I am hoping that talking money to H will slow things down but since he has never really had a handle on money, it may be a lost cause!
It might, but who knows? I'm woman enough to admit I'm in deep waters, and don't know what to tell you on that, except to step away enough to allow HIM to do the heavy lifting..he wants this, you don't, so other than the "money" talk; let HIM do his own heavy lifting. Don't help him at all; sometimes that is part of their consequences for making stupid mistakes is to allow them to suffer theirs WITHOUT your help. To let them go and bump(or even crack)their heads is the best thing for them..understanding that you cannot stop this if they are THAT determined to go through with it.
When you help someone with something that is clearly a bad decision for them; you end up reaping the consequences right along with them, or even instead of them, as you, through your help, "enabled" them in their bad behavior; and they think they can get away with anything after that. It's kind of like "bailing" someone out who is irresponsible, and they keep on doing the same things, never experiencing their consequences, because someone else keeps reaping for them. Not a good place to be.
That is not the same thing as "letting them go" to make their own mistakes. In that, you're NOT helping them, simply letting them go, making them do the heavy lifting required to achieve their own ends...any consequences there, THEY bear, not you.
Make certain you are financially protected, though, and be prepared to fight for what is rightfully yours, CW...do not allow him to get of scot-free..you still have a child/children at home that need financial support.
The last is from a mother's point of view....I had thought, at one point it might come to the point of divorce, though it never did...and I let him know in NO uncertain terms after discovering the OW; that he was NOT going to get off scot free and live the life of Riley..leaving ME with all the responsibility. I flat informed him that I would clean him out, and I would have, if it had come to that. He knew me well enough to know I most likely would carry that one out, MLC or not.
I was and still am confrontational, and sometimes combative when it comes to standing for me. Thank goodness I don't anger as easily as I used to, but I will allow NO ONE to run me over....think I've been driving a truck too long; many battles I've had to fight there, LOL!
I think that last part about cleaning him out scared him; as I was shouting to beat the band by then...I was SO mad, my chest was killing me after that.
He was doing his best to get rid of her by the time I discovered her, and I could have saved myself some heartache if I'd have just watched it all play out...but NO..I had to be a big mouth, and shoot it off at him. That bought me three weeks of total rejection at his hands, drove me to the point of suicide, and at that point in time, I had NOT gotten what I was supposed to do.....I was TOO mad to listen to anyone!
I can see now that my anger cost me quite a bit, and it only hurt ME. You see, at that point in time, he wouldn't have cared if I'd lived or died, just so he got what he wanted. No matter what I said, it just didn't matter to him. I was raising cain, and he wasn't listening at that point..it was later that I learned to do the opposite of what I'd normally do.
I hadn't learned detatchment, distancing, getting away from his drama, nor had I started my journey at that time, either.
I learned a great deal from my mistakes; and tried to teach others what I learned from having been there.
You only hurt yourself when you don't learn to detach, distance, and get started with your journey...it's hard to know you can do nothing to help him; and you can only help yourself.
In the meantime, he needs to be left to twist in the wind; swinging like a pendulum, making his own mistakes that can and will hurt HIM in the long run, but yet, like the ripple effect, he will hurt the ones around him that love him through his actions/decisions during his crisis.
Those actions/decisions are the hardest ones to bear; most especially when they involve the children.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
