thank you kj for your insightful comments.

I do think this is MLC... but yes, sometimes I do wonder if there are other approaches. should I have taken a harder line earlier... I don't think in my heart of hearts that would have workded though...

but for now I stick with this plan to be better for me, to try and detatch... allow her to continue to work through what she is working through. to try and figure out a way to be happy on my own.