Are you getting good marital advice?

[hoosiermama]

Wait a minute- was Hoosier's ex a serial cheater and NPD if memory serves me? I think expose wouldn't work with NPD, am I correct?

yes, I'm afraid you're correct. serial cheater (altho I found out about others after he left, didn't know at the time--they were brief), and definitely NPD. And what I thought was midlife crisis was simply an exit affair and xH taking the brakes off his already profoundly selfish persona.

that was all well before I found the boards, btw. flying by the seat of my pants in the beginning.

[chatterbug]

Allen if you come back here one more time I am going to wack ya with a 2x4.... Go take a break and then do what you do elsewhere. As you have said a few times. Time is short. And giving good advice takes time. So listen to your own advice...

Have a good day my friends. Get back to helping people and offering some good old fashioned unconditional love. Its awesome!

[Allen A]

Yup, i am avoiding the drama here... every insult thrown I am tempted to pick up a pile of mud but I just put it down and hit Cancel instead thank god..

I have typed out a lot of choice commentary to respond to the insults that I am nto proud of, but I am proud that I had the maturity to resist sending any of it. lol

I just come back here now and then for a chuckle or two

[Allen A]

And thank you for the 2 x 4... I need it

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"Move along, Douglas."

-- Leland McKenzie, on "L.A. Law"

[hoosiermama]

Perhaps you haven't noticed Allen, but you are the only one talking about it. Do you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder?

Personally, I think it is a lot more worthy of notice that Hoosier shared her story with us, which was an example of exposure to friends that failed to help her situation and a stern warning against exposure at the workplace.

no, I didn't do anything toward exposure at the workplace; xH threatened to take the house, ruin me financially and fight for full custody if I did that. And at the time (less than a week into this and having simultaneously found out my job was ending) he scared me enough that I just completely quit.

I think I'd still have exposed to friends if I had it to do again, but not to his family--especially considering it's an enmeshed Italian family. and I'd have chosen the friends more wisely, altho I thought I was choosing wisely at the time. I still find it amazing that in spite of proof in front of their eyes, that they chose to believe whatever xH told them and found greater fault in my reading his email than his adultery. And considering that one of those friends was his pastor, I don't think I could have predicted that response.

[Lotus]

Yes, those were the things that I took as a good warning not to expose at work. I think you made a very good choice to stop exposing as it was counter-productive in your case. I cannot imagine how humiliating it would be if someone were to challenge me about my personal life at work. That is very dangerous ground. The only time I could see it being appropriate is if the affair involved co-workers and trysts occurred at the workplace. And I realize that is often the scenario.

[Allen A]

Yes, those were the things that I took as a good warning not to expose at work. I think you made a very good choice to stop exposing as it was counter-productive in your case. I cannot imagine how humiliating it would be if someone were to challenge me about my personal life at work. That is very dangerous ground. The only time I could see it being appropriate is if the affair involved co-workers and trysts occurred at the workplace. And I realize that is often the scenario.

Holy Moley! lol

[hoosiermama]

Yes, those were the things that I took as a good warning not to expose at work. I think you made a very good choice to stop exposing as it was counter-productive in your case. I cannot imagine how humiliating it would be if someone were to challenge me about my personal life at work. That is very dangerous ground. The only time I could see it being appropriate is if the affair involved co-workers and trysts occurred at the workplace. And I realize that is often the scenario.

...and they did. another nurse walked in on them in the NICU chapel. not sure exactly what they were doing, but it caused the other nurse to turn and run out. and a (married) chaplain and a nurse are co-workers, even if they don't technically work in the same dept. btw--xH reports directly to the hospital's VP of Ethics and Social Concerns. There's some irony for you.

[Hope4us]

Yes, those were the things that I took as a good warning not to expose at work. I think you made a very good choice to stop exposing as it was counter-productive in your case. I cannot imagine how humiliating it would be if someone were to challenge me about my personal life at work. That is very dangerous ground. The only time I could see it being appropriate is if the affair involved co-workers and trysts occurred at the workplace. And I realize that is often the scenario.

Not exposing at work is a very personal decision. I never did. My W and OM were coworkers. But OM moved about 200 miles away to a different location for our company and to expose at work after he was already gone didn't make sense to me. There was a point that I considered getting a hold of some people I know that are quite high up in our company to let them know that OM was a scum and shouldn't have his contract renewed when it expired, but when W went NC, I didn't see the need. I'm glad I didn't have to because W has worked for our company for over 30 years and has a nice retirement and 401k going on.

But because one doesn't expose at work, don't think that most people don't know. My W's bosses boss warned her to not be spending so much time with the "contractors" as it was obvious what was going on. Since that time, I've had a couple of people who know me and also know people at W's work tell those friends of mine that there were quite a few people who knew what was going on. I also remember a couple of times prior to me discovering the A that W would tell me random people would show up at her office "just to see who she is". These people had no reason to need to know who she is other than they were people who OM worked with regularily in their plant. The only logical thing I can think of is OM would tell his "bud's" that he was doin some hottie and they had to check it out.

Also, I currently have an opening in my office for a Supervisor. Two people from W's work location have applied (we work for different divisions of the same company) and yesterday I was having lunch with a couple of my peers in her division and they said they'd heard a couple people applied for the job I have open. I told them yes, and told them who and they warned me away from them because they both have "baggage". That baggage? Work place affairs.

I have never said a word to my W about people knowing about her A. She feels guilty enough as it is and I don't want her to feel more guilt/shame every day she goes to work, but if someone having a work place A thinks that people don't know, they're sadly mistaken. That kind of thing gets out.

It's just another example of the damage A's do, even if people think they're being discrete. My W could have lost her job due to a flagging performance cause she was spending so much time with OM and these other two people are now not going to be considered for a promotion to a nice job because of "baggage".