Are you getting good marital advice?

[Hope4us]

Yes, those were the things that I took as a good warning not to expose at work. I think you made a very good choice to stop exposing as it was counter-productive in your case. I cannot imagine how humiliating it would be if someone were to challenge me about my personal life at work. That is very dangerous ground. The only time I could see it being appropriate is if the affair involved co-workers and trysts occurred at the workplace. And I realize that is often the scenario.

Not exposing at work is a very personal decision. I never did. My W and OM were coworkers. But OM moved about 200 miles away to a different location for our company and to expose at work after he was already gone didn't make sense to me. There was a point that I considered getting a hold of some people I know that are quite high up in our company to let them know that OM was a scum and shouldn't have his contract renewed when it expired, but when W went NC, I didn't see the need. I'm glad I didn't have to because W has worked for our company for over 30 years and has a nice retirement and 401k going on.

But because one doesn't expose at work, don't think that most people don't know. My W's bosses boss warned her to not be spending so much time with the "contractors" as it was obvious what was going on. Since that time, I've had a couple of people who know me and also know people at W's work tell those friends of mine that there were quite a few people who knew what was going on. I also remember a couple of times prior to me discovering the A that W would tell me random people would show up at her office "just to see who she is". These people had no reason to need to know who she is other than they were people who OM worked with regularily in their plant. The only logical thing I can think of is OM would tell his "bud's" that he was doin some hottie and they had to check it out.

Also, I currently have an opening in my office for a Supervisor. Two people from W's work location have applied (we work for different divisions of the same company) and yesterday I was having lunch with a couple of my peers in her division and they said they'd heard a couple people applied for the job I have open. I told them yes, and told them who and they warned me away from them because they both have "baggage". That baggage? Work place affairs.

I have never said a word to my W about people knowing about her A. She feels guilty enough as it is and I don't want her to feel more guilt/shame every day she goes to work, but if someone having a work place A thinks that people don't know, they're sadly mistaken. That kind of thing gets out.

It's just another example of the damage A's do, even if people think they're being discrete. My W could have lost her job due to a flagging performance cause she was spending so much time with OM and these other two people are now not going to be considered for a promotion to a nice job because of "baggage".