The latest with me

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey flowmom, thanks for stopping by! I've been tardy with the updates because I'm trying not to think about my sitch too much. I read somewhere the best way to move on is to not talk about your ex...etc but dammit I'm stronger than that, in fact, I'm trying to become an Old School Man like Clint Eastwood and Steve McQueen LOL

http://www.oldschoolman.com/2010/03/11/habits-of-the-old-school-man-part-1/

So I had a great time on Mon with my DD. I drove home, switched cars then went straight to STBXW's house to pick her up. I was in work attire but it was hot so I rolled up the sleeves of my white button up shirt, opened the top button, threw my shades on, cranked up the radio and all of a sudden I felt like I was somebody! Showed up, wife kinda did a double take and tried looking away. I immediately focused on DD, who was hiding her face under her arms. I guess she didn't want to go with me but a little of funny talk and tickling is all it took for her to immediately warm up to me and off we went. I brought over some clothes of STBXW's that'd washed with the rest of the laundry as well as her monthly allowance check that I've been giving her since she became unemployed. I gave her more this time figuring she'll have new expenses.

Let's see...so we got home, rode our bikes, she played with the neighbor's kids, we ate dinner, watched a movie then it was 'ni-night' time. Before reading her the bedtime books I let her talk to her mom. I was hoping to catch up on a few things after she went to bed but it was late for her and she wasn't falling asleep. She asked me to lie down with her. So I grabbed my blanket and pillow and laid down on the floor next to her and fell asleep there. The morning was busy, getting ready and getting her ready etc but she was awesome and with a little bit of help she got ready all by herself.

Didn't see her yesterday...

Will see her today...

[ImprovedRomeo]

Journaling today's stuff. STBX sent me an email at 11:43AM (usually DD will call me in the morning around 8:30AM) telling me DD was at school and if I want her to pick her up and if she could keep her Fri so they can go to a party Sat morning.

I haven't replied because she didn't have DD call me this morning and I don't want to reply rightaway nor do I want her to think she will have the luxury of planning ahead. Things will be more spontaneous, less predictable and what's best for DD without being nasty to STBXW. I'll also only talk to STBX only on DD's topic or something she asks me. I won't tell her or share with her anything else. No small talk, no chit-chat. I'm growing stronger everyday I don't see or interact with her.

My plan for today is to leave a bit early, pick DD up from school so I don't have to see STBXW.

Oh Flowmom, I know about Retrovaille, I've mentioned to STBXW many times she wouldn't go. She won't say no but she won't say yes or show any interest. That's been the problem, even when she came back she didn't want to address the core issues. That's why I'm done putting in all the efforts.

[flowmom]

I was in work attire but it was hot so I rolled up the sleeves of my white button up shirt, opened the top button, threw my shades on, cranked up the radio and all of a sudden I felt like I was somebody!

Gotta love a guy who wears nice clothes in a devil-may-care way . Women DO notice 180s like this .

It sounds like you have a plan and you're following it carefully. Thumbs up!

[mindfull]

StupidRomeo -

You don't sound so stupid! And, I see you're surrounding yourself w/brilliant women here...!!!

So, exactly what Flo said... Nice attitude today.

And, I'm smart enough, but give awful advice. I used to get away w/just being cute! LoL

Good Luck, and I'll keep checking in!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thank you ladies! and I do appreciate you checking in on me. To be honest I'm not sure where I'm headed with all this but at least I can take control of part of the situation - whatever's in my power.

Yesterday worked out as planned. Sent STBXW this email:
"I'll pick DD up from school today. Sure, you can keep her on Fri if it helps you."

I think I should've left out the 'if it helps you...' part. Anyway got to DD's school early picked her up, she said she wanted to sleep at mommy's house today but she wasn't upset about it. We went to the grocery store, I let her pick out fruit etc. Got home, rode her bike, then she played with the neighbor's kid for a bit, then I had her work on her homework while I got some dinner ready. Ate dinner, she watched Caillou on Netflix (hooked to our TV) then it was time for bed. She again said she wanted to sleep at mommy's and that she wants mommy to pick her up the next day. Kinda broke my heart because I've been trying to be the best dad/pal to her but I understand every kid wants their mommy for comfort. I told her we'll call mommy after reading the bedtime books and we did (well she did). She told her to pick her up from school tomorrow and STBX said 'yeah, ok if daddy's OK with it' - I didn't say anything I didn't want her to even hear my voice (she was on speaker).

Anyway, last night was tough because she wanted me to sleep in her room again and the hard cold floor's no good for my aging body. I tossed and turned most of the night and around 3AM the electricity went out! of all the times! it got pitch dark and quiet and that woke DD up and then she kept wanting to hold my hand or she kept wanting to talk etc. Finally, I was just starting to fall asleep again and riiiiing riiiing my 5:40AM alarm goes off ugh! I got up, found the flash lights, start getting her toothbrush etc ready and the lights came on whew! Anyway, off to school shortly afterwards and she said she started talking about getting 'littlest pet shop' toy and I said we could go and take a look next time. She immediately said 'daddy, actually I want you to pick me up today'. I told her she could still stay with mommy and we could go see the toys next time but now she was adamant that I pick her up. So I guess I'll pick her up today afterall.

I won't be initiating any contact with STBXW today. I know there's a fine line between showing independance and showing you're pissed off at them and I hope she doesn't take it as the latter.

[flowmom]

SR, I think that you and your STBX need to discuss coparenting. Your D is getting the idea that it's up to HER where she spends the night. I think that overnights should definitely take into account the child's wishes, feelings, and needs, but you and her mother should sound totally confident and in charge when it comes to overnights, not wishywashy. You should discuss plans without your D hearing the back and forth (pref by email). Your D needs to know that both of you are still her PARENTS and she doesn't have to have the responsibility of deciding what's best for herself. My heart breaks every time my children stay overnight with my H, but I let them know 2 nights before and the night before and give them enough warning about what the plan is so that they are not blindsided. They need the control of knowing what to expect, not being in charge of what will happen.

[ImprovedRomeo]

FM, thanks and I think that's where I wasn't sure of myself. On the one hand I don't want her to feel she's stuck with one and can't see the other. It's hard for a little kid to choose, they love you both and they'd much rather bounce back and forth like she used to when we all lived under the same roof. She'd have my attention for a while then she'd run to mom etc.

Now, I hate forcing her to be with me or her mom. Having said that you're also right that she needs discipline, consistency and order in her life. Things can't be in a limbo. Last time when my wife left I was the one to come up with our rolling 2 days with her and 2 days with me and it worked out well. This time I haven't said anything yet. One thing she complains about is me wanting everything planned out. She didn't like that. However, this is for my DD and I don't care what she thinks and that's the discussion I'll have with her soon.

Thanks for setting me straight there.

[mindfull]

Romeo - Forgot to tell you the planet we're from... we're all on the alt, are you? It gets really dicey, there! LoL

[BeginningAgain]

I agree that it is essential that you put some structure and consistency in the overnight and visitation schedule. Once a schedule is in place and followed I think your D6 will actually feel less stressed about who's house she is supposed to be at. Right now she could be waffling back and forth because she may be having guilty feelings of not staying with you or not staying with her Mom.

[flowmom]

Yes, she will respond really well to both you and your W acting very calm and confident about the schedule. Have a calendar up with large squares and have special stickers to show nights with dad and nights with mom. The more that she feels that you are doing your parent jobs, the more that she will feel free to work on her job of being a kid. I don't see it as much about discipline as about feeling safe and cared for.

I'm glad you get it. Your W may not be willing to be a grownup in many areas, but this is an area where she won't have any choice