Until the withdrawal phase is done and into recovery you need intel
But during the Cheating phase it won't be given, you have to take it if you want intel. MWD reccomends using spyware on a PC, but there are a variety of methods of finding out what's going on.
During Re-commitment an end has presumably been made to the affair.. this re-commitment should NOT be made without a commitment to full-disclosure and full transparency of all communications and daily activities
This transparency agreement is in place well into recovery.
If your spouse refuses to offer transparency, the affair is NOT over.
It does NOT mean they ARE communicating, but it DOES mean at the VERY LEAST that withdrawal is not complete.
If there is a need to HIDE, there is a need to INDULGE in fantasy further, even if it is only in the imagination. This indulgence pushes the withdrawal schedule back further.
Comments like this make it clear he's at LEAST still in withdrawal and hasn't made any commitments.
Mind you, during withdrawal you will get a LOT of resistance..
You will NOT get their cooperation. I don't recommend taking someone back until they are showing a willingness to be honest.
So, you really have to protect yourself and him and do what you can to work around him for the intel... But behaviourally he's still in withdrawal if there is no contact...
I have certainly been here myself having heard its over more than half a dozen times, it reminds me of a joke often said about quitting smoking :
I can quit smoking, i have done it dozens of times
A claim to have quit is not reliable.
Ignore 50% of what they do and 100% of what they say.
Bo-peep in my opinion is a complex beast.. but my short version is for you to apply Bo-Peep ELSEWHERE to OTHERs and leave your H OUT of that kinder you. SHOW him what a person you CAN and are WILLING to be when an affair is over. I did this myself and it did help a lot.
If you use a warm soft loving voice on the phone within his earshot and once you hang up and he approaches you and your tone changes drastically, he will still SEE what a person you are and he will WANT that himself... hold onto it and dont' share that until you are SURE the affair is done.
That's my advice on the matter at least.
Example : Make a wonderful dinner and invite three of your friends over.. your H can smell it but he's not invited.
You have fun, you laugh, you even mention the affair and how hard it is on you... all within his earshot.
This is you Showing Kindness so he can see it is there, but you don't share it with HIM until he's past his withdrawal.
