Hi Coach why did it help? To answer your question, I think it helped because instead of being a victim to the situation, I took a stand. Instead, as you say, me reacting according to my need for approval, I took that out of the equation. The need for approval is the driver in my life. It's taken me years to finally come to grips with the fact that I cannot please everyone all the time, and also that not everyone is going to like me. So be it. However it's still a huge force and drive behind behaviour --so automatic I don't even recognise it in operation. What doesn't work? Letting someone else set the agenda as if I have no say; losing myself in fear and rumination and obsessing (I knew that anyway, and I am sooo sick of making myself distressed and sick by doing this, that I decided to do something different, and it worked). Another reason, and less obvious, why writing my goals down worked is because I find that when I write stuff down, it clarifies my thinking. I've kept journals for over 30 years, and I'm still amazed just how much writing stuff down is not only cathartic, but strengthening. You don't know what you really think until you see it on paper! Incidentally, we had the talk, and I was all prepared because I had my goals written down and also a list of options with pros/cons/considerations of potential solutions to help us out of dire circumstances.(which is probably the main cause of our relationship probs) I showed him the goals and the table, and I admit my heart was in my throat, thinking I was really being over the top and self-centred by having my goals listed, with only a hint of the relationship, and that he'd think this, too. He didn't. Instead he looked at it and said, "good, good, it's all good" as he read each one. I think we might be able to solve our problems, though it's going to be really tough.
You are right, though, I do need to do something about this need for approval that seems to drive me. Any book recommendations, or any strategies/exercises? Thanks for your help Mettaphorica
