Hello everyone. On Valentine's Day the bottom fell out of my marriage with my wife of 7 years. We both had problems over the years with intimacy and expressing our needs to each other. We have always been great companions. We tried to get pregnant for 2 years and after 7 IVF cycles we were blessed with twin boys in 2008. The past two years have been somewhat overwhelming and stressful as we try to raise our boys. My wife and I had drifted apart emotionally over the years, but my feelings for her have never changed. On Valentine's Day she came out and said she "can't do it anymore," and "she doesn't love me anymore" and asked "Why do you love me?" I knew we had issues with communication but never thought it would come to this. She bottles all of her emotions up, and I am good at ignoring my feelings. We basically avoided the issues in favor of dealing with kids and life. On one other occasion about a week or two later she said "She doesn't think her feelings will change" and she had mentioned that she thought we should start thinking about separating. She has been seeing a therapist since January and I started seeing her therapist separately on Feb. 15 (I have since switched to my own therapist). Her therapist told me how "shut down" my wife is and she has a hopeless feeling about our marriage. Personally, I feel she is also in a state of depression. The one time I tried to talk to her about it all the negative feelings came out again. So we have co-existed with our kids without addressing the issues. My W is very stubborn and she does not offer up her feelings easily. I have looked for any sign of hope in her behavior. The Pros: We are both caring parents, so when our kids are awake and with us we are very communicative and interactive with each other (while respecting personal space). Someone on the outside probably wouldn't notice any issues. She hasn't up and left; She hasn't forced the issue about separating; We do eat dinner together; she still does my laundry; I feel she still cares to some degree; She is never outwardly mean; we still look at each other and laugh when the kids do something funny. The Cons: She is emotionally closed. She doesn't say goodbye to me in the morning, tho she usually says "Hi" when I get home. I offered to sleep in another room; After we eat dinner, she "checks out" and goes upstairs and doesn't make herself available to me. She clutches her feelings with both hands and is very hard to crack. I have been putting myself through a major transformation via my mind, body and spirit. I am doing everyting I can to show her how much I am willing to change for the better. I never come home other than happy and supportive. I clean, I pick up, and I offer to help out in any way. She accepts my support or says nothing, probably because she feels like I am only doing it to win her back. My therapy has been very helpful and I feel like I am changing for the better, but it's so hard to deal with the 800 elephant in the room everytime we are together. We take our kids to the park and we try to do things as a family for them. I just don't know what else I can do to try and soften her guard and find a way in. The fact that we are still living together gives me a glimmer of hope, or I sometimes feel like she's giving me the silent treatment until I crack and give up. I hope her therapist makes her look at things from a differnt perspective. I will NOT leave my kids and would never grant her a divorce. She is just so unwilling to try anything at this point, and I feel like I am trying to earn her trust all over again. I love my wife and my kids more than anything, and I will stand by her no matter what. I don't drink, do drugs, I don't cheat and I have never been abusive in any way. We just failed to communicate our needs over time. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I never have to say I am sorry again. Is anyone else in the same position? Living with a "closed down" spouse? I know 4 weeks is not that long, since it took years for her to get into this hole, but I am starving emotionally and all I want to do is grab her and hug her and tell her I will make her that happiest person for the rest of my life.
Same boat different river here. The best advice I can give to you now is to read and read and read through these forums and find bits and pieces that relate to your situation and how to apply them. Listen carefully when certain "vets" around here give advice, "coach,puppy,sandi2 just to name a few" Humans are very complicated creatures and I firmly believe there is no single "cure all" answer. It is up to you to put the puzzle together on how it fits your life and go from there. I better stop posting now as the meds are starting to kick in and I may start preaching!
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
No way there is an affair. My wife is with our kids 24-7. Part of the problem is that she's all kids all the time and doesn't make time for herself....
trust me....that is the same EXACT answer i had up until 3 days ago. you would be amazed, hopefully you are right, but a little snooping might be necessary.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Engage. Yeah, change for yourself and all that. But realize that part of changing is engaging with the people you love.
Kids and jobs suck up time and it's all too easy to put your real life on the back burner. You just don't sound like you're plugged into the emotional world of your M.
Find a babysitter and go out, just to get out. I wouldn't suggest a romantic getaway right now but a movie now and again might help. Don't pursue, show you're interested. Do it now before you're truly on the outside looking in.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Gman, I really appreciate the concern, but I am 100% confident that there is nothing going on. She has a baby nurse with her while I am at work, and she is always doing things for the kids or the house or visiting her sister. She doesn't have a large network of friends that she remains connected to. She is a pretty solitary person.
TooLate: I completely wish we were at that point, but I think right now she is demanding her own space without me in it. We talk about the day's events, some current events and what is going on with our families. We talk, we just aren't talking about our issues to each other but instead to our individual therapists. She knows how I feel. She knows I am there for her. She doesn't seem ready to give me an opening at this point, but I would love to suggest going out to a movie or something but I don't think she would agree to it just yet. We have some family events coming up in the next few weeks that will be pretty telling -- such as cousin's 2nd birthday and my niece's 1st birthday. It will allow us to talk and make plans to be with family. I will go where my kids go whether she wants me there or not.
My wife and I had a relatively pleasant morning yesterday and she even said, "Have a nice day" when I left. She texted me later to tell me that she ordered a jungle gym for our boys and it would be delivered next week. When I got home she was pretty excited to show me the catalog and explain what she ordered. In the midst of telling me how the gym can be expanded as the boys grow, she said something like, "As they get older WE can add...I can add new pieces." In other words she caught herself saying "we" instead of "I". My therapist believes that was a positive sign that she might be softening just a little bit. In her enthusiasm she spoke in terms that were inclusive, then heard herself and flipped it. I wasn't sure how to take it, tho I didn't take it too well. But my therapist told me to stop beating myself up over every little thing and look at it as my wife letting slip the fact that she is conflicted and is at least thinking about it.
