feel like giving up - pt 2

[talia]

Luv,
I'm going to challenge you a little bit. I think you are playing the (que Kartman voice) "Screw you guys, I'm going home" attitude towards this. This isn't about "I'll D him before he D me" its about doing what works. SO WHAT if he leaves? SO WHAT if he goes to her? SO WHAT if he files first?

Only you can decide you want to play thing thing out. I'm curious... and please answer these for yourself and for us to better help you....

Why are you so worried about H leaving?
What could H possibly do to you legally/financially?
Why does it matter so much to you that H not serve you?
Why do you feel that time ISN'T on your side? Have you read up on affairs? - time is your FRIEND!
Why is it so hard for you to pickup the phone, call OWH and say "Hi, I'm Luv, Your wife is having A with my H" ?
Why is it you think that this should only take a short amount of time... it too you years to get into this mess, right?


You have a very defeatist attitude towards this. You keep saying you want your marriage to work, but ask yourself, Do you really? Or do you want it to work if H does? There is NOTHING wrong with either answer. You need to start to see that there are so MANY people on these boards who didn't see ANY ANY ANY ANY indication that their spouse was EVER going to change their mind for months/years! I'm not saying that any particular timeframe is right for you - everyone needs to decide that for themselves. It's an intensely personal decision as to how long you will wait/waste on another person!

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM in this - STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!!! (I know you are going to tell me you are not - but you are) The defeatist attitude you are projecting makes you a victim.
"He's not ever going to come around and see it my way , so I guess I just have to file for D before he does" <- victim
"I cannot be married to a man who cheats on me and I will not compete for the love of my H, therefore I am filing for D" <- In control - see the difference?

You have so many more tools to use on this project before you give up. If you are done, you are, and that's OK. But it seems to a lot of us (I think) that you don't want to be....

Start looking at things from a "will work" position instead of a "won't work" position. You have NO IDEA what your H is thinking... you can't possibly know how he truly feels about the M right now. STOP ASSUMING you know and start DOING what works... give it enough time to have an effect and THEN see what happens.

MONUMENTAL change is necessary to solve these situations - have your changes to YOU been that big?? ONLY when you have BIG changes with YOU can you affect big changes in others!

Hugs

T