I'll try and visit the sites of those that recently posted to me.
The latest in the STBX "CONTROL FREAK" saga. S12 and D17 were with me last night. D17 asked S12 this morning: "Did you call mom last night?".
S12 is usually so laid back, I need to check for a pulse. He said "On no!" and started crying and punching a pillow on my couch" I said "What is THIS all about?" He replied "Mom will yell at me because I didn't call". I said "You forgot, so what?"
He retorted: "You don't understand, she'll flip out because I didn't call". I replied "Why? It's not like you're in Afghanistan. You saw her on Monday night?"
D17 then interjects "It's his mother, she wants to hear from him".
D17 suffers from the "Stockholm Syndrome", where she is terrified of her captor, and therefore sides and idenitifies with her. (Also, if she pis%es off STBX, the now infamous "Jeep" is taken away)
I remember years ago....2001.....an episode where D17 then 8 years old had an incident with STBX, where she said to STBX in a terrified voice over and over "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry".
This was the first time I actually stood up to STBX and said "I know why she reacts that way. No one wants to feel your wrath!"
STBX then responded to me "So, I'm a shi&&y mother?" (Wha' hapeen?)
I wanted to say "The phone I bought him also takes INCOMING calls, so the psycho bi&ch from hel& could have called him....but that was just in the "thought bubble" above my head, so no need to cyber-scold me!
S12 wimpered all the way home, as though he was going to the gas chamber.
I dropped him off and ten minutes later he texted me, "See, I told you this was going to happen. It's so stupid". STBX actually reamed him because he did not call her the night before. While you all think I may be embellishing these stories for a "sympathy vote", this is JUST what happened. Ya' can't make it up
She is an awful human being. It's good to see how an impending divorce has made her a better person. I also don't think she's overjoyed that I'm happy and found someone that I'm crazy about.......remember....she's the one who said to me on July 31, 2005: "Don't you want to find somebody who will knock your socks off?" (Yechhhhh!)
The really sad thing is that is going to go on with them into adulthood. I can't imagine that someone that isn't at least a bit sadistic would even think this way when it comes to their kids.
Mind games can be even harsher than physical punishment. I know.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I often refer to the line from "Born in the USA" by Springsteen, when I describe how I felt at the end of my "trying to make it work",and how I now think about my kids:
"End up like a dog that's been beat too much, so you spend half your life just a coverin' up"
(BORN IN THE USA, BORN IN THE USA!!!)
I think it might be about a year away when S12 tells STBX how he REALLY feels.
He's a pretty gutsy kid (He recently whacked a 16 year old kid who is a high school sophomore across the back with a lacrosse stick, because the kid was mercilessly picking on one of S11's friends and made him cry!)
Your son will indeed rebel against his mother as he progresses into his teen years. My brother's son did the same as his mother was an angry controlling person just like your whacked out STBXW. It got to the point where they went back to court and my brother got full custody. Oh, and my brothers X is now deceased from an apparent suicide - the anger, alchohol and drugs consumed her.
That sucks that your kids are still stuck dealing with the drama.
I wonder if there's more ways you can insulate the kids. Maybe remind them to call? Or even throw yourself under the bus and tell STBX that you guys got busy and you sent him straight to bed after?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
It's tough to watch what the kids go through in their separate relationship with their other parent. And trying to fix it doesn't do a thing for them.
The warrior reamed my daughter one time when she'd forgotten they were supposed to have dinner one evening. (I'd bought tickets to the American Idol tour that night only after confirming that she wasn't busy.) That it was her responsibility to know her schedule.. yadda yadda yadda. I was squirming like a worm on an electric hook with thoughts like: What a frickin' jerk.. how can he be guilting her when he has a secretary and legion of folks to keep him organized, as a dad making something happen is his job!
She was shaken. After she got off the phone she said.. you know, it doesn't sound like he was in the car. I think he forgot he was supposed to pick me up.
I sat on my hands, gnashed my teeth as quietly as possible.
She felt guilty, but enjoyed the concert that night immensely. And she saw beyond his BS.
I had to get over my own angst (I'd forgotten how completely drenched in guilt I always felt) and just be the mom. When she asked about what to do, I asked what had worked best in the past with their get togethers, that maybe having a schedule would work. And that it's a two way street.
It's tough... but being there as a sounding board on how to deal with difficult situations is one of the best gifts you can give your kids. And let me tell you, I wouldn't want to be a helpless old lady being wheeled into a nursing home by children who hold grudges.
It's tough... but being there as a sounding board on how to deal with difficult situations is one of the best gifts you can give your kids.
Exactly. Sounding board with the occasional "innocent" thought-provoking or putting-back-in-their-court questions. Let them ruminate and draw their own conclusions (when it's SO easy to give them OURS!)
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
And let me tell you, I wouldn't want to be a helpless old lady being wheeled into a nursing home by children who hold grudges.
Ouch! And Amen. Interesting perspective, to say the least.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
The set-up is cruel - why would you expect an 11 year old to make the phone call? That responsibility should be on the adult. In our sitch, each parent calls the kids at about 7 each evening. I even ask the kids if I am interrupting (if they are busy I just say love you and pretty dreams so they can get back to their life). X is more demanding about speaking to them at length during "his" time, no matter what they may be involved in.
Maybe you can tell your son that he can make that suggestion to his mother, as a way to address and resolve the problem...?
