But after today, I'm thinking the obsession is with protecting what's left of my family.
I had a meeting with S5's preschool teachers. He has been experiencing some problems of late, which I have mentioned his teachers wanting to discuss. He is expressing some emotional problems and some frustration with his speech. The bottom-line is that we're going to have S5 screened for Asperger's, just to make sure that's not it. He now tends to emulate some of the behaviors of his older brother (who does have AS).
The meeting ended on a hopeful note, with a plan of action. The goal is to make sure S5 is ready for kindergarten in the Fall. He's certainly bright and intelligent enough.
I am thinking that his turn in behavior is most likely temporary, and that S5 will again readjust.
I am also thinking that his two parents have been F'ing his life up lately.
xW was there at the meeting. She was her typical, post-bomb self. The only difference of note was that she did not, as she had many times before, taken the opportunity to proclaim to the teachers that I am totally to blame for our child's failings. The fact she contained herself to that degree was a welcome relief, and a breath of fresh air actually.
Perhaps having M'ed her affair partner, or just getting that goal behind her, she will start to lighten up. We shall see. I won't hold my breath, but we shall see.
As for myself, I could look at xW, sitting there across the table, and safely say there is now nothing there. She is just not the same person that I had married. At all. She is just an empty shell. It's sad, maybe, but also a bit of a relief to again recognize that I am free from this strange person.
As such, I came to the conclusion that the anger I feel is for the loss to myself and my family, my S's. It has been a disappointment that this stranger (xW) who took my spouse away would further injure me by removing me from my S's, if I let her.
So I looked at her and felt practically nothing -- I realized that my foremost concern was not for her, but for my S's, with S5 in this particular case. Whatever he needs to help him succeed was the chief order of business -- and I determined that if xW was also sincere enough to put S5 and S9 first, then I would be content to keep peace.
