WAW in PA-I Moved Out in Error & D has been Filed

[Quart9]

Time is a great healer and I know I will forgive her someday. I don't want to be bitter because I want to meet someone else eventually. Being bitter would prevent that.

It may be difficult to get spousal support and I may not get it. I have to try though. I think the ease in which it is awarded depends on the state. Here in CA they award it but, for example, in TX it does not exist. My lawyer didn't make it seem like it would be that tough and I have talked to a couple of other inside sources that didn't make it sound that tough either. It comes down to what the judge/court decides so I will have to wait to see how it pans out.

She's already told me she resents my school and how tough it is (and how it pulled me away). I'm sure she will resent me if I push for the spousal support. Yes, I'm sure she will continue to believe I'm a selfish person but at this point I have to look out for myself. I don't really want her to resent me. I didn't want any of this, but I think she is pretty selfish too.

What else could she do to me? That concerns me. I've only experienced my parent's divorces and it seemed there wasn't much more damage post D.

[Quart9]

Sometimes this all just seems like a bad dream. I'm looking forward to what my life will be like 6 months to 1 year from now. It will be better by then I'm sure.

[Quart9]

I'm having trouble aligning time when my friend and W are both available for me to go get the rest of my stuff out of our/her apt. I want my friend there as a witness. He is letting me put some of my stuff in his storage unit and we are going to split the cost.

I wish I could go over and get my stuff without W there. I can tell she is setting up time for me to come over there so that it does not interfere with the days she plans to spend w/ OM.

The sooner I can get my stuff out the sooner I can have her served. I have been doing my best to divert my mind when I begin to think of her w/ OM. It's tough and the jealousy sneaks in sometimes.

[Quart9]

Journaling:

The "what if's and should've/could've/would have's" I have too many to list here and they plague my thoughts.

What if my W had not gone on that cruise? Why did I trust her so much and not raise hell about her going without me? What if she had not met OM on there? Would we still be together? What if I had shifted my focus and been more attentive to her before she left? Would she have been less likely to have talked to OM?

She said that after the interaction between her and OM on the cruise she was upset. She told me she confided in her friends and they told her, "you need to evaluate your R and your H. Decide if you want to still be M. How could you have feelings for someone else if you still love your H." How could her feelings develop that quickly for someone else is what I wanna know?

She rejected me almost immediately after she got back but what if I had pushed for more interaction with her. The day she got back from the cruise she went to her friend's house and hungout instead of coming home. They got back early but she did not contact me until that afternoon. She didn't come home until that evening and two days later SHE made the intial call to OM.

What if I had not gone to visit my family during Christmas break like she pushed me to and like my family pushed me to? I should have stayed home and around her. More importantly - what if I had not moved out? I didn't want to and even suggested moving into the other room but she wasn't having it. I should have been more agressive and taken a stand but like a pansey I followed her wishes in hopes of it somehow saving our marriage.

My mistakes seem endless. I can see where she met OM and learned he was S from his W and she said, "hey that's a good idea, I'll do that too so we can be together-xoxoxo!" She had always seemed loyal to me and it makes me sick to see how that loyalty has shifted to OM.

It's amazing how much of her actions follow the WAW/MLC and I wish I would have been more educated about these before. Maybe I could have prevented all of this from going this far down the tube.

It's funny because in an e-mail they sent to each other they talk about how the "stars aligned" for them to meet- and that is no sh!t. Circumstances seemed perfect for their meeting. It seems like the cards were stacked against her and I and this sitch fit in the empty space perfectly. I get so angry when I think about her covering up communicating with him and everything she has done to mask their interactions.

I am puzzled by her abilty to brush off the past nine years of her life with me. It seems like it would be too much to discard in such a short amount of time. Will she ever look back and see it as a mistake? People tell me that their fairy tale will end and the perfect thing they have going will fail. Will it really?

I question if I have jumped the gun by filing on her. She told me, however, that if she wasn't "seeing someone" things would be no different between she and I. It feels like I should believe that. Her actions show it, but maybe I should have been more patient. When I see a picture of her now that feeling that I used to have of love/cherish for her has turned into a feeling of disgust. I never imagined having that feeling towards her.

I have to look out for myself now. I have to move forward with my life. I have to continue to work on me and make me better.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Quart,

So you should've been MORE patient, and you also should've been MORE AGGRESSIVE?

Look, you're beating yourself up. The fact is, she's a grown woman, and she is going to do what she is going to do. Yes, we can always improve ourselves, and it is healthy for us to "own up" to those legitimate marital gripes that may have led to the CLIMATE for such a thing to blossom.

But the thing itself? Her decision to have an affair? Unh-uh -- that one's on her, and her alone!

I may have disagreed with your way of fighting, but at least you were fighting, buddy. By definition, those that come on these forums are doing the honorable thing, and FIGHTING for their marriages.

I tip my hat to you.

Puppy

[robx]

I'm having trouble aligning time when my friend and W are both available for me to go get the rest of my stuff out of our/her apt. I want my friend there as a witness. He is letting me put some of my stuff in his storage unit and we are going to split the cost.

I wish I could go over and get my stuff without W there. I can tell she is setting up time for me to come over there so that it does not interfere with the days she plans to spend w/ OM.

The sooner I can get my stuff out the sooner I can have her served. I have been doing my best to divert my mind when I begin to think of her w/ OM. It's tough and the jealousy sneaks in sometimes.

I'm not sure I understand,
wasn't the apartment originally both of yours or is her name the only one on the lease? If it's under both your names, you don't have to wait, you have as much right as her to go into that apartment and get your stuff or live there as far as I'm concerned.

You're too conservative here, you're afraid that every action you take will disqualify you from spousal support, etc.

Just do it.
If you have to, just let her know when you're going there to get your stuff, what do you need a witness for? Are you expecting a fight? It's your place for crying out loud!

[Cautious]

Quart, don't let the what-if's take you down. The whole thing comes down to unfair comparison, and it's more unfair to yourself to dwell on it. The more you live in your past, the less you can focus on your present and what you need to do for you now. Don't get me wrong, there's a time and place for thinking about it, but your journaling looks like a pit of despair that makes me sad that your journey went that far. You deserve to feel good.

Happy St. Patty's Day, and keep your chin up.

[Quart9]

Thank you Puppy - that's cool of you to say. I appreciate all of the advice you have ever given me. You do your best to help people here and you are a great resource. I feel like I fought for her and our M. I can see now that her decision was made before I knew the battle had even started.

Rob she has changed the locks (without my consent of course). I can go the route of getting a locksmith there to let me in or I could go to the property mngmnt office and ask for them to loan me a key. And your right I am too conservative about this - maybe about the whole sitch. My L suggested that I take a friend there with me. I would prefer that she not even be there when I get my crap out. I don't even want to see her. I'm gonna figure this out.

Cautious - I'm really working on no longer dwelling on this and not living in the past. It is taking time for me to get over it. I can see where it makes me unattractive and pathetic looking. I could feel that last night when I went out. That pit of dispair you speak of is this incompleteness that I feel. I feel like my right arm is missing.

[Quart9]

Ahhh! It's tough to move past this when stupid sh!t pops up that involves us both like the IRS and filing taxes. I'm needing to file taxes separately from her so that my financial aid is not affected by her income. The tax person tells me that if we file separately she will have to pay $,$$$'s but if we file jointly we get back $,$$$'s. W calls me and says, "I'll give you the whole refund if we can file jointly so I don't have to pay."

She is off for the next few days and I could hear her driving. I told her I need to discuss this with my financial aid contact at my school, and I asked her if she would be available for me to call her back. She's like, "well I'm going to ah, I'm gonna be ah, call me but I may not be available..." I could tell she was trying to make up something because she is going on one of her 2-3 day shack ups with OM. I'm like, "look I don't give a sh!t where you are going, just answer your phone when I call." She started stuttering and I just told her bye and hung up.

This is what pisses me off. Having to deal with her and knowing she will be with OM. Her being there with him laughing it up and screwing him. Fu@#!!! It makes me want to scream and break my laptop in half.

[Quart9]

Detach! Detach! Detach!!!