I find it ironic that a cheater would find exposure to be humiliating. [/quote]
This particular tactic works with a lot of destructive behaviour
Bullies tend to back off when even BIGGER bullies push them around and humiliate them in public
People that play practical jokes also can tone it down after the tables are turned.
The charm of exposure is it turns the tables :
1. During the initial stage of an affair when it is secret, the lovers are in a very tight group - just the two of them - they talk and share info that the rest of the world isn't privy to... often each other's spouses
2. Later once the affair is exposed (either by the AS or through office gossip) suddenly its the lovers are on the out of the loop, everyone ELSE is talking about THEM instead.. Everyone ELSE is privy to secrets that the two lovers aren't included into.
There is a middle phase where No one knows who knows what and everyone is wondering who knows exactly what and such.. but eventually it progresses to the lovers feeling gossiped about and embarassed.. eventually angry...
But the good news is, it puts a dent in the fantasy of the affair. The more reality brought to bear on an affair the quicker it gets put to its demise.
I guess there is an irony in the swap of who is "in the know"... and who is "in the outs" of the secret being passed around
To the lovers at first its "we are in love - what an exciting secret"
But it eventually turns into "we were cheating - everyone knows, what a frustrating embarassment..."
It is dangerous to involve too many people in your marital relationship. My father always said, "Don't take sides with friends who are having marital problems. They will get back together and get all lovey-dovey, and you are out in the cold as the person who said bad things about the spouse. Your reward is that they'll both hate you."
It makes it hard to reconcile when you have involved family, friends and the boss in the dirty laundry of your home life.
This is also the line of reasoning that enables affairs to continue longer than they should. Rather than speaking up about how destructive infidelity is and bearing down on it people bury their heads in the sand... THAT to me is a shame.
Speaking out against infidelity is not "taking sides"... infidelity is clearly counterproductive. Simply telling a person "You two are having probelms, but having an affair makes things a LOT WORSE.. if you want your marriage problems resolved one way or another, STOP CHEATING and address them with a professional"
This is NOT taking sides, other than taking the side of the marriage over taking the side of the affair.
Much like reporting a crime, you arent' taking sides on reporting someone breaknig into a home, you are protecting a home and putting an end (hopefully) to counterproductive behaviour.
It is dangerous to involve too many people in your marital relationship. My father always said, "Don't take sides with friends who are having marital problems. They will get back together and get all lovey-dovey, and you are out in the cold as the person who said bad things about the spouse. Your reward is that they'll both hate you."
It makes it hard to reconcile when you have involved family, friends and the boss in the dirty laundry of your home life.
And again this line of reasoning is contrary to MWD's Geurilla Divorce Busting Video... MWD is a strong advocate in getting involved in other peoples marriage troubles.. she reccomends it strongly in a 45 min talk on video available at youtube.
MWD does NOT reccomend minding ones own business when someone's marriage is in trouble.
To her mind marriages are community pillars and should be protected by everyone in the community, not left to stave to death for lack of support.
I find irony in the fact that, when exposed, the infidel often gets all righteous, as in "How could you do this to me-e-e-e???!!" Not bothering to think, "How could I do this to LBS?"
Or...like, OMG, maybe I am having a "Reality Bites" moment and can't define "irony."
Next time, I'll simply use the word, "interesting" or possibly, "hypocritical."
I like hypocritical, much richer descriptive in this case.
This is very often the response though.. shock, outrage, and defensiveness...
The key driver is that a fantasy has been trounced on... No one likes their dreams being spoiled... even if they are hurtful.
It's just double standards really, i brought that up in my home when WS complained about her privacy being violated... I had our network monitored for ip addresses and system port usage... she complained her privacy was being violated... I quickly countered with "and the private details of our marriage are being shared with this man you are having sex with... MY privacy is being violated and you don't seem to give a damn about that..."
I got no response... as I expected.
Criminals steal and cheat each other all the time, they STILL complain about it... many people walk about with a double-standard value system...
Its ok for me to do what I want, but everyone else has to follow the rules... the rules I want them to follow... so to speak
Maybe, but exposing at work can be a hollow victory, much like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. If your goal is reconciliation, you might not want to burn your bridges in a nice, satisfying exposure. However, if your end goal is to hurt the spouse and call it even, go ahead. As they say, "revenge is a dish best eaten cold".
Maybe, but exposing at work can be a hollow victory, much like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. If your goal is reconciliation, you might not want to burn your bridges in a nice, satisfying exposure. However, if your end goal is to hurt the spouse and call it even, go ahead. As they say, "revenge is a dish best eaten cold".
I have said dozens of times now that I do not recommend exposure unless the end result is to end the affair.
I have never advocated exposure as an instrument of revenge... I don't know any expert on infidelity that does.
Who said exposure is satisfying? Most LBS' dont' LIKE exposing because they have to embarass themselves in doing so... which is why I don't reccomend exposing to anyone unless you expect to get support for your marriage from them.
The few exceptions are for OPS. IF the third party in an affair is married I highly reccomend exposure to them, even if you dont' get a supportive response. this WILL often upset the affair and force it into the open...
I always reccomend asking the question "what kind of support will I get exposing to this person" BEFORE exposing..
Humiliating the OP or third party is a separate matter.. that is opening up their behaviour to public scruitiny and in some cases this can apply pressure to the affair.. people don't like being the subject of gossip.
I have no idea where you get the idea exposure is about revenge... I don't recall anyone suggesting this...
In some cases I've seen, exposure at work was a case of revenge. Kind of like the need to punish the other person.
Personally, I think exposure should be done only to the immediate family involved like the OP's spouse. When it's done at work, you can jeopardize your spouse's career. And that goes far beyond the relationship.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
