how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

thanks for the link, OTM. i'm at work now but i'll definitely check it out later when i have some privacy.

met up with my H last night for dinner. it feels like it's been forever since i've seen him. we started off with small talk, asked about each other's families, jobs, that kind of stuff. later on we talked about the phone conversation we'd had last week where he'd asked me about us seeing a counselor together and i sort of told him off. he said i was right about everything i'd said, that no one had ever held him accountable for anything he'd ever done and he'd never had to take any real responsibility for his own actions. he said he didn't like the person he'd become over the last 10 years and he wanted to change but didn't know how or if he even could. he also said he didn't believe he was worth the things he'd put me through and that i'd be crazy to try and work things out with him.

what i wanted to do was soothe and assure him, tell him he was wrong, he was worth the fight, all those things that my gut wanted to say to make him feel better. but i didn't. he said, you deserve to be with someone who will love you unselfishly, not like i have, and i just looked him in the eye and said, i know. he said he is very proud of how i've handled myself and that i've done so much soul-searching and even found it within myself to reach out to others in need during a time when i was in need myself. sadly...no one else has told me they were proud. my family has said they were happy i had been able to do it, but no one else has said they were proud.

on top of all of this, my mom's 60th birthday is on sunday. she drove me to an appointment yesterday and started sobbing in the car about how she was going to be 60, and the one thing she wants most - grandchildren - is the one thing she can't have (my sister broke off an engagement over a year ago and has no real "marriage prospects" at the moment, and well, look where i am). i tell you, i could have crumbled under the weight of that pressure. nothing like your mother making you feel like a failure after coming back from a service trip where you thought you were making a difference.

so, i don't know if we will seek MC together or not. my H seems to be in a really low place, especially if he can say he's not worth it and i deserve better. of course part of me feels like that's just a cop out...but, i don't know. he left me in tears and he did a fair amount of crying last night. i know all i can do at this point is just let him go, but knowing it and doing it are 2 different things.

i did buy my H a book yesterday, called Switch: How to Change When Change is Hard. I started reading the first few chapters and oddly enough, the authors quote MWD and mention her book, DB. funny that. hopefully he'll read it...when i gave it to him, he said he had been on the verge of downloading the audiobook the night before.

sigh. WHERE IS THAT DANG EASY BUTTON WHEN YOU NEED IT??!?!