flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

I also want to write about betrayal. Yes, marriage was for life for me, and I am deeply disappointed that H didn't end up feeling the same way. But the REAL betrayal here is H abandoning me as a coparent. I thought I played it safe by waiting 8 years before getting married and 11 years before having our first baby. I had to be sure that he was going to be there as a father and that we would be able to raise our children TOGETHER. I never would have had children if I had doubts in my mind about that. Yes they are wonderful but I did not sign up to be alone in my parenting journey!

And I don't see starting a new R as a solution. Having been raised by a stepfather since age 5, I cannot idealize what it does to a child to have her mother's focus on a new R with all of the emotional turmoil and preoccupation that that involves. And my personal experience tells me that a stepparent is not necessarily a parent. My stepfather is a good man, but he was emotionally distant and I never bonded with him.

When I get to the anger part of my journey, I'm sure that whatever A comes to light will be very triggering. But being abandoned as a coparent is the ultimate betrayal to me. H knew how I felt about all of this...and he still does.