Hi all Context: I panicked when he said we need to have a talk. And we do need to. But because it came from him, and because I didn’t know which aspect of what we need to talk about he meant, and because it was with a stern and serious face, and because I react to anyone’s displeasure with blinding dread and worst-thoughts scenario, I was already a wreck before he walked out the door. I thought my day was wrecked, as I would now spend the whole of it ruminating and stressing about the conversation to come, the make or break of it. I was already disintegrating into a mess, thinking about what he might say, how I might react, how I might feel, which was all my DBing resolve was dissolving into a puddle of fright and head-spinning incompetence. No amount of telling myself that I would be ok no matter what happened would relieve it.
Solution: And then I did something different. I stopped playing conversations in my head, thinking about what I would say/might say/ in response to whatever he might say. I didn’t even try and distract myself, knowing that I would still be obsessing, and working myself up in the process. Instead I came to the computer, sat down and wrote out my goals. What I wanted for the future. I wrote it in detail, what I would see, what I wanted to have happen and why. In half an hour, my anxiety and being a victim to the situation totally reversed. Instead of worrying about what I might say in response to whatever he put forward, I knew what I would say, because I was now firmly grounded in my goals, what I wanted. This then gave me the confidence, courage and words, so that I knew what I would be saying. I was now no longer afraid of any conversation, or even confrontation, if it came to that.
A few people have remarked that when I talk about my relationship and what I wanted, it was about us, about him, never about me. I have been so focused on placating and caring for him, his feelings, the relationship, that I didn’t even know I was doing this to the extent that my goals and needs had taken a back seat. And this was making me weak and a victim to whatever was going on.
DB talks about it, but I urge anyone that if you haven’t sat down and written out your goals, and in positive terms (ie what you want to have happen, not what you don’t want), to do it. It can totally give you back your power and make you feel less of a victim and potentially reactive rather than proactive, to your spouse or the situation.
Hi all Context: I panicked when he said we need to have a talk. And we do need to. But because it came from him, and because I didn’t know which aspect of what we need to talk about he meant, and because it was with a stern and serious face, and because I react to anyone’s displeasure with blinding dread and worst-thoughts scenario, I was already a wreck before he walked out the door. I thought my day was wrecked, as I would now spend the whole of it ruminating and stressing about the conversation to come, the make or break of it. I was already disintegrating into a mess, thinking about what he might say, how I might react, how I might feel, which was all my DBing resolve was dissolving into a puddle of fright and head-spinning incompetence. No amount of telling myself that I would be ok no matter what happened would relieve it.
Solution: And then I did something different. I stopped playing conversations in my head, thinking about what I would say/might say/ in response to whatever he might say. I didn’t even try and distract myself, knowing that I would still be obsessing, and working myself up in the process. Instead I came to the computer, sat down and wrote out my goals. What I wanted for the future. I wrote it in detail, what I would see, what I wanted to have happen and why. In half an hour, my anxiety and being a victim to the situation totally reversed. Instead of worrying about what I might say in response to whatever he put forward, I knew what I would say, because I was now firmly grounded in my goals, what I wanted. This then gave me the confidence, courage and words, so that I knew what I would be saying. I was now no longer afraid of any conversation, or even confrontation, if it came to that.
A few people have remarked that when I talk about my relationship and what I wanted, it was about us, about him, never about me. I have been so focused on placating and caring for him, his feelings, the relationship, that I didn’t even know I was doing this to the extent that my goals and needs had taken a back seat. And this was making me weak and a victim to whatever was going on.
DB talks about it, but I urge anyone that if you haven’t sat down and written out your goals, and in positive terms (ie what you want to have happen, not what you don’t want), to do it. It can totally give you back your power and make you feel less of a victim and potentially reactive rather than proactive, to your spouse or the situation.
M, This is great. Do you understand why it helped? Can you do it again when needed? Do you see now what doesn't work? What are you doing to grow thru your need to be accepted (co-dependence)? What you did is powerful and you did it on your own for yourself (loving yourself). Keep handling it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hi Coach why did it help? To answer your question, I think it helped because instead of being a victim to the situation, I took a stand. Instead, as you say, me reacting according to my need for approval, I took that out of the equation. The need for approval is the driver in my life. It's taken me years to finally come to grips with the fact that I cannot please everyone all the time, and also that not everyone is going to like me. So be it. However it's still a huge force and drive behind behaviour --so automatic I don't even recognise it in operation. What doesn't work? Letting someone else set the agenda as if I have no say; losing myself in fear and rumination and obsessing (I knew that anyway, and I am sooo sick of making myself distressed and sick by doing this, that I decided to do something different, and it worked). Another reason, and less obvious, why writing my goals down worked is because I find that when I write stuff down, it clarifies my thinking. I've kept journals for over 30 years, and I'm still amazed just how much writing stuff down is not only cathartic, but strengthening. You don't know what you really think until you see it on paper! Incidentally, we had the talk, and I was all prepared because I had my goals written down and also a list of options with pros/cons/considerations of potential solutions to help us out of dire circumstances.(which is probably the main cause of our relationship probs) I showed him the goals and the table, and I admit my heart was in my throat, thinking I was really being over the top and self-centred by having my goals listed, with only a hint of the relationship, and that he'd think this, too. He didn't. Instead he looked at it and said, "good, good, it's all good" as he read each one. I think we might be able to solve our problems, though it's going to be really tough.
You are right, though, I do need to do something about this need for approval that seems to drive me. Any book recommendations, or any strategies/exercises? Thanks for your help Mettaphorica
I do need to do something about this need for approval that seems to drive me. Any book recommendations, or any strategies/exercises?
For self-growth:
Co-dependent No More - Melody Beattie
Learned Optimism - Martin Seligman
Relationships:
The Five Love Languages
His Needs, Her Needs
The exercises from DB are great: 180s, GAL, Goals, Act as if, no expectations and detaching.
Learn about "boundaries" and "detaching" two important concepts.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are right, though, I do need to do something about this need for approval that seems to drive me. Any book recommendations, or any strategies/exercises? Thanks for your help Mettaphorica
Eat, Pray, Love The Art of Racing In The Rain (for help with intuition)
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
