.

I know her plan hasn't materialized like she imagined. I'm sure from her actions and words to others and myself that she's confused as well. I won't really know how far she's gone until I get home. This is going to be 3 1/2 very long weeks.

I'll need your guys help more than ever in the coming days. Just please keep watch on me, and help me not to do something stupid.

[peace2u]

You wrote "My W has stripped these abilities from me with the state she's put me in."

She didn't strip you of anything. You're actually stripping yourself of these things, which is understandable under the conditions you find yourself in. The desperation, hopelessness and powerlessness are all part of the process we go through. You need to understand you are giving her the power over you. Our suffering comes from playing the victim as if someone else actually has power over us.

You made a mistake calling her about the Facebook message. Ask yourself this - Why did you need to know? Would it actually change anything in the situation by knowing the answer? You think the worst, she gives you an answer that is not the worst case scenario, but I'll wager good money your mind is now in the loop wondering if she is actually telling the truth. This will now swirl in your head like the question you had before you called her. You can't escape this mental masturbation by chasing down every detail of her life.

I understand the compulsion to know - it's a control mechanism. We somehow believe if we know the "total truth" then and only then can we fix it. You can't fix anything except yourself.

The hardest thing someone needs to do (I know this from my own situation) is to detach. Detachment has a mind of its own, but until it hits you, you have to fake it. Keep her out of your head - easier said than done but it's THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO!

I can't say this enough, and it was drilled into my head on a daily basis on these boards.

DETACH
DETACH
DETACH

The last thing a WAS wants is to be questioned about their lives, their motives, their thoughts, their feelings, etc... It pushes them away because they get the same feelings that put you two in this position.

You have no control. You have to let her be and 'let her go' so to speak. Focus on you and let her do her thing. Don't read into anything.

I know this all easier said then done, but it's necessary and you're only hope of changing the 'seemingly apparent' course you are on.

Sometimes backwards is forward.

The above is a quote from a couple days ago from Steady..

Hi tbart, I've been off these boards a long long time but wanted to tell you that you need to reread what Steady said above and let it REALLY sink in. My sitch is kind of opposite of yours...I'm the one that wants out and I can assure you that the detachment is what you NEED to do for yourself. Different circumstances - since I'm not sure why your W wants out, but I will try to give you the opposite perspective. My main goal right now is to reiterate what Steady has said above. You need to accept what may happen and work on being ok with either outcome BEFORE you return home. It's excellent advice. It's hard to detach. I've been living in my turmoil for over 3 years and I couldn't honestly say I detached until a few months ago. Its a process and you need to start practicing.

[steady]

It's difficult to not want to react because I'm still 8000 miles away with my hands tied behind my back. I wouldn't say any of this to her now. Actually, I'm not really sure this changes anything because it's nothing I didn't already know. With this not being a total surprise, it doesn't change my course or path.

You're right, it doesn't change anything. The past is dead so don't ponder it. My W told me she had planning a D for years. We moved from VA to NY and she told me one of the reasons she wanted to do that was because it was better for her to get D in NY and she wanted to be near her family for support. I have no idea how much of this is true because she re-wrote so much of the past that I don't trust anything that comes through her lips. It doesn't matter how long she's been planning it.

IT IS AT IS. Things are exactly as they are RIGHT NOW. That's the only thing you can deal with. Forget the future because you have no idea how any of this is going to work out until you get there.

I just don't understand how someone you could love and care about so much turn on you. It's difficult to fathom that she would want me to deploy to a combat zone so she could plan our divorce.

Dude, I feel you here. You don't understand because you aren't her. I can't understand how my W could possibly be fighting me on 50/50 physical custody of my kids. But the fact is she is and that's the only thing I can deal with. I don't need to understand why or how she can do this in order to take actions to protect myself and try to get what I feel is rightfully mine.

She had mentioned to this friend the possibility of getting a restraining order against me when returned, and to have someone with her when she picked me up at the airport. I have never in all our marriage given her a reason to fear me or think that I would hurt her.

My W attempted to do the same thing. I don't know what state you're in but in NY they won't issue an order unless their is past evidence of behavior that is in line with violence or abuse. I was deeply hurt that she even tried to get one. It was a major thing that she could possibly think I would ever hurt her.

I just want to go home, see my girls and move on. I in no way would want to remain married to her the way she is currently acting. I'm going to go home and get on with myself. If she doesn't change and decide to work on this, that's on her. All I can do is worry about me and my girls.

Yes, keep the focus on yourself and your girls. Move on. Build yourself a life you want. It doesn't mean things won't work out but you need to move forward and show her you are willing to do that.

And yes, if she doesn't decide to work on it that is hers to deal with. I found they don't always think rationally. My W did all kinds of things that backfired on her.

I'm not saying I've been the perfect H, but I certainly haven't done anything to deserve this. She had mentioned to the friend that she wanted this to be for a year, but when I asked her a few months back if she wanted me to extend it for a year she said no.

Whether you deserve it or not is not the issue. The fact is that you have it deserving or not. Don't ponder this, just accept it's the situation you are in and make decisions accordingly.

She cried to friends and family once she found out where I was going. She wanted me to deploy, just not to a combat zone. She even went through rough emotional times about me being here since I've been here.

It's a roller coaster and it's hers. Stay off of it. She will be all over the place.

This woman is all over the map emotionally. Unfortunately, it's got me all over the map in a place i need my total focus. I don't want to over analyze everything she says or does, but it's difficult to not do that right now.

Again her being all over the map is her roller coaster and not yours unless you jump on with her. Take everything she says and does as an event, don't follow her lead. There are many things my W said she was going to do and never did. There are things she did that she never mentioned she would do. I know it's difficult, but just remember it's her demons she is dealing with. You have your own. Let her take care of her business and you take care of yours.

And stay out of her head. You can't read her mind so you won't know what she's thinking. Even if she told you, you could never know if it's the truth. She'll feel one way this second then the opposite in the next.

I know her plan hasn't materialized like she imagined. I'm sure from her actions and words to others and myself that she's confused as well. I won't really know how far she's gone until I get home. This is going to be 3 1/2 very long weeks.

My W thought I'd be out of the house in two months after she said she wanted a D. She thought she would get the house and the kids and I'd be out. It's been 14 months now and none of these issues have been resolved, so I can say it didn't go according to her plan.

Confused doesn't even scratch the surface.

I'll need your guys help more than ever in the coming days. Just please keep watch on me, and help me not to do something stupid.

They only way you're going to do something stupid is if you do something without coming here first and getting feedback. It's the only time I did something stupid. Keep your mouth shut, breath, take time before you act. We all are in the habit of reacting to them and their behavior, but I challenge you to act rather than react.