Met the most intelligent, wonderful, caring, selfless woman 3 years ago and got together. We lived apart for around a year, got engaged 13 months before marriage and lived together for about 7 months before getting married. Then 6 months on she said it was over. "there's no future in our marriage, you don't listen to me, don't value and respect me." I thought I had it all. Wonderful wife, nice house, both had good jobs, we were picking names for children and her father trying to buy us a farmhouse to raise them in with some bequest money. She desperately wanted kids. It was her who bugged me to marry her. I believe that she meant her wedding vows, and everyone was completely shocked when they found out it was over. They all felt we were completely rock solid.
On the inside of the relationship we'd been having some problems. She's a clean freak, and I'm a bit untidy. She started saying "the housework is making me ill" and complaining that I didn't do enough. We split up on the anniversary of her mum's death. The dog died unexpectedly. Her job became a nightmare after company takeover which decimated her collegaues and social life associated with them. She had suddenly to travel a lot more for work, was unable to spend as much time at the gym and felt fat, despite me never ever saying such a thing to her. She stopped talking to her best friend just before our wedding because the best friend was sleeping with a married man and trying to break up his marriage and my wife couldn't condone that as she was about to commit herself to me for life. I was struggling at work with the pressure piled on me and expectations of exams to gain necessary qualifications. I was worried about her. We talked about counselling but neither of us booked it.
I thought it was just a blip and we'd sort it out, but she asked me to move out and just kept saying there was no future in it. I moved out when she asked (it was her house initially before we met - I have own property elsewhere), I did everything she asked. I apologised for not listening to her, booked counselling for myself and us as a couple, but she refused to attend. I went anyway, 3 times. Even on the basis of it helping me to get over it she refused. She's so adamant it's over. I always thought her determination and stubbornness would keep us together, not keep us apart. I admitted I had been complacent about our marriage. I promised to improve myself. She refused to even consider any thought of reconciliation. She said she got married to me because she felt things "could still be fixed" at that time. I talked to her family, her friends won't speak to me. She won't speak to her surrogate mother figure who is definitely wanting to help sort out this mess. I haven't had an affair, don't do drugs, am not an alcoholic. I didn't communicate as well as I could and I took her a little for granted, but that is all I can think of despite 2 months of soul searching. I bought her flowers, took her out on dates and did some of the housework during our time together. In the last 3 weeks before we split up I did ALL the housework. Since, she just says that proves how little I bothered to do beforehand.
It's been 2 months now since I moved out. I've moved house twice, started a new job, we've had the necessary polite conversation and there's nothing left of mine at hers now. She went to the solicitor last week and tells me the separation order is on the way. She sometimes says that she wants to be friends.
I found out last week that she's sleeping with one of my colleagues and considered a close friend who had been comforting us both for the first 2 weeks after the break up. It explains why the aforementioned friend stopped speaking to me at that time. I'm devastated. I don't know if it was going on before this - on confronting them both, they deny that it was even considered before it happened, definitely not occurring prior to end of my marriage. However, I know the history of this third person - manipulative, wrecked marriages before, intelligent and usually gets her own way. I know she coveted what I had in my marriage as she would say so. They are booking holidays, going to all the places I was going to go with my wife. I still have to work with them.
At the moment I haven't initiated any contact for a few weeks. She has been contacting me to ask me how I am. A couple of days ago she repeatedly phoned me and phoned me and eventually I answered and she asked me if I would help fix her computer. I told her to ask her new lover to do that (who has no idea about computers) and then asked her to not contact me again unless it was to speak about our marriage. I remained cool, calm and collected throughout. She put the phone down on me after the last sentence.
I don't know what to do. I feel like every moment is another moment my wife slips a little further out of my life. I dont know if I've burned my bridges by asking her not to contact me, but it hurts me so much every time she does speak to me. We've not physically met for over a month and she keeps asking to see me for things like exchange of items and the computer. I have no evidence of thoughts of reconciliation and no evidence that she is no longer seeing N, the third party. I love her. I believe completely in marriage for life. In forgiving her, attending counselling and rebuilding our marriage, but she doesn't seem interested. I do not want to be a divorcee that looks back on my fairytale wedding and honeymoon as a sad part of a life I have no longer. We don't have any kids as a reason to save the marriage. We're both young at 32 and could move on and still have all our dreams of kids and houses and families. But I want that with her.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
I am sorry that you are here... You will get good advice here though. It will really help when you get the book, and maybe you can consider calling one of the DB coaches. There are some veterans who will be commenting soon with some VERY good advice. I dont have much advice to offer, as I am in a very simliar situation except that its my H and I have no proof of an affair, but am positive there must have been one. He acts the same way, and gives zero hope of a reconciliation. Just starting reading thru peoples threads all you can... it really will give you alot of insight into the situation. Stay healthy and please dont let yourself get to the point I came to where I can hardly eat and even had to get on sleeping pills... take care of yourself first and foremost. It will make it all much easier to handle.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Should I wait until she contacts me again? Or should I apologise for asking her not to contact me? I know she asked me to fix computer as she knows I'd be able to do it. It did make me feel kind of good that she found a reason to need me. And I've obviously upset her a great deal by saying I didn't want to hear from her.
Am I on completely the wrong tack? Is no contact the right move, and does that mean just me not initiating any contact or does it mean ignoring her contact? Should I answer the phone? I don't think she'll phone me now I asked her not to, so that's kind of defeating the object anyway. I'm so confused with advice from so many people in so many different directions. I've read so much on the internet, plus a few conventional marriage counselling texts from Relate and they all seem to recommend different avenues. I'm very much one of life's doers. I like logical progression, I like to believe that if you put in effort you reap rewards. It's so damn hard to sit on my hands over all this. I need to feel like I'm doing at least something other than waiting for the expected separation papers to drop on the doormat at some point this week.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
I am in a similar situation, but I would look at her reaching out to you as a positive. She is at least keeping a connection alive with you, and you have to take advantage of that whenever possible. In my anger I too probably would have told her to sod off unless she wants to talk about the marriage, but again, she opened the door for you to help her. I would think about being her friend, and try to be an indespensible friend. It might stir some old feelings. Flings with other people rarely last. She may need a dependable shoulder to cry on one day. I would keep things as positive as you can considering the circumstances. Just my $0.02.
Well another day starting here. I had a lovely time yesterday, lunch out with friends in a city away from home and then a fun night of board games and beer. At least my appetite is back. The positives from this all so far are that I lost 2 stone in weight (I could do with losing another 1 as well!) and have reconnected with lots of old friends, and found that I have so many more colleagues that have become friends during this.
Still nothing from her. I'm fully expecting the separation papers to be on my doormat when I get home - and that will be another kick in the guts. But I have another friend arriving the same morning, so hopefully it will at least be a tempered kick in the guts.
I'm scared she'll never contact me ever again.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
At rock bottom again. Just found out she's booked �1000 worth of spa weekend with the OM. I can't believe it. It's almost like she's trying to wipe out our marriage by spending money willy nilly. SHe's just got probate from her Mum and no doubt feels this is the way to spend it rather than how she was going to previously - on babies.
I'm so gutted. I know I shouldn't have looked but I can't help it. She was never materialistic or spent this much money before except on our wedding.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
Spent the night tossing and turning. Half the time dreaming about her saying her vows to me, half of it dreaming about them together. The awake moments wanting to take a craft knife to my brachial artery. Life was never meant to hurt this much.
And my sodding car has broken irretrievably so yet another stress to deal with - have to go shopping again. They're off galavanting to expensive holidays and concerts, and I'm scraping together the funds to pay the rent.
Can't believe how much my WAW has changed. She used to be always found in soccer kit and scabby jogging bottoms, the least materialistic person I know. Now it seems she lives a life of Armani and Gucci, just like the new lover. I can't bear to watch it happening.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
