I agree to leave it be. To even acknowledge you did good might be like picking a scab and it might backfire and start what was successfully stopped last night. If anything, I'd be a tiny bit extra nice and friendly to him to show that you didn't take offense to him stopping the topic of conversation.
Do you think his anxiety meds are helping him get control of himself before he reaches the boiling point--like how he stopped you last night?
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Yes the meds are helping. He's told me as much. I"m so glad he got himself some help on that front, although I've had some concerns.
And, it's amazing to see him listening in MC and trying what the MC said. This is so different from last year when he shut me out completely. And for me, the fact that I can "make a mistake" and not feel devastated, like I blew it all. I'm beginning to trust H more and more through moments like this and can only hope he is too.
That's good that they're helping. It gives you a chance to show your changes to him like you just did and show that with a little change from him (the meds and not turning into Mr. Rage-o-holic" at the drop of a pin) and a little change from you (hearing him when he calls for the time out and backing off) that the whole dynamic of the "bad" part of your R can be massively changed.
Seriously, this is fab and a huge baby step! Now, I'm sure it's not going to work so wonderfully every time, but practice on both your parts makes perfect.
Oh, and I amend what I said about dropping it. *If* it comes up in MC or something comes up about you guys taking a step back when things escalate, I think a small pat on the back for him would be appropriate in that environment.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Yeah I agree. I'm not going to "pursue" but I will listen if he returns to it. Also, a general "we did good" might be in order in MC.
You're right Freckle - this is a biggie! The more I think about this today, folks, the more huge it seems! It really was stopping what turns into our worse fights - and we did it with respect and love. I'm amazed!
Wow - changes are possible! NOw to only do it a thousand million trillion bagillion more times (as my S5 would say!)
You're right Freckle - this is a biggie! The more I think about this today, folks, the more huge it seems! It really was stopping what turns into our worse fights - and we did it with respect and love. I'm amazed!
Way to piece H4L!!! And you both stopped the fight and turned it into something positive. If you wanted proof that your H is an active participant in the piecing process, you have it now!
I want what your H is taking
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Feels good to break the old/bad patterns, huh? 80% of the success in in our head. I believe that. I've tested my tehory with myself and it proved correct. Dont underestimate the impact positive attitude makes.
What seemed to work with my H during the "fights" we had lately, was when I told him "listen, our goal is the same, a good M, we are on the same side, right and wrong doenst it matter, we need to be thinking SOLUTIONS". It clicked in his head. He stopped and changed his tone of voice...
I believe when we get into piecing as rivals (us and spouses) we make it impossible. And it is hard to shift the before piecing attitude -speaking about myself- where he was "the enemy". We SHOULD be on the same side on this. What we are trying to figure out, is how to be effective. Teamwork.
The goal is clear. Now, let's just DO IT damn it! K
Kalni, thank you that is what I'm feeling but you put words to it perfectly. Shifting my attitude to one of "this isn't the enemy any more" and I can start to let down my defences...it's taking time. But I agree working on my PMA is very important now. "As if" we already have the M we are working toward. Giving ourselves credit where credit is due, focussing on goals.
More good news, folks. Today Gno talked to me about LL - one of H's is "quality time". He's been pushing me away for so long, I forgot this was something he originally felt was missing post bomb.
So we made a plan that I would show more interest in H's life, hobbies, etc. If you read my first thread, I spent many months either at the other end of the house, or at a friend's when H was here. But I"m piecing now. STill getting used to that. Time to take risks.
So when I came home from rehearsal (10:30), I showed interest in his show. He watches these silly realistic cop shows and prebomb I would have said "I don't like violence" and walked away. INstead, I grabbed a beer, sat down, and just enjoyed the campiness of it with him. It was fun, we were laughing on the couch together.
So then he turns on the computer, pulls out GoogleEarth and demonstrates the flight adventure he had on Tuesday (our bombiversary btw). Gno said get interested in planes, and let him brag about his plane. Prebomb I would have said, "planes are dangerous" and not paid much attention. During early postbomb, I would have just been emotional and tried to talk about how painful bombiversaries are!
BUt now - I listened to his whole adventure, seeing the positive in it. I shared his enthusiasm. He really opened up as I continued to ask more questions about the experience. I decided that to love him, I need to be genuinely interested in what he's interested in. For him to feel loved, he needs to share what he enjoys. Finally, finally, finally, we're at the place I can start showing interest and getting closer to him again.
PS one more positive - H asked if I wanted to make Passover dinner here for his side of the family. He comes from East Coast Jews, so this is the big holiday. Last couple of years, my MIL made the passover dinner.
a)I haven't been invited to the last few IL-family gettogethers - first one in a while b)H wants to host a family dinner AT OUR HOUSE, not his apt, or not avoid the separate housing issue at all. He could have just told him mom to do it again but holidays at our house=good thing. Homey. c) We'll be cooking, hosting, and cleaning up together, H and I. MOre bonding time. d)Compare this to last October when H's dad came out here from the east coast. H didn't even want me in the house when he invited his dad over. No "family dinners" including me at all.Now the whole gang is coming.
*clapping*
And you 