Are you getting good marital advice?

[hoosiermama]

And yes, I believe there's a gender difference too. I read somewhere, and I know Puppy likes to say it, for a woman to love a man, there has to be respect and most women won't respect a man who's letting her treat him like chit (my W included).

I have to say that, based upon my experience, this is very true. And my experience was, in other ways, very atypical, so I just want to throw that disclaimer out there. But I exposed really quickly to xH's brother and to 2 trusted friends, because I thought we could essentially do an "intervention" and bring him back to his senses. Big miscalculation on my part, because none of them was willing to confront him, and in fact seemed appalled that I would violate his privacy by reading his email. Somehow that was worse than violating our marriage vows. When xH found out I had exposed, he exploded, and that was when any viable communication between us ended. permanently. complete personality change--and he threatened me with all kinds of awful things if I exposed to his "professional colleagues" (he was a hospital chaplain having an affair with a nurse on his unit--a major ethical breach). It pushed him further into entitlement, it alienated friends.

Again, I don't think my sitch is typical. And I think it's much different when women cheat. Whatever humiliates men, I'm afraid, is counterproductive. But I've seen it work very well when wives' affairs are exposed.