yes-- or even felt she was "better" than me... just a higher emotional IQ... so good with people... makes friends so easily.
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so when she said she was unsatisfied, what was your response, to listen?
she never said this. she just dropped the bomb... now I tell her I totally understand how she could have felt that way...
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when she tells you she doesn't believe the changes do you show her the changes are real or do you talk about the possibility of doing heart surgery and yada yada yada here instead of moving?
I was showing her the changes are real. She was starting to believe. the new opportunity came up, though, last week, which brought up the issue of continuing to be a heart surgeon. I should mention that there is a possible job opportunity in mass... which she said she would very much entertain... this makes not a lot of sense since she doesn't want to come back here and doesn't want me to live with her there... yet would move to an entirely new state with me? crazy.
now my changes are to listen better. to be more empathetic. to be more engaged... I would love on her if I had the chance but it is not there. these types of things are separate from my personal desire to continue to do that which I spent my life becoming... I feel that way anyhow.
I do love heart surgery. I AM a heart surgeon... I'm not sure unless you are then you understand that. I don't want to say you all aren't right that the marriage and the kids should be the number one priority. and they are.... in my circumstance it appears my wife does not want to leave the town she is living in becuase... uh... well she appears to have moved there to be with OM. so now I give up hearts to move there, do general surgery... BUT.... this is my life. and I do love what I do... I'm not gonna love what I'm gonna do. this is important. go ahead! whack me with another 2x4!... i'm having a hard time giving it up. I spent 13 years to become this.
I'm not sure there really is an opportunity to stay here anyhow. I've already signed a contract there. I've moped around here for the last 2 months and sortof checked out... so really there is not much of an option to stay. and I told them I was leaving.
but today I was on call, getting consults... and well I felt like myself again. I felt good. for what it is worth.
what am I not shutting up about fig?
yes my wife is the most important thing to me... but to ME... and ME has been lost in the last 7 months.. that's what I'm trying to figure out.
bradley this is going to sound wicked harsh but (sorry Cat) you are one selfish guy
listen...heart surgery is no more a passion to you than many things are to many of us (I could list teaching here or writing...did you know that I am published? Not many people do because it doesn't pay a lot...my kids needed food. I got a job that provided that for them...I write when i can)
you are Bradley who does heart surgery probably does it very well but you are not heart surgery
stop doing sh!t half-assed
you want to save your marriage then get to it instead of always looking back over your shoulder and thinking "but I really lvoe heart surgery"
you love that more than your family, which you may and there isn't a judgment there...if you do, you do then stop doing that half-assed and get off this freakingboard and go do it
this pantywaisted whiny about what you want to do is killing me
be a heart surgeon or be a husband and father because it looks like you have resigned yourself to having to chose
yup you might not get to do heart surgery now you don't know what will open up there
you don't know
you need to do what is in your heart and you need to stop expecting people to figure it out for you or to tell you whatever you do is ok and the next time you make some sort of freaking condescending "you don't understand what being a heart surgeon means: bs you better think about the fact that EVERYONE you encounter has a dream...an important dream...a dream they spent their life trying to fulfill...just because you can crack a guys chest open and massage his heart doesn't mean that dream is more important than the guy who dreamed of painting a masterpiece and spent years perfecting his craft, or the high school kid who is here illegally and is working a 50hr a week night job to make sure his little sister has a home and food because his mom died of cancer and it killed his dad so that kid had to defer his hard work of getting through high school and work at Target and save $20 from each paycheck so he can go to school piece-meal like because all he wants to be is an accountant.
if I lived in a place where someone's pretentious "I spent 13 years honing my craft" ever came out of their mouth and "I'm not sure unless you are ONE that you would understand" ...
how dare you presume that your dream is more important that any other dream that your hard work and sacrifice is any more hard one than someone elses
humbleness man humbleness is something you need
because I swear, if I were your partner and i heard that come out of your mouth...
what is your wife's dream? what did she defer for 13 years
I am going to ask a really stupid question. When you move to this new place, there is absolutely, positively no chance you could ever become a heart surgeon? Ever.
I dropped everything, resigned my position after 15 yrs, man I had reached the penacle,next move was to co-owner and I quit it all to show my family what they meant.
Now didn't stop a divorce, but at least I know and I feel good about the fact that I made the decision to not put a job in front of family.Because evidently the support I thought I had, turned out to be a huge strain on the other half.
But my heart feels good and if it's too late well screw them, my wife's missing out on the best part of me.But I'm not, I am flat broke, but I am not near as stressed as I was and I've made myself available nw they're not or haven't taken advantage, but then who is that on them or me?
I do appreciate your honesty. I appreciate being called out, if indeed that is what needs to happen.
no I do not think my dream is any more important than anyone elses. I think you misunderstood me. what I mean is just like anything else that requires many hard hours to become it, a fireman, anything-- that you become that thing to some extent. and in particular, if you enjoy it, giving it up is giving up a large part of yourself.
and trust me when I say I am humbled more than you know by this experience.
here is the thing Fig-
she moved up there "for a year" to "pursue a dream to start a foundation"... then she would come back.
the foundation still does not exist. she does not have a job. she, herself, last week, said, "there is no reason why I would stay here"... yet when there was an opportunity for me to take a job in louisville... and she could be doing exactly what she wants to do (pediatric palliative care)... she didn't want to go. no good reason. then this opportunity came back to stay. now she didn't want to come because she "didn't want to live there-- that's why I left.". this was never the original reason. she never even lived here. she was here for about 2 weeks... then left.. originally, when she left it was to pursue the dream for one year then come back. at that time I did not know the job here was not going to work out.
are you reading between the lines? she moved to the town to be with the OM. he left his wife around the same time. thus... now I am giving up not so much my dream-- but what I was trained to do-- to go to another town where YES I can be with my kids-- but this is the town that I need to go to because my wife went there to be with another man.
I have supported her unconditionally in this endeavor-- even as she has ruined me financially. however-- the whole thing was based on a lie.
it is NOT that simple to just say, "let her pursue her dream and now I will sacrifice". she is pursuing not so much her work dream, but her fantasy life.
there is a powerful reason why she moved there, and a powerful reason why she doesn't want to leave, and a powerful reason why she would actually force me to make a decision of my kids or my career (when really there were a few options where that did not need to happen)... and I can only think of one thing, since nothing else exists there right now. so that powerful thing is not something insignificant to me, particularly when I am making such a big life decision. maybe none of this matters. my kids are there-- and I need to go there.
however if she truly meant what she says-- that she does not want a divorce, wants us to be a "success", and -- and wanted to keep the family intact-- as she has said, she would leave that town, again where she said there is nothing there for her, right? does any of this make any sense?
in other words her story for why she went there has changed, her story for why she won't leave also changes... when really the reasons are pretty darn clear.
OM now lives about a stones throw from her-- bought a house right there.
and I DO NOT love heart surgery more than my family. I never did.
and this is a one way trip. you stop doing it it is not like riding a bike--- thats it... done.
in the end... she played me. she manipulated me. she lied to me about her intentions. she lied about coming back. she told me "this is my dream". so I supported her. unfortunately now she's got the kids. in a town with the OM. and I'm going to move there and give up what I do. however I am willing to do that to be closer to my kids. to be a father. this is the reality of things
I think you could make a living as a professional poker player- all those tournaments you won
I like what you have to say. when it is all said and done, at the very least as you point out, by doing what I am doing I am giving it everything I have. making a statement about what is important. then perhaps one day I will be able to sleep (note the time I am posting) and know I did give it my all. I do think this job would allow me more time with my boys-- to some degree. less high profile, less stressful-- and probably ok to leave in the afternoons to go to ball games and the like.
You've been getting quite a beating here and you've accepted it pretty graciously.
We can get a little high and mighty sometimes. And God forbid we catch a whiff of condescension or "oh woe is me" taking precedence over family (particularly our kids)....
As usual, I think reality is a bit more complicated than we tend to make it seem in a forum like this. I think your last big post does the best job yet of clarifying just what the dynamics are between you and your wife.
Those of us who have dealt with MLC (or at least think we have - I've never been quite sure myself) should know well the deceptive ways of the MLC spouse. There was a sense of rightness that I picked up in that last post of yours - a sense of feeling like I was finally picking up on a fuller glance at the situation you are dealing with.
No, there is no career that should trump our family. That is one of the big moments of clarity that most of us will have in a scenario like this where our world is suddenly turned upside down. But you make a good point when you try to get us to look at the whole picture, instead of a more generalized glance.
Your wife did not move for a better job opportunity. She moved to pursue her relationship with her new man. I think that is probably a fair and accurate assessment.
At the same time, it's pretty clear that she also had some legitimate issues with you and what you were bringing (or more accurately, NOT bringing) to the marriage/family. Her needs were NOT being met and she probably legitmately felt as though HER dreams were not of importance.
As so often happens here, there is some truth in the deception that she is carrying out.
Your hesitancy is not JUST selfishness or whining on your part. You do in fact have a legitmate beef with uprooting your life to appease a spouse who is still acting out.
The problem with your indecision Brad is your kids. Because, here especially, kids trump all. While it truly does suck to think of trashcanning a career that you worked long and hard for because of the acting out of an MLC spouse, this may be a case where you have to do just that if you plan to be able to live with the decisions you are now being asked to make.
You absolutely want to the be the father your kids need.
And my guess is that you still hope to save the marriage with your wife.
And if those two statements are true for you, you may well have to do something that you shouldn't have to do, given your wife's improper actions. It's not fair. I would even say it's not right (your wife deserves no more of a free pass than you do in my opinion), but if you want to be a man of integrity and honor, you may have to do it anyway.
I do happen to believe that you are still being played by your wife. At the same time, I also believe that your wife is still teetering on the issue of whether or not you are someone she could still have a future with.
Tough times buddy, but not much you can do about it.
Guess I just wanted to chime in with my take. You've been beat up a bunch here, some deserved and, I think, some not so deserved. Don't take my comments as a legitimization of your more selfish traits though. In the end I will still tell you that, heart surgeon or not, family trumps all.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
