Hi Lost, Haven't read all of your posts but thought I'd chime in the last few pages...My H, too, seemed over the last few year in particular, to have a lot of health issues for a really healthy guy..colds/shoulder pain, jammed finger with lingering pain..not sure if its related to his depression which I think he's had now for several years(runs in his family too). People who are depressed are much less tolerant of pain and depression can manifest itself as physical pain. So antidepressants may help!
When my H asked for a divorce in May 2009, he really thought he and OW were soulmates and had a future together...She dumped him 2 days later and he started opening up to me. We had started a communication class a few weeks prior to this and H was very resistant to going but his IC had recommended it-so he tried it with me. H really liked our instructor and H actually brought up the idea of MC with the insructor and initiated the MC himself. I was so hopeful!
I'm not sure how well MC with a MLCer works...I think in my case my H wasn't ready and pulled back and stopped doing the homework the MC assigned...then asked(again) and filed for a divorce 6 months into the MC.
Looking back, I think I got something out of it, but our marriage didn't. It feels to me now that H was playing a role and wasn't really there participating fully. I think when H felt that our communication wasn't improving he used that as a mental excuse that our marriage was doomed..Never acknowledging that he really didn't put the effort in that was needed. He showed up but didn't do the work needed.
I think it may have harmed us in that H now thinks we tried everything and it didn't work..so the only choice is to divorce. Our MC actually thought our only real problem was some differences in communication styles-no major red flags in our marriage. I guess its all how you perceive things-the filters you see through.
So , as much as you might think MC will help..if your H doesn't want it, or waffles about it..let it go for now. Its of more benefit when they come out of MLC...I think it works great for traditional problems and when you are to the piecing part, rebuilding trust..but while they are still going through the spin of MLC it doesn't really matter-just from my experience.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Lost, it is possible he was feeling pressured by you talking about it and said that to take the pressure off. MLC = confusion, too.
I agree with KJ. I don't have any firsthand experience with it (my H won't go see a counselor of any type), but it seems like during the MLC fog is not the time for MC. They really need to work through their issues first before they can work on the M.
today: my turn to take d to family counceling tomorrow ...we alternate and then all go.anyways i mention to h while talking on the subject that we may benifit more from mc if we go individually and then together, also to do the mc with fc to keep it all together...SHOCKER...
h says that he was being sarcastic when he said he would go!
that is bs...i was there right in front of him to see and hear it...why??? why??? why???
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Yes, they do that, say one thing, then do another...dig deeper for patience, Lost; I understand the shock..and then they said they DIDN'T say what you KNOW they said.
The masters of mind games..I remember those days..no good to argue; just go on with your life AS IF..is all you can do, and hope they follow your lead.
Besides, he's got to get clear of the fog BEFORE counseling does any good at all. Some things they have to work out on their own, and you have to be very patient, while they do that.
I'm sorry, Lost, I've seen this happen, too. Not the same situation, but several similar things; where things got ALL twisted up like a pretzel.
Please don't get upset with him; just be there for him; it's not easy for him, either to waffle like that.
Detach even more, and you'll see more clearly that he's in quite a bit of pain, honestly.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
See? Waffling! Told ya! Everyone keeps telling you this.
And my H is only changing now in MC because he was ready to. We tried earlier on - like four months postbomb and he refused to do anything then bailed after three sessions. Remember to lay low - he has to come to this on his own. And yea, the "forgetting/denying" that they said what they said? Very common.
thanks everyone! i needed that to pick me up a bit!
i will keep posting and venting!!!
hugs to all!!
I think that through this so far, the frustration builds so quickly due partly to the fact that i have made such great changes for myself!i am ready to move forward with a "new and improved " marriage and h is so far behind...if in it at all!
i vent and then remind myself that i am still blessed because even though he can be a complete butt...in his twisted way he is still doing all he needs to do as a husband and father...i will keep praying that in the future he is able to improve in doing these things in a heathier way...when he is ready and able.
for now its me the girls and the pooches!
Last edited by lost1234; 03/16/1011:04 AM.
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
I feel the same way with my H. But what choice do we have but to wait for them to catch up? None. And I do think he's showing progress so hang in there. I look forward to your "update" tomorrow!
You ladies are honestly doing well and fine, even if you don't see it just now.....you will later on, though.
Even if I don't always post, I still do look in when I come to visit to see what's new.
The frustration of limbo land is pretty hard to take...I remember those days.
You're ready to move on with it, and they aren't...the "sane" spouse really does get ahead in the world, finishing FAR ahead of the MLC'er..it's sorta like you "hurry up and wait", then it gets on your nerves to wait, because they're SO slow.
Yet, you know, you don't want them to not finish their journey; that can cause MORE problems down the road..and you really don't want to deal with that if you don't have to.
Just wanted you two to know, I love you both, and am rooting for both of you....and I do enjoy talking to you two when I can.
Much love to you both, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
You're much welcome, but you ARE doing well on your own; we all learn that we contain the answers within ourselves, and won't always need someone else to draw them out of us.
Yet, on the other hand..when we're confused, fearful; and feel boxed in, it DOES help to have someone sitting on the outside of that box to help us get out of it; teaching us to detach from the situation at hand, helping us to understand that our love for someone won't go away because we are protecting ourselves with detachment.
The biggest fear, it always seemed to me(and I faced it, too), is feeling that when you reach total detachment, you'll lose your love, when the opposite is true; you'll gain in love, as you recognize that you cannot FIX the situation, and love that person enough to totally let go, letting chips fall where they may; knowing, also, you've done all you can do to stand. So you, STAND, therefore, in confidence and some measure of peace.
We lose the fear of the unknown so we CAN access the answers that lie within ourselves without feeling we cannot trust ourselves; trusting what we feel within ourselves IS learned with time and detachment. When the fear begins to fade after total detachment is reached, we can see MORE clearly what is we need to do in regards to our own individual situation.
We realize that we have more power than we ever thought we had; but choose to do what we do, because we have learned not to take anything personally, and because we DO love the person we are married to, for better, for worse.
After awhile, you can go on knowing you're doing what you need to do without someone there to hold you up...as you build confidence within yourself, you then begin to hold yourself up, depending more upon yourself. In time, you will depend less on others, more on you and that is the way it should be.
We should always, too, have confidence in the Lord, yet, I also have learned that although we should/can have all faith and confidence in Him, but we need to also have that same type of faith and confidence in ourselves to step forward; to do what's needing to be done when it has to be, even IF we are afraid at times. Courage is born out of fear, so we step forward, letting go of the outcome in that process.
We're always maturing, learning, growing..and that never stops until we are gone from this earth.
The lessons learned in this big trial of our lives stay with us for a lifetime, and are passed on to others to learn and for their understanding in whatever they are facing in their lives.
The effects of your learning are more far-reaching than anyone realizes; I, too, have seen that, and continue to see that same thing as I continue on with my own life.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I know this post wasn't for me, but WOW did I get a lot from it. Thank you as always HB for your advice and encouragement in our most difficult times....
