She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

I'm starting to go a little crazy. My mind is startingto wander the closer i get to going home. It's difficult to process the fact that the woman I left will not be the woman I'm returning to. It's also difficult to know there will be no physical contact between her and I.

I obviously still love her, and I'm still physically attracted to her. I've been away for six months, and this isn't the reunion I had envisioned. it's really starting to get me down to know she won't have any interest in me when I return.

[Surviving03]

i feel your pain tbart.... my H comes home tomorrow and I am scared to death about all those same things. This homecoming was supposed to be VERY different than what it is going to be. I cant imagine sharing this house with a person who doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. I am not sure if he will try to be intimate with me, but I am scared for him to do that if all he is going to do is still leave me afterwards. Or have him completely reject me and want to be nowhere near me... it scares me to death. The only thing that even kind of helps me is to try to mentally detach from him... try to act as if this D is really definitly going to happen (which it prob is) and try to tell myself that I dont want to be with this person he has turned into... even if I do end up being with him, its all i can do to stay sane right now is to talk myself into feeling that I dont want this, i dont deserve this, and i do not like this person he is now. WHich is true, I dont. Of course I still love him... of course i still pray for a miracle... maybe you can take comfort in knowing that God will take care of this for you, if it is going to be it will be, even if its a long bumpy road to get there, and if its not meant to be, and there is someone else that needs you more than your W does... well you can take comfort in the fact that a day will come when you ARE happy again. I know its easier said than done, but just give it a try.

[tbart01]

meg this is definitely a difficult situation for the both of us. It's hard enough to deal with when you're there with them, but we've had to do this while not being with them. I have already come to the conclusion that I'm returning home a separated man. It's not what i had envisioned for my return, but that's the reality.

I hope you're able to remain strong, and withhold any returns if he makes advances. What he did needs to be dealt with and not rewarded. he has hurt you, and you don't need to feel played.

i wish it could be like magic, and everything will return to normal once i return home. This however isn't reality, but I will carry on. I know I will be better and stronger for going through this.

I know that when I return home, the two most important ladies in my life will be there waiting for me. That is something that can never be taken away from me.

[steady]

You have been jealous why? What is the root of jealousy? I imagine based on my own experience is because we want to limit their contact with other people who could 'steal' them away from us. Perhaps you are afraid you really aren't enough and you have to control (that's right, jealousy is a a control issue)the people and your environment to make it 'safe' so you don't have to experience you're fears - ie: Her leaving you for another man.

I would imagine this is the root of your jealousy. Jealousy is a symptom not a cause.

The ironic thing is this: The thing we fear and try to avoid - the behavior that we think we need to avoid realizing that fear is the very thing that creates the situation to actually happen.

You are afraid you will lose something you think is yours. So in order to avoid that from happening you need to control the person and environment to keep it her away from anything that may want to 'steal' her. Whenever she is close to someone or in an environmental condition that threatens you, you get jealous. You push this jealousy into her as if she's doing something wrong. She feels this and pulls away. The more she pulls away, the more you feel your fear coming to fruition, the more jealous you get, etc... The situation becomes a self perpetuating machine.

Calling her to apologize was a mistake - but you already know this. Next time, before you call, post it here and get some feedback. If you had, I'll bet you wouldn't have made that call.

I know exactly how you feel. I was there too. The only difference is I have the gift of hindsight. There are hundreds of people like me who can sit here and give you advice. I can't tell you how many people gave me great advice here. I made mistakes, I fell down, got up and dusted off - and if I couldn't get up, someone here stepped up and picked me up.

You want to know how you should act when you come home. Act like nothing is going on. Act like what is happening is having absolutely no impact on you whatsoever. Act like it's just another event in your life. Will you be able to do this? I doubt it...at least I couldn't when I was in your position. I can do it now, because frankly, I don't really give a [censored] anymore. I've been detached for quite some time now.

But you must do it to the best of your ability for where you are right now.

ANY EFFORT TO RECONCILE, APOLOGIZE, EXPLAIN, CONVINCE, ARGUE, BEING NICE, BEING AN ASS - anything at all, will push her further away. Let me repeat, IT WILL PUSH HER FURTHER AWAY.

The sad thing is you can't make detachment happen. It happens when it does - no sooner or later. You can only do your best. In time that best will better than it was.

I see a lot of projection in your posts. The future is going to be such and such... You need to get rid of this. It's a control issue. You have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. You're basing in what you think you know of what's going on right now. But you don't even have a clear picture of what is going on right now, never mind the future.

How do you know she won't be at the airport to pick you up, a bag hits her in the head and everything changes? How do you know she doesn't glance around and see something that points her in a different direction? You don't. So stop trying to guess.

This is what I think you need to do:

Be upbeat. No crying, puppy dog looks, feeling sorry for yourself, hoping, wanting, wishing, regret, etc...if you're thinking it, she'll feel it.

Do not under any circumstances:

Talk about relationship, marriage, future, etc.. If she brings it up be careful because you will probably go into one of the modes you don't want to be in because it will push her away.

Argue or defend or justify or negate her feelings. This is a no brainer but sometimes difficult to do. If you find yourself in this position politely excuse yourself from the conversation and go somewhere and do something physical. Or post it here if you can.

Do not be overly nice or overly polite or overly giving. No matter what you do she will think you are only doing it because you want her back. That's how I started off that way when I first came here. But after a while that all changed. It turned into saving myself and not saving my marriage as the focus point. And that made all the difference.

I think that's enough for now. Digest all the posts that are here from all these people who in a similar situation.

Oh, one last thing:

DETACH DETACH DETACH

And just because I said it's easier said than done, don't use that as an excuse for not doing it. Your mind should be focused on detaching. Use it as a mantra, repeating it over and over again in your head or out loud when no one is around.

[steady]

I know I will be better and stronger for going through this.

If you follow the advice you get here and in Michelle's book:

You have no idea how true your words are.

I look back now and see that what I went through has turned me into the man I wanted to be instead of the man I had become. Perhaps this was the only way I could have gotten to where I am.

Something I forgot to add above:

There are two tracks running right now. Her track and your track. They are completely different tracks. You need to keep your eye on yours, and keep them off of hers.

If she talks to you about anything to do with the R just validate her feelings...even if you think they are 'wrong'. She will re-write the past, embellish events, say things that didn't happen, etc... it's a script. Don't buy into any of it..they are just words. Do not try to defend, justify or somehow try to convince her that what she believes, thinks and feels is somehow wrong. It's her experience, let her have it.

[steady]

Go read these posts:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1714027#Post1714027

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1721821#Post1721821

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1714027#Post1714027

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1714107#Post1714107

If you get a chance read through my entire situation. There are 10 threads. It will take you time but you'll see what I went through and you will see many similarities to your own sitch. You'll see the great advice I got, the mistakes I made, things I did well and in the last threads you will see a lot of what I learned in hindsight.

[tbart01]

Steady thank you for the advice. My jealousy is a deep rooted issue from my childhood. i was attending counseling for it before i had to deploy, and will continue to do so when I return home.

I know I need to detach, and I have done a fairly decent job at it. However, it's difficult when you have children to talk to and you're deployed. I only talk to her when she calls me, except for my slip up the other day.

I have had revelations the last few days on what I need to work on with myself. I've fixed allot of my flaws, but some take more time than others.

I really do look forward to going home and standing on my own two feet. it's not something I planned or wanted to do, but I have no choice but to do so. I know I can do it, but I've never had to, and I invite the challenge.

I will take the time to read those posts and your sitch. I'm still waiting for my copy of DR to arrive, and I will read it more than once.

[tbart01]

Steady i just re-read everything you wrote to me, and I must say it's all wonderful advice. I just hope I can adhere to it. Like I said before, it doesn't really become a reality until I get home and live it. I just hope that when i get home I will be able to do all things I've been told here, and what I will learn from DR once it finally arrives.

[steady]

tbart, what branch of the military are you in? And how long have you been in?

When I have more time I will respond so some of your earlier posts. You've gotten awesome advice by a lot of people here and it's easy to not go back. I'd suggest you go back to page 1 and SLOWLY read through until you get to this post. You'll see all the advice and posts from a different perspective.

You have a lot to absorb in a short period of time. Put yourself in war mode. Now war against your W, but war against yourself - gear up. You can do this. If you can stand in the battle zone, you certainly can do what you need to do to fight this battle.

You're not allowing your training to come through. Now we'll integrate that training you got and apply it to the sitch you're in.

[tbart01]

I've been in the Air Force for 20 years.

Today I recieved a Facebook message from a friend of ours who said she s done with my W. She says she has several times over the last couple weeks e-mailed her, facebooked her and texted her about getting together for lunch, dinner, drinks, coffee, anything just to catch up and W has ignored. She says the issues between the W and I started before I deployed.

The part I don't like is when the friend said she has kept her mouth shut because she doesn't want to get involved with what is going on with us because she cares about us both. She says she's pissed off that there is so much she want's to tell me but she doesn't want to be the bad guy and possibly ruin our progress. She also thinks my W can be a vindictave bitch, and if things are working out between us than thats great and she doesn't want to add fuel to the fire. She says maybe she will tell me everything in good time.

I'm really not sure how to take this message and what I should do about it. Naturally I want to know and obviously I'm thinking the worse. I can't handle any more than I already know until I get home.

This is already starting to bring me down. I had to go see a doctor because things just weren't right with me. I was shaking, upset stomach, constant headaches. The stress and emotions have just been all the place for me. He did a complete work up and I was healthy. Unfortunately, their now sending me over to mental health to be evaluated.

I just don't know what to do right now.