How 2 fix sex issue if he won't let me?

[alice444]

Y@H- thank you for your thoughtful response! Let's see if I can address some of these points.

In your posts I hear anger, I hear a lack of unconditional love for your husband. But most of all I see language of someone who has not yet forgiven her husband.

Yes, I'm angry- or I have been. Unconditional love? You're right, neither of us has it for the other. How common do you think that is around here, just curious? We've both been hurt fairly badly and forgiveness will take awhile yet, so you're right in what you say.

Is there some aspects of sex that he craves that you just haven't wanted to be part of (positions, specific acts, role-playing, fetishes, costumes) that might change his mind about who is this woman he married?

Not a lot- fantasizing verbally with him, mostly. But I can't do that now b/c he won't be intimate at ALL with me. Other than that, just the strength of my desire and frequency were his complaints. Again, hard to work on if he's cut off all sexual contact.

Have you ever thought about signing up for say belling dancing lessons or say pole dancing lessons, or maybe (what would melt my heart) massage lessons? Have you ever thought about getting a tatoo? What do you think he would say to your geting a "tramp-stamp" lower back tatoo?(not sure I would do that, but they can be later removed)

I've taken belly dancing before, and have no idea what would "melt his heart". He wants to be loved, be my #1 priority and given lots of sex. But his heart is so locked down right now, I'm not sure how to get in those ways. Don't think he really likes tatoos, though I've considered one (not for DBing, for me).

Have you ever thought about hosting a sex toy party for some of your women friends or signing up for a local sex shop course on anything from vibrators to bondage for beginners, and asking your husband if he could like to attend with you?

Yes, I have, with my mom's group of all things. And, although you have some great ideas, again, he doesn't want to do anything sex-related with me right now, so I don't know that this is a good idea at all. The last time I offered him sex he said "I'm done with you and sex", period, end of subject. I would just piss him off and embarrass myself to offer or suggest it again, or anything related to sex right now, I think. This is my dilemma!

What about his video gaming? Is it fantasy based (probably) and if so what kind of fantasy is is based on? Warriors, combat soldiers, wizzardry? Let's say it is based on warriors? Have you ever thought of signing up for say a kick boxing areobic workout routine? Have you ever thought about signing up for fencing lessons? If it is about soldiers, have you ever thought about taking karate lessons or possibly joining the NRA and taking a shooting self defence course or maybe joining a pistol league at a local range (they are always looking for new members and try to be real women friendly)?

Yes, it's World of Warcraft. This is a complaint of his- that I've shown no interest in his game- the game that he lost himself in when I was pregnant and all through our baby's infancy, leaving me to struggle mostly alone. It is like the OW to me so of course I want nothing to do with it, can't even talk about it. Yes, I obviously have anger about this, as he's chosen it time and again over me and our D for years now. But to answer your question- I haven't really considered those things b/c they're not things I like (which they should be to be part of my GAL, right?), except the range shooting. Money is very tight right now and he's scrutinizing our spending, so anything "extra" just has to be thought out carefully. But I'll consider the shooting.

The point of this is that you might in your GAL program figure out something that might "draw you closer together" ...

I thought GAL was to do stuff for ME? Do you have a different view? I'm a bit confused, but also appreciate your creative thinking on this. Ideally, it'd be something I both liked and that intrigued him, I guess.

Have you really ... studied them to learn about his "world" and interests? ... Find out what his gaming fantasies are and see if there isn't something you could do or provide him as a present that would draw the two of you closer in something that he loves to do, that isn't directly sex. Be careful not to push him or smoother him. Once you have his mind and interest, the sex you want might follow.

I don't mean at all to shoot down your ideas, but he will be very suspicious at this point of anything I do, having been so adamant about separating. And the game, well see above. It really feels to me like asking "Honey, how's your OW doing? Did you have a nice time in bed with her last night?" So it would be a 180 for me to show interest in it, but he would be suspicious. Maybe I can try a very teeny show of interest.

In a like way, doing 180's is a way of viewing your relationship as the ultimate sociology experiment and finding out what does and doesn't work with your spouse, if you have the time/patience.

That's a great way to view it. If it weren't such an emotional issue and I didn't feel like my whole life as I know it was at stake, I could be a little more detached!

My second comment, is that it also sounds like your husband needs some space and distance, which is why he commented about a separation. I would suggest that you not drive him out of the house.

No intention of driving him out of the house at this point. If nothing else, it's better for my D that we remain intact for now. Yes, I think he needs some distance, but some days I'm not sure. It's hard to tell- he definintely still wants/expects certain things from me (empathy about his bad day and all the ways in which he feels victimized - my words, not his- and for me to help him with his finances and 401K, etc.)- like he doesn't realize that these things go hand in hand with being a partner you're with, not one you're trying to separate from. Does he think he can announce an S but continue to use all my help and knowledge?

My final comment is about Chapman's Five Languages of Love. What are your husband's primary and secondary languages of love and are you making him feel loved in those languages? You might be surprised that "just sex" is not one of the languages of love, but that it is related to "touch." Some men when they feel unloved and a need for connection only know that sex is the only way their experience has taught them that they feel connected. I know a lot of men who really want to be hugged as much or more by their wives as they want sex, but sex usually results in getting hugged so they go for the short-cut.

I know nothing about this. Is there a website you can suggest? I've got a pile of books waiting to be read already, so web is good.

Thank you so much for your advice, and I hope to hear from you again--

Jaime