Question

[ClingingToHope]

The story about your H's brother struck a chord. W's sisters are too of the most damaged people I know.

The older one is hyper driven but sees nothing else outside of her own needs. My favorite story, they were home for the holidays and shopping. SIL's hubby comes up and tells SIL that he found a pair of work boots for 50 percent off. He really needed new boots and these were just $50. She told him that they couldn't afford it. He'd have to wait another month. Then 30 minutes later she saw a cashmere sweater she liked and bought it for $150. The BIL didn't even bat an eye.

Luckily, she married a saint of a man who comes from a big family and believes "I do" means "I do forever." The H wanted kids but that didn't fit into SIL's plans so they are childless in their 40s.

The younger one is super outgoing but as far as I know hasn't had an actual date (she's not gay) in the 15 years I've known her. She also hasn't had a job in six years and drained the MIL of at least $20k in paying off CC debt and DUIs. She's now back in college at age 36 because she found a federal program that pays for indigent people to go to college. The MIL is paying for her housing. It never stops.

My W is a mix. Super driven and very focused on her own needs. But she has no self esteem, can't make friends easily and only comes out of her shell when drinking. Now that she's "single" she's spending lots of time with her mom, who always looked to W as her best friend because the other sisters will have little to do with her.

All three of them -- and the MIL -- are just super suspicious of the outside world. It's "their" fault they are in the fix they are in.

I saw major red flags when we were engaged, but I just thought I was the person who could rescue W from this mess.

Turns out she didn't want to be rescued. She wanted me to wade in and be the center. By the time I figured that out it was too late.

The family stuff is always very telling.

[awest1217]

The meeting was ok. It was pretty much that I have my job, and may not get my increment raise, which is up to the state and we won't know until the govenor decides to sign the bill on his desk or not.

As for H...it is a long story, but to keep it short because I am tired and don't feel like really putting too much detail in this. H text me a while this afternoon like yesterday, and I was just answering questions. He asked if it was easier if we didn't talk. I never said anything. We kept talking and he brought up us. Pretty much he said he is unhappy in our relationship because I am too overbearing and controlling. I have admitted to this many times and have been working on it. (He never said anything about him changing). I asked questions to which he said "i don't know". He did say he is going to talk to a friend and a counselor this week to help him sort some things out. He said he has a lot on his mind with his health, us, where to live, etc. I said a lot of ok and validating. I asked about taxes and figured we will file together this last time. Then asked about visitation to which he wanted to decide over texting so I made him say we would figure it out Friday at pizza. (this is the part i am having a hard time with because I don't want to give my baby to him, but H is his dad so I have no choice). I ended it with me saying I am tired of H saying he is unhappy with our relationship without giving me any solutions of how to help it. I also am tired of being blamed, and that although I would love for us to work, I am tired of holding our relationship together and that I feel there isn't a relationship because we only see each other once a week, text, never talk on the phone, and go at least one week a month without ever communicating.

He did text me just a little bit ago to say good night and "i do love you". I right now am trying to decide if I should put my ring back on for Friday night, otherwise I am heading towards divorce. Tonight once again showed me that he is not willing to even take a step. The people in north carolina must have agreed with him that he has done nothing wrong because we are back to me having to change and me being controlling and it is all unfair to him.

Although I am venting, I am not too upset besides realizing in a few weeks i will have to deal not having S with me, but I am not allowing S to spend the night with H until he has a permanent living arrangement because S needs consistency. I will type all of this up in a parental agreement and have us both sign on Friday night.

Any thoughts or advice...please let me know because right now I am in uncharted territory and I don't want to give up prematurely, but at the same time, I need to make sure I protect S and I.

[ClingingToHope]

The only thing I've read you be controlling about is no OM. It appears as if he's still trying to figure out a way to keep you and her.

He still can't commit to one person. That's all you are asking.

Type up the agreement, but be prepared for him to reject it.

[ClingingToHope]

Oh, I'm glad you're OK with the job. The recession is now hitting the public sector big time. Lots of teachers are in trouble for next year.

[awest1217]

Today has been a rough day for me. I have been working on typing the visitation agreement, and it is the hardest part of doing this. I have been S's sole provider for a year so it is hard to let him go. I know H when he is committed and follows through, is a great dad and loves S unconditionally, but it is still hard. The agreement is mostly so we both sign it and so H can't start doing like he did last May and cancelling days of visitation an hour before hand and crushing S's heart because I had told him he was going to see daddy. This will set up the times and hold him responsible and if he doesn't do those things then I have something in writing that he has signed. Not that that will make him follow through, but when it comes to the D and custody, if he continually cancels they can remove days. Once again I am trying to be as fair as possible while still protecting myself and S, who is most important to me.

[Lucky11too]

It's great that H wants to talk to a counselor and some people to work out his issues, but just watch out for him trying to find people to validate his own beliefs. I hope he does find someone who can knock some sense into him!

The visitation agreement is tough. I think about it too sometimes about having to give S up to H and it just breaks me. But for the good or bad, he still is his father. I think you have to go thru with this as you take steps to move forward with your life. Even if you do decide to wait it out a little longer, it will still be good to have this in process for S's sake. I know you don't want to give up too easily but you should have a good idea for sure where he is at shortly. He has to make some final decisions now about where he wants to live now etc and if he is not willing to try to work things out or actively pursuring ways to improve himself, then there is not much to work with for you. I think you know where this is going but you still have some time before filing for him to prove you wrong. If he really doesn't want a D and truely wants to be with you and only you, then he should fight for you. Yes, I know he is a broken man, but he just needs to give you a reason for hope.

[Kalni]

As for H...it is a long story, but to keep it short because I am tired and don't feel like really Any thoughts or advice...please let me know because right now I am in uncharted territory and I don't want to give up prematurely, but at the same time, I need to make sure I protect S and I.

Sweets, advice? We can only tell you what we think based on what you write. Soemetimes when I was pushing for him to proceed, people asked me "why file? what will it change for you?" I wanted closure, somekind of an ending/beginning. Still, I never filed. But our situations are different. Listen to your gut feeling, NOT fear. Fear is a bad advisor. In your shoes, I would proceed.
Stay strong
xx
K

[awest1217]

Thanks to both of you.

K-after reading your posts, I definitely value your opinion and advice because I believe you have been exactly where I am and have come out on the other side so the advice it very much welcomed.

Lucky-with having a small child also I know you understand how I feel, and I agree with you about just proceeding with this arrangement for S's sake.

I am planning on proceeding with the D. I am going to file taxes together as a good will gesture, but it is clear that I am keeping all of the refund. Depending on the amount of the refund, I will either file or save as much as I can and file this summer. I don't want to file and not have money to pay. I am though going to, after H signs the visitation agreement, live life like we are divorcing. I am not going to talk to him or ask him about his day. If he asks me a question, I will answer, but keep things mostly with S. We have easter and my birthday in April, but I am planning on celebrating apart whether I have filed or not. My plan is to file, but if I don't have the money, I can't right now because I am not going to go into more debt over a D.

I am wanting the D because I want this to be over. H keeps popping in and out whenever he wants and guilting me if I don't allow him into his life by saying how horrible his life is and how he hates his life. Too bad, you made your life what it is...it is not my fault. For a year, you have been living a life completely separate from me so why didn't you save a bunch of money (because that was always my fault), why didn't you pay bills on time, why aren't you happy. Sorry I know you guys aren't H, but I can't talk to H like that. This is one thing I have noticed has changed a lot from last year at this time. I hold my tongue and emotions so much better. Improvement!

I sent H an e-mail explaining the agreement and how I tried to make it as fair as possible. I let him know that I know he deserves to see S and support that decision because S needs his dad fully in his life. The agreement itself talks about everything from child-support to insurance to regular schedules to holidays and vacations to rules like no going out of state without giving the other parent an itinerary, etc. I tried to think of everything. I also said S would not spend the night until a permanent living arrangement is established. It definitely reads business like to keep emotions out of that part and is made for the future. It will probably scare H because he will say as he always does, but I might be home by then...doubt it...and he will say it reads like a divorce is upcoming...it is unless he shows me change as lucky said. I need to see a change not just hear it.

Overall it was rough to write. A lot of tears, but it is done and I feel good about it.

[ClingingToHope]

How are things today?

[Lucky11too]

That sounds like a good plan there. Yes, you want it to work (and he still has that chance to make that change - it's not over til it's over!), but you have got to do what you'e got to do to protect yourself and therefore protect S. He does have a way of popping in and out of your life when it's convinient for him and that's just not healthy for you or S. It's seems like the direction you're going works b/c it gets you in the process of getting some resolution with H and moving on with your life (which needs to happen if H isn't truely willing to work on the M), but it potentially has the benefit of knocking a sense of reality into him. He keeps saying I've done nothing wrong, I can have OW and you, and you're the cause of all the problems, and unless grows up or is at least is willing to hop on the road to recovery with you and try to save this M, the reality is a D! I just really hope your H does follow thru on seeing a counselor. As I mentioned before, although my H has a long way to go, one thing the therapist did help him work thru was his feelings of blame and resentment towards me.

I can imagine how tough the custody arrangement was to write but you did it! On a side note, would you be willing to post it here (with anything personal related taken out of course). Given H's desire for the bachelor party life, I really need to seriously think about this too. (If it's all just too personal or just tough to post, I completely understand. Since you're in such a similar situation, I was just trying to figure out a fair arrangement as well).

Well, I hope tonight goes well. Is H still planning on joining you for pizza and signing the custody arrangement then?