feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

I know sometimes I may sound like a victim and I catch myself doing that but I am not nor do I want to be perceived that way. Yes, when I contemplate filing I do think "I don't want to be married to a cheater" so I am not being a victim here.

Most of my fears of H leaving are financial. I've been without an outside job for 20 yrs and I don't want to lose my home.

I do admit I have had a defeated attitude. You are right and it has bothered me immensely. I want to know I did all I could and came out on top a better person. I am working on that...and a more positive demeanor no matter what happens.

I only want this marriage if H wants it. I don't want to be the one to do all the work. I don't mind changing for a better me but I want to see some effort from him...even a little. I don't see any.

Thank you Talia for calling on me on my sh*t. I'm tired of feeling defeated so maybe it's time I stop huh?

[flowmom]

Personally, I want to follow the guideline in DR: give the changes X months to work (X=number of years of marriage). In my case that's 15 months (including years of living together which I think count in terms of baggage accumulating).

Although our sitches are different, I'm on the same timeline as you post-bomb. It's totally clear to me that in my sitch not enough time has passed for 1. me to truly GAL and project the confidence from that 2. for my 180s (which I have been successful at) to be believable as long-term changes 3. for H to truly recognize the losses that will come with D.

I know that I've challenged you in your thread, but I want you to know that my intention truly is supportive. And I understand if you don't want to be married to your H. I don't feel that you have a responsibility to try to bust your own D...far from it. I just hope that you really know what you want.

[Gnosis]

Luv,

I know you better than most of the people on the board. I've gone dark on you because you refuse to do anything for yourself.

I know sometimes I may sound like a victim

Sometimes?

and I catch myself doing that but I am not nor do I want to be perceived that way.

You are perceived that way.

Yes, when I contemplate filing I do think "I don't want to be married to a cheater" so I am not being a victim here.

And 10 minutes later you change your mind.

Most of my fears of H leaving are financial. I've been without an outside job for 20 yrs and I don't want to lose my home.

I get that. This is why I told you months ago to get your ducks in a row. Find out exactly what you are facing in the event of a D. Get a L and know your rights.... Results: You're still looking.

I do admit I have had a defeated attitude.

NO KIDDING!

I only want this marriage if H wants it. I don't want to be the one to do all the work.

Then your chances are pretty good that you can kiss your M goodbye.

I don't mind changing for a better me but I want to see some effort from him...even a little.

Yet you choose to keep your eyes shut.

I don't see any.

Because your resentment and expectations have blinded you.

Thank you Talia for calling on me on my sh*t. I'm tired of feeling defeated so maybe it's time I stop huh?

I've grown weary of doing what Talia did.


This all boils down to one thing Luv: WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
Seriously. Only when you can answer that question will you truly be able to follow through with the next question:
ARE YOU WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET WHAT YOU WANT?

Luv, you're a woman in turmoil. I get that. As long as you're in this turmoil or LBS fog you're dead in the water. One minute you want this M... the next you don't. You're flip-flopping all over the show. Not only is this confusing your H but it is driving him further away from you.

There is NO CONSISTENCY in you. Now I can hear you screaming, "That's just not true!!!!" I call BS on that one and here is why: Your actions cannot be consistent because there is NO CONSISTENCY in your thoughts. Your thoughts drive your emotions which then drive your actions - whether it is consciously or sub-consciously.

Because your thoughts alternate faster than the electrical current in the wall there is NO WAY you can see clearly. You have lost more opportunities than I can count over the last four months because you cannot SEE them due to your volatile thoughts.

Until you can ground yourself and decide there is not much I can do. I pray that you make your decision because it is torture to read your thread.

Luv, I'm calling you out on all the above because I care for you and not to beat you up. Open your eyes. Drop the resentment. Release the hurt. Look past all that and find what it is you want to do. Make that decision and STICK TO IT.

[luvless]

understood...

[talia]

Luv,

I know you better than most of the people on the board. I've gone dark on you because you refuse to do anything for yourself.

I know sometimes I may sound like a victim

Sometimes?

and I catch myself doing that but I am not nor do I want to be perceived that way.

You are perceived that way.

Yes, when I contemplate filing I do think "I don't want to be married to a cheater" so I am not being a victim here.

And 10 minutes later you change your mind.

Most of my fears of H leaving are financial. I've been without an outside job for 20 yrs and I don't want to lose my home.

I get that. This is why I told you months ago to get your ducks in a row. Find out exactly what you are facing in the event of a D. Get a L and know your rights.... Results: You're still looking.

I do admit I have had a defeated attitude.

NO KIDDING!

I only want this marriage if H wants it. I don't want to be the one to do all the work.

Then your chances are pretty good that you can kiss your M goodbye.

I don't mind changing for a better me but I want to see some effort from him...even a little.

Yet you choose to keep your eyes shut.

I don't see any.

Because your resentment and expectations have blinded you.

Thank you Talia for calling on me on my sh*t. I'm tired of feeling defeated so maybe it's time I stop huh?

I've grown weary of doing what Talia did.


This all boils down to one thing Luv: WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
Seriously. Only when you can answer that question will you truly be able to follow through with the next question:
ARE YOU WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET WHAT YOU WANT?

Luv, you're a woman in turmoil. I get that. As long as you're in this turmoil or LBS fog you're dead in the water. One minute you want this M... the next you don't. You're flip-flopping all over the show. Not only is this confusing your H but it is driving him further away from you.

There is NO CONSISTENCY in you. Now I can hear you screaming, "That's just not true!!!!" I call BS on that one and here is why: Your actions cannot be consistent because there is NO CONSISTENCY in your thoughts. Your thoughts drive your emotions which then drive your actions - whether it is consciously or sub-consciously.

Because your thoughts alternate faster than the electrical current in the wall there is NO WAY you can see clearly. You have lost more opportunities than I can count over the last four months because you cannot SEE them due to your volatile thoughts.

Until you can ground yourself and decide there is not much I can do. I pray that you make your decision because it is torture to read your thread.

Luv, I'm calling you out on all the above because I care for you and not to beat you up. Open your eyes. Drop the resentment. Release the hurt. Look past all that and find what it is you want to do. Make that decision and STICK TO IT.

I AGREE with the sexy bald man!!!

[ImprovedRomeo]

luv, I understand where you're coming from. I was afraid, unable to detach, concerned about stuff when the last time my STBX left.

Gnosis, was brutally honest but made some good/needed points in regard to your concerns and issues. Just make up your mind and stick with your decisions. You have a great support network here in your DB friends who can help you stay on track or answer any questions or provide moral support.

[luvless]

Thanks Smart Romeo....

[Gnosis]

How are you today Luv?

[luvless]

I was doing ok this morning then when my H says to me when I called him, "what do you want Luv?" I got pissed and still am.

ugh

[kara]

luv,

You have got to get to a better place mentally, sweetie.Why would a little thing like his response upset you for a entire day? Shake it off!!! Did you stew all day ? What did you do to get in a PMA after that? Pray? Exercise? Listen to music? Go shopping? How are you loving Luv at a fundamental level so that you can nourish yourself and not be thrown off your balance?