Don't retreat, I will not post anymore here. Ever.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
june, you don't have to not post...just refrain from posting negative advice.
like WN said, we are here to encourage the goal of SAVING the M. not killing it.
again, if it was about an abusive sitch, then that is different, but her H is not abusive. he is doing exactly what they all do, just as WN said, and because NM's goal is to save her M, then we need to promote steps that put her in that direction, not steer her from it. and everyone DOES get people trying to steer us away from it all over...a reason I chose to cut all contact from ALL my family and friends, except those who had been supporting and helping me fight for my M.
and maybe that is not something you can do, or control yourself from, but if this is something you don't like about yourself, why not start now to change it? why not look at the positives instead of the negatives? look at what CAN happen, because her M could be saved. we don't know if it will or won't happen, but the possibility is definitely there.
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I really think, IMO, he has made a new life now. And is treating you as a friend. I think it is really, really shitty of him. When you cried in front of him and then confided your real feeling. I did not see any indication of him desiring to change the status quo.
I just think this is a very very unhealthy dynamic.
you want them to treat you as a friend. that's how the transformation begins. and in regards to it being unhealthy, that is up to her. she can allow it to be unhealthy, but her PMA is very strong, and I don't see that happening with her at all.
keep posting, but try to be more encouraging, and seeing things from her perspective of trying to save the M.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
hope to hear from you soon NM. totally understand how you need to get away...sometimes being on here can mess up our PMA's.
we love you!! can't wait to hear from you!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I will be giving an update a little later!Just bumping my page. I did see that I offended Daybyday and learned that it was because I called her H coo-coo. Daybyday, I am very sorry that offended you. I was intending it to mean he is crazy for leaving you. I hope you can forgive me.
More later! And I have a bunch of threads to catch up on!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I have been on FB requesting advice from a couple of folks who know my sitch but staying away from my thread and reading others to take a break.
On 3/25, WH starts by asking if we want the same daycare we looked at before. He then asks if I will still be living here.
This is all a blur but he continues by saying he needs to make a decision. I ask him if it is because it has been a year and he says no, he has been thinking about it. Then I ask if it is because OW is pressuring him. He says no, it is just time for him to decide.
I told him that I thought he hasn't said anything about D because he has doubts. He said everyone has doubts about divorce. He says he isn't sure if we could get back to where we were before this. I said all I know is that it seemed things were fine and then SHE came along and they weren't. So if SHE were gone, we could get it back.
I ask if he is happy. He pauses for about 5 seconds, looks at S, then says yes, he wishes things were different with S, but he's happy. He says he doesn't foresee when or if he will end his R with her.
I tell him that my intuition tells me that his R with her will end but that we will end up together. He says maybe I am right.
Then he asks me if I think he has lost his mind. I bite my tongue and tell him, no, I think he is lost.
Then he says he doesn't understand why he is doing this because it is totally out of his character.
A bunch of other stuff was said by me, I cried. I ask him if he still loves me. He says he has strong feelings for me...I tell him that is funny because I can sense it.
So then a bunch of stuff and he finally says "I don't want to lose you! I am afraid to lose you!" and it was kind of the end of the conversation.
Well I go to bed crying and accepting that my marriage is over. I tell a couple friends the next day. One was a "tell it like it is" friend and she said "Newmama! He has doubts! You have to talk to him!" My other friend knows about my sitch from the beginning and said "No, it's not over yet! He has doubts!"
So I decide to go to the beach and prepare for what to say and prepare for moving forward with my life. Mentally prepare! I prayed and meditated and asked people online and got ready.
On Sunday WH drops off S and I tell him I want to talk. I start by saying "I know you are still trying to decide whether to divorce me or not. You said yourself that you are afraid to lose me. I think this is because you have doubts.
to be continued
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
