flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

been working on it H4L...bit by painful bit

[rockedworld]

((Flo))
The FB status thing... baffling and cruel. It is hard to comprehend sometimes the fog that creates such a disconnect with how something like that would make you feel.

You have support here.

[ImprovedRomeo]

FM, as other's here say it quite frequenty: our spouses are no longer the same people they used to be they are as-if the aliens abducted them and replaced their souls with some cruel bug-eyed-antenna-people's and sent them back to earth.

Don't let it bother you...let it roll off your back. Better yet, don't check his FB page. The best thing to do is shut them out of your life, don't be inquisitive about their whereabouts, what they're up to etc through friends or directly or via hacking email accounts (speaking from experience). I know it's hard and I too agree with what you wrote earlier about them knowing our core values and how we feel about marriages and parenthood. Right now don't worry about all that. You're a strong thoughtful person with great values and morals and no one can take that away from you.

[rr22]

I have the never even looked or thought about another since met H problem too. I'm not sure that it WILL go away actually. I don't know if it goes away for everyone. I have met women and men who, post-D, say they are "done" for life and are living that reality. And no, they don't necessarily have "issues." I think people should be realistic and that how great divorce is books and individual therapists give people the idea that they DEFINITELY will meet their LIFELOVE around the corner. No. Reality doesn't bear that out. You only have some percentage chance of that. What divorcing people need to be accepting is the 50/50 chance that they will be single and figure out how to be happy with that.

[rr22]

I'm sorry you're winding up a single mother. It's one of the (many) factors I've considered in my decision not to have children in my life. I looked at the odds and decided I didn't want kids enough even with the help of an H (and most of my friends' H's dont help that much and, when they do, resent it), much less with the statistically high odds of winding up a divorced Mom (a fate that happened to many of my friends' parents). All you can do is try to make sure you don't wind up bitter. That was the fate of many divorced and single moms of my friends'parents' generation. I don't think that will happen to you.

[flowmom]

I have the never even looked or thought about another since met H problem too. I'm not sure that it WILL go away actually. I don't know if it goes away for everyone. I have met women and men who, post-D, say they are "done" for life and are living that reality. And no, they don't necessarily have "issues." I think people should be realistic and that how great divorce is books and individual therapists give people the idea that they DEFINITELY will meet their LIFELOVE around the corner. No. Reality doesn't bear that out. You only have some percentage chance of that.

Thanks for writing that rr. It bothers me that people act like OF COURSE you'll have a fantastic love/sex life soon. What I know about myself is that I have a fiercely loyal heart.

[idontunderstand]

Hang in there, FM.

Easier said than done, I know. We have strength that we don't think we do. Did you think a couple of months ago you would still be functioning now and not some blubbering pile of goo? I know I didn't. I thought I would die. Sometimes, I still do, but we keep going. Love yourself and your kids!

I continue to draw strength from my faith, kids, and from reading this board. The occasional 2x4 keeps me on track as does knowing I'm not alone.

God bless!

[Kalni]

flo,
nobody knows you will find a good man if you divorce. But no one can tell you, you will not. What you are going to live by would be, your choice in the end.

You are borrowing troubles from the future. We all do that. Not wise at this point.
Stay strong
K

[flowmom]

You are borrowing troubles from the future. We all do that. Not wise at this point.

Oh yeah, I was going to stop doing that.

[ImprovedRomeo]

You guys are definitely not alone. Trust me, I see myself in you guys how I was 4 years ago. I was a mess. Read through some of my older posts here from 2006-2007 if you don't believe me. The thought of her not being there with me felt like my life was over. One of the reasons was she totally blindsided me, I had no clue and always thought our marriage was great minus the usual ups and downs of a relationship. So after she dropped the bomb I built up her image in mind as the one who I somehow did wrong, didn't hear her cries, didn't treat her right somehow. I took all the blame upon myself. I wanted so badly for her to know that I was sorry from the bottom of my heart and would do anything to have her back...yet she made me wait 2 years + other bad stuff. When she came back I was the happiest man on earth but early on I felt she hadn't changed and I felt she had one foot out the door.

So this time, I'm a different person. I know I can stand on my own two feet. I know I can take care of my daughter. I don't NEED her, I still would like her back but not in her current state. She needs to meet me half way, she needs to figure out her issues etc.

If she doesn't and chances are she won't do I have any hope that I'll ever find someone who would truly understand me, my quirks, my good and my bad? Umm...very little but do I want to find someone who truly does appreciate and want me? I do and for that reason I'm willing to try - besides I don't have much of a choice if she doesn't come back (which likely she won't).

We're all independant and strong people, we all came into this world individually and that's how we'll leave so we all can learn to rely on ourselves. I think about people that are much worse off than me, I think about those that are quadrapalegic, those that've lost everything, those that've lost their little ones like Amber and Chelsey in San Diego, those that were truly done wrong and hung for a crime they didn't commit. I have much to be thankful for and look forward to. I just hope my wife isn't too unfair when it comes to the D settlement but I plan to keep my side of the street clean.