Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Well, we've made it through (at least according to the doctor) and we are going back to something that looks like our life previous to surgery, now that the doctor has given her permission to get up and about (and to drive, though that will really start next week).

The days of working at home will also be greatly reduced (working from my "man cave").

I would be surprised if there is anything special out of this. So far that has consisted of a cup of coffee explicitly purchased for all I've done.

I have no expectations on this because I have 17 years of married history to use as the reference case.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Step 1: Looking to change job.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Step 2: Interviews Complete...Waiting

[Young at Heart]

Good Luck Captain!

I am sure that something interesting will open up.

It is important to have faith and visualize what you want and need.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Today is the 24th anniversary of the first time my wife and I made love. There was a time when we used to celebrate this day and laugh about how difficult that first time was (courtesy of Eastern Airlines, the world's largest unscheduled airlines). But she waited for me at the airport (rather than at my house because she was afraid my ex-wife would see her car and come to investigate) as my plane was more than 3 hours late.

Now the day passes with only a notice by me.

The other day I was reading about how difficult it is to alter our lives to deal with energy and climate issues and it struck me that the observation there applies here as well.

I have been asked several times why I stay in a sexless marriage to a woman that has set things up to suit her and not with any consideration of me. The answer is two words:

"Sunken costs."

I have invested so much in time (wasted though it may have been) and money that walking away just has the appearance of being "too costly" even though I have relatively little to show for my marriage and the intimacy that I explicitly sought so many years ago. It's one thing to realize that long ago I made a mistake in not ending this and just walking away when I was 35 or even at the age of 43or 44. It's something else, at nearly 57 years of age, to say that I should just walk away and start again or, more likely, walk away and live the remainder of my life alone with all the emotional and financial costs associated with that.

The question I'm always dealing with is this: is it better (for me) to have a wife that is little more than a housemate than to have no one at all?

We are now a mere 3 weeks away from 13 sexless years.

[Young at Heart]

One of the most profound things for my wife was when her individual sex therapist, got her to realize that she was truly and deeply angry at me for my lack of helping my wife care for out two young children over 20 years ago.

After my wife was able to recognize this very deep anger at feeling that I had let her down and abandoned her (sort of like her parents did when she was growing up-according to my wife), she was able to be lead by the sex therapist into seeing that she (my wife) had not communicated her needs clearly enough to me and that she had also abandoned me.

It was the recognition of this deep pain and that she had done the same abandonment to someone else that she complained about which was the key to her being willing to begin to change. (She has changed a lot, but is still working on body self image issues and some inhibitions, but I now feel truly loved and blessed by this woman's companionship and focus on making me feel loved.)

I am not saying that your wife is the same as mine, but there may be some deep issue or pain that you wife felt. My wife's individual sex therapist told her that the vast majority of older women who don't have sex with their husbands (when their is no medical reason) is because of anger.

Obviously, your wife has some significant (hopefully temporary) medical issues.

Maybe you could tell her that now that she is medically recovering to build a new life, now that you have proven your love for her by being their to provide her with nursing and nurturing; maybe the two of you can try to rebuild your marriage. Then point out that this is an anniversary of significance to you and apologize for anything that you have done that deeply hurt her. Why not try again? Maybe she might even be willing to sign up with you for some kind of couples weekend relationship course.

Good luck to you and I wish you happiness in whatever path it takes.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Y@H

What you describe as anger (at you and for similar "reasons") would certainly be applicable if we were talking about my first wife.

Unfortunately, while some medical situations are still being treated and may eventually improve, some others will never change. Her uterus and ovaries are never coming back. The auto-immune response to stress (both emotional and physical) has been going on for a decade.

No, I don't think the medical stuff is going to go away.

It sounds like you are having some success and I am glad for you and your progress.

[finding_answers]

I don't mean to hijack, but I feel your pain.

I've been in an SSM for 6 years now. While I was silently enduring doing a 180 (less asking for sex) (looking back, more like a lopsided 180 - my fault), she said she was thinking of a divorce 6 months after I started it (again, probably due to my lopsided 180), of which I responded with a lot of confusion, anger, bitterness, and resentment.

So we then started therapy. After just 1 session, she suddenly gets diagnosed with Cancer, completely random, unrelated, and ill-timed (Thanks God?). I thought I would lose her - it was bad. Surgery then chemotherapy. I was also in the middle of a intense legal battle that was completely unrelated. Did I say we are in our late 20s? We survived that, I took care of her, but my silent (lopsided) 180 became a full-blown 180. We have no children, not sure if the Cancer prevented our ability to have it.

Fast-forward today, we have been to three more therapists, with no answers aside from figuring out how we got here.

She has no idea how we could ever "reignite" our passion. I just dont ask for it - I cant, it has an opposite effect.

Read the SSM book 5 years ago. She tried the just-do-it approach and it led to "resentment" (and still blames me) as we discovered in our therapy sessions (thanks Michelle!).

I already read Schnarch's differentiation concept. Practicing it. She read portions of it too until it got all pornographic.

I silently read the Divorce Busting book and trying some real 180s (not the lopsided ones).

I am also reading the 5 languages right now.

Anyway, caring for your spouse when she needs you the most, sacrificing all your own needs, takes a huge heart. Yeah, you and me know that already, we have a special place in the afterlife (I dont really know that - I like to hear it). But it still hurts - and we endure it.

At the end of the day. There are four lights.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I realize that part of what i deal with is the sense that she might not be "OK" if I ended this.

In some ways it's like seeing you children off getting them into adualthood and then knowing that they will be OK. There is some relief in knowing that as they start their own lives.

I don't have the same sense, for whatever reason, in my marriage and I'm certainly NOT a rescuer.

The Captain

[alice444]

so you are staying with it b/c she needs you to or you feel like you need to take care of her?