Did not see ur post b4 I made mine. I really don't notice any withdrawal, she pretty much remain the same. The only diff is the phone calls had stopped. They work together and see each other 3 days a week. According to a friend it is near impossible for them not to talk to each other given the nature if the work but he assured me when they do talk it is not like it use to be it is work related.
Ugh -- I had forgotten that they worked together closely.
If that's the case, then the timetable I wrote above won't apply. You're going to be in for a looong haul of "fits-and-starts" most likely. Not to say it can't be done, but every contact and interaction she has with him -- even negative ones -- are going to give her brain a new shot of endorphines (PEAs), and reset her "clock" back to damned near zero again.
The symptoms are pretty similar to clinical depression: quiet, weepy periods mixed with angry outbursts, shuts out others in the family, may just want to lie around on the couch or even in her bed, etc.
I believe Harley actually said twelve weeks for withdrawal Pup did he not? I am at work so I don't have time to check.
Still looking for that -- I thought it was shorter, but I could be wrong. My wife's was about 2-3 weeks, and her moods were ALL OVER THE MAP. It was horrible.
I did find this interview with Dr. Harley, which I found very interesting (emphasis mine):
Quote:
Dr. HARLEY: Well, the first thing they have to do is get away from the attractive person, and that's the first step.
MEEUWSEN: Are most people willing to do that?
Dr. HARLEY: No, but that's the first step. I have to talk people into doing things that just are totally irrational to them. They don't understand that leaving this person that they're attracted to is the first step toward marital recovery. If they're having an affair, they can never see or talk to the lover again the rest of their lives. And that's the first step in recovery, is never seeing or talking to another lover. It may mean you have to quit your job. Many of the people I've counseled, many pastors I've counseled, have had to leave the state to get away from lovers that they have. And you have to totally separate. Again, think of it as an addiction. How do you get over being addicted to alcohol? You get away from the substance that you're addicted to. And the same thing is true in marriage.
The second thing is you have to go through withdrawal because once you leave the addictive situation, you will go through a period of deep depression, and one of the things that people have told me--the betrayed spouse says, one of the hardest parts of all of this is to get through the withdrawal, because here they have their husband or wife back but the husband or wife is miserable. And they blame it all on them, see? And then once you're through withdrawal, it ends. If they don't see or talk to the spouse, it ends. They're through withdrawal; then the recovery can actually begin. But there's a sense in which people try to recover with the lover still there. That never works, just like you can't get over being an alcoholic if you're drinking all the time.
I believe I remember something about 12 wks. In my experience it took me that long of hard withdrawal.
I agree about trying to keep things light and find funny movies to watch. Play with the kids or watch puppies.....whatever will bring laughter. Plan ahead and stay away from serious things as much as possible.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair Topic(s): Surviving Infidelity 348 Comments
You’d think that a wayward spouse would be so aware of his or her weakness and so aware of the pain inflicted that he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual” or was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.
Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.
Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. It wasn’t long before all the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.
Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.
My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.
An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.
Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction—to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.
The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy their marriage.
The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most—his or her family.
After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover—for life.
Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.
The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel.
The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven—abstain from the object of addiction
Not to get off the subject, but I have said for years that is why food addictions are so hard b/c you have to eat in order to stay alive.......and I can't think of other addictions where that is the case. But using this as an example, the WAW working with the object of her EA is like a person on a diet who is constantly facing food. You think that one little taste wouldn't hurt.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not trying to down play the A and I understand there is a withdrawal period and for me that period may extend farther due to the work situation but all that a side how does the rebuilding process begin?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
OIN, you don't understand. For the WAW, the fact that she has stopped contacting OM "is" part of the rebuilding. I don't have the stages like Allen does, but I can tell you that for me I could not instantly change overnight into the W that my H wanted to see throwing myself 100% into working (as he defined work). As I told my H, I had to get to the place where I was willing "to be willing" to start. I had no energy to put into our R. I had no desire for my H. I was not a happy camper. Do you get that? I was doing what I knew was the right thing to do.......stay. Each day I focused on "staying" and not giving into the temptation to contact OM. If you can't see that as the WAW "working" then you are not going to be able to make it through her period of grieving b/c you will be too impatient and will be putting too much pressure on the W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
