I had a good chat with Deb & KK today and during that talk we discussed the fact that the Affairs and MLCs that our Significant Other's have dragged us through is very much like a battlefield. The LBS and the WAS represent the two different "armies"...BOTH sides feel righteous in their taking to the 'field', BOTH sides feel that they're fighting for a "just cause."
The WAS thinks they're fighting for their emotional freedom from the pain (real or imagined) and they arm themselves with weapons of mass destruction like: OWs/OMs; indifference to the emotional well being of their spouses, children, friends and family; their moral compasses go haywire and they reinvent their personal code of ethics in order to 'justify' the path they choose. They turn a switch in their hearts and minds that blocks out, or at the very least, distorts the history of their once solid M. They see us as the 'enemy' and no longer their 'ally.'
WE, arm ourselves with 'reasoning'; rehashed memories; promises to change; and our commitment to stay the course. To US, those "weapons" are harmless, but to our WAS they're daggers in the heart because in thier pain and confusion, nothing is 'real' anymore.
Eventually when the smoke clears and we are all worn weary from the fight, we lay down our arms and come to the table to 'talk peace.' We try to negotiate a 'reasonable' agreement that both sides can live with. We make concessions so that everyone can 'save face' and hopefully we join forces once again.
The battle grounds for our marriages that were fought on are rife with ghosts. Some are the hurtful words that were spoken, or thoughtless acts and deeds and some are the 'imagined' slings and arrows that have cut us so deeply.
We ALL have to lay our ghosts to rest, or we will be haunted by them for the rest of our days.
So HERE on this thread is where each of us can come, to bury our dead, so that we can live in peace.
R. I. P.
Here lies T2's ghosts of OW # 1 and 2. May they forever remain buried in the graveyard of broken trust where they and those like them will never see the light of day to conspire to steal the once safe life of another innocent woman again. RIP 10-30-03
But when they come out of the tunnel they fully realize JUST what they have done. They hurt the one person that loved and trusted them, now they have broken that trust. No wonder, they think they are not worthy of our love
You're awesome! You're wonderful! I'm really sorry I missed the chat yesterday!
Quote: Eventually when the smoke clears and we are all worn weary from the fight, we lay down our arms and come to the table to 'talk peace.'
When I read this I immediately thought of my H, his comments last week "that's he sick of this" maybe is his way of saying he's growing weary from the fight, his internal fight.
My ghosts, my past, can all be buried here. OW is digging her grave right now and will soon bury herself!
Here she Lie. I won't cry. Took my honey. Now she be holding her dead bunny. (LOL) She's not taking my man. I'll be a kickin' her can. She has no scruples So listen up my pupils They are just a Ho H's will make them go H get tired of those nasty toys H are just screwed up boys OW can't win this cause I have the special kiss H will wake up want to drink from MY cup
I agree with Cathy, I really believe that my H's OW is digging her grave too. And H is coming over to spend time here at home. Cross another off the list~ H is now doing things for the home! I'm next!
WOW ... T2 ... that is a very powerful analogy. Yes, I too, was drafted into the army that fought that war and thought that when CAW offered me a olive branch that the war was all over and for six months it seemed we able to bury the ghosts.
... but your post today showed she was not able to bury her ghosts and the demons are convincing her I'm still holding her emotional freedom hostage. This now puts meaining behind a comment she made at the end of summer that she doesn't want to end up resenting me?
Used to be that the sound of his keys jingling meant that he was bolting off at 10:00 at night to go hang out with friends and spend the night. Abandoning me. Escaping me.
The other night, in our new home, I heard the familiar sound.
My heart leaped into my throat.
I almost screamed out, "Where are you going?????" in fear.
But I caught myself and self-soothed, reassuring myself that he was probably just going outside for his final cigarette of the night. And taking his keys to make sure he doesn't lock himself out.
So:
R. I. P. The sound of jingling keys used to cause me fear. But now I know that he's still here.
T2, Powerful Post Girl. We do indeed need to bury our demons whatever they may be if we are working towards reconciliation. Count me in. I'll be more than happy to bury the OW-Deep in the ground where she can dwell with all the other homewreckers and shameless tramps that stop at nothing to try and divide us from our S. This OW is really digging her own grave too-saves me the time and energy of digging that DEEP hole. She called my SIL two days ago and filled him full of lies. H told him to hang up on her if she ever called again. He has told me he will not call her because that's what she wants by doing this. It's so wonderful to see the light at the end of the nightmare tunnel we've been in! Rachael
ow shrouded in all of her deceptions, lies, manipulations as she made every attempt to befriend me while deceiving me. Went out of her way to insert herself into my life.
I'm going to toss on top of that the insecurity list I posted on Pam's party thread...we'll make a separate copy (we're burning one of them!) and we'll bury it deep in the ground.
Then I'm gonna toss on top of that every memory of h's responses to me during the a...the "evilness and paranoia" comment, the blank stares, the encouraging me to go see a C for my "trust issues".
I'm gonna toss my mother's inane comments in there too...how as the ow herself she claims it's the LBS' fault...how the w "must know and be ok with it" if she's not doing anything about it.
I'm going to toss in the memory of the emails that I found...the pet names, the indications that they had seen each other while I was at school. The stupid invite to see Julie Andrews and Christopher Plumber when they came to town (as if!), the woe is me tone of "I really wish we could go out for a REAL date" (oh, sorry, ow, such is your lot in life!). The email she sent after seeing me for the last time "I really think she knows something". The jacka$$ emails she sent after he told her it was over.
I'm putting in there the way I used to feel when he'd go check his emails so late at night. the wondering when I'd be sitting in class at school if they were together.
I'm going to put in "I'm not sure I want to be married to you" and "I want a divorce". I'll put in there "It has never felt right...you know that."
It's time to throw the dirt on top. What am I using for strength?
All the DB muscle I've acquired, the support of my BB friends, the love my h has shown me, the work that he has done to heal us, and my own strength in healing, too.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
