Mach - Actions were the way I tried to speak to him because talking was out for the most part. H would express displeasure about something and I would defend myself or give an excuse first. and then go about trying to fix it. I do admit that most of the changes would revert back (and here comes the excuse) I just didn't have the energy to keep them all up in the last couple years. I realize now that menopause zapped my reserves and I became overwhelmed. That's over and my energy has returned, but too late. I did try to explain what was going on with me to H, but he was in his own depression and pain. He had nothing left to give.
I get it, and you're right, the mirror work is tough. I know my part in blowing this M. I've made changes, for me. Only for me. H has ow to be what I wasn't to him. He told me he is finally happy with the love of his life and her being perfect for him would never change. H doesn't notice my changes because I'm not his focus anymore especially since I've detached and don't push his buttons anymore. That's the way it is and it's not my choice or decision and I can not fix it this time.
Maybe H isn't in MLC and is a WAH. Maybe I was trying to fit him in that category because I wanted to have an excuse for why he did what he did. It could be that I did that hoping that he would wake up someday and realize all that he's thrown away, including the kids. Maybe I was trying to use him being in MLC to defend myself or to try to ease my guilt because I can't understand why after 27 years, 7 kids, a home we loved, that the love I thought we had for each other just disappeared almost overnight for him. (If his love for me was gone for as long as he said it had been H deserves an Academy Award) It is a hard thing to face that this person whom I've loved for more than half my life just couldn't stand me anymore and walked. It could be that I wanted to believe MLC so that down the road there might be a chance to build a new R with him.
All of this said, I would bet my farm that H has very low testosterone. His depression and anger are still very evident as is his memory loss. There were intimacy problems I believe because of it.(Always had been great during our M) I know that it bothered H. The times I tried to talk to H about it I was gentle and compassionate. I tried to get him to see a doctor, but he wouldn't. I didn't push or nag, I understood. During my menopause it didn't matter much to me, but as I finished my interest returned, by that time H didn't even want to try. I missed that part of our M. I guess me trying to get H to see a doc about it could have been seen as pressure to him. I know he didn't leave me because of that. Not from my own snooping, but from ow's words to her XSIL, I know she hates it, and no wonder from what she went through as a child. Apparently there is no pressure for that from her.
I know how complicated this all sounds. The bottom line is that I already loved my H unconditionally. Not a doormat, just detached when I had to during the marriage because there were some things I couldn't fix. I didn't bury my head in the sand. I saw the problems clearly, fixed what I could when I could, but it takes two to fix some things. You can only control yourself.
If the above sounds like a pity party, I admit I feel sorry for all that we've lost. I feel even more sorry for my Ds. They're the biggest losers in all this. The events that have transpired are very confusing to all of us. I will protect them and do what I can to minimize the damage.
I have asked God for strength and He has blessed me. We will get through this and be okay.
