The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

They both know I don't want it. My suspicion is that W knows how much the girls want us back together and can't bring herself to tell them.

D7 tonight wished on the first star tonight and her wish was that mommy and daddy would get back together. D11 got this look of sadness and mouthed the words "it's not going to happen."

I wished for them to have the best summer yet. D11 wished to become a great chef. That made me laugh.

She can spin this all she wants. She's been trying to all along, telling them that she wants me to find someone more suited for me, that she's doing it for me.

D11 for sure knows this is not my choice. I've told D7 I wish every day that I was home with her.

[ClingingToHope]

Years from now I'm pretty sure D11 and D7 are going to remember this school year as the year mommy and daddy split up.

But I think the second memory will be that every day I was there to greet them off the bus and ask them how their day was. I absolutely, positively have loved the after-school time with them.

Today was great. The sun was out and D7 filled me in on her day as I walked her to the apartment. D11 had a tougher day -- the anti-drug teacher freaked her out with a bunch of scare-em-straight stories. Still, she filled me in as we walked back from the bus stop.

W is trying to cut into it with her initial proposal. Her lawyer wrote that I "consider it somewhat of an inconvenience."

Not at all. Not at all.

I had to laugh when reading it that W proposed seeing them off the bus twice a week. Let's see, it's a 15 to 20 minute drive across town for her. If she's not there when the bus pulls up, they won't drop D7 off so she absolutely can't be late. Then, once the sitter is there, she'll have to drive 15 to 20 minutes back across town. So that's two hours every week from a person who averages 60 hours.

With her job, there's no way she'd be able to live up to it. Again, her career gets in the way.

But that's her issue. I'm pretty sure come next year I'll be greeting them again every day.

Spring break is coming up. Beginning Monday I'll see them 19 days in a row. They'll stay overnight 10 of those days. I'll have them during the day nine straight days and we'll spend three of them in Florida.

That's going to be fun.

Feeling good.

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi Clinging. So sorry to hear about your sitch, but so glad you are being a great dad. Sometimes I forget there are a lot of husbands out there who were not the spouse who walked. Where in Illinois are you from? I live in Oak Park, but I am from the city.

[ClingingToHope]

We're not supposed to give out too much info. I'm down the road on I-90 in a town next to R*ckf*rd.

[ClingingToHope]

Good GALing night. Went to a business networking meeting and met several new people. Signed up for two Meet.com groups, although honestly I'm running out of free nights.

You can't have too much to do.

[whatisis]

Sounds great! I keep busy with my church activities and often find I'm way too busy. It's hard to find that happy medium especially when you have no one to come home to but a turtle (who really doesn't give a damn whether you're there or not...except at feeding time)!

[ClingingToHope]

Ah, the complications begin. W doesn't like the final candidate for the after school sitting job. So she signed D7 up for Y care after school. She didn't tell me until after D7 told me in the car.

She called to say she was going to see if D11 could go to a friend's house after school.

That way it would save her money and she'd be able to deduct the daycare on her taxes next year.

It's smart financially, but right now I get to see the kids after school every day and she'd be taking that away from me -- without even discussing it.

I told her on the phone that's four fewer days a week that I get to see them and I don't like that. She said she can't afford the money she was paying the sitter and she needs to deduct it.

She asked if she could at least ask the friend's mom if D11 could go over there.

I said she could ask. Then I emailed me attorney to see what my options are.

Since that would be 4 to 5 hours fewer a week with the girls I asked the L if I should propose an additional night a week. That'd be Thursdays and we'd be up to a 50/50 custody split.

This is where it gets tricky since I'll be fighting her request for full custody.

[ClingingToHope]

I got a response back from my L. He says we have to agree on stuff like this together. He also talked to W's L and they picked out a mediator.

I know I'm supposed to wait on responding, but I'm going to be out of town today and tomorrow and I'm tired of W thinking she gets to call all of the shots. So I texted her to let her know I sent the following email.

"W, you can’t unilaterally make a decision about the girls that takes time away from them that I now get.

I’m upset that you signed D7 up for Y Care without discussing it with me at all. We could have put the ad back in the paper or just looked on the list again. I just sent you names of three other people who would work.

I assume you already know that I’m not agreeing that you be the sole physical custodian. Even if I did agree, it’s still joint custody overall and we would have to come to an agreement what’s best for them – even if it didn’t affect my time with them.

I know D7 is excited. She’s mentioned Y care before. If we were still together, I’d say, great, this saves us money. We’re not though and I treasure every single second I get to spend with them.

If the (friends who would watch D11) say yes then great, but that means seven days and at least seven to eight hours every two weeks that I don’t get to see them. I love getting to talk with them about their day and they love being able to see me every day. I doubt they want to see me less. So we need to come up with a plan where I get that time back somewhere else. I’ll trade the after school days for Thursday nights.

The schedule as it is now is too herky-jerky on my weekends. Wednesday with me, Thursday with you, then Friday, Saturday, Sunday with me. It should be a smooth switchover. Five days with you, two with you, two with me, then five days with me."

...

I'm assuming she'll say no to the switch because it would mean 50/50 on nights, which would put me in a much stronger position should mediation not work.

Our two Ls also agreed on a mediator and I asked W if she wanted to call to set up a time.

This whole thing really has gone remarkably smoothly. Now it'll get interesting and divisive.

I mean what if she doesn't respond and on Monday I have no idea what they are doing? I can find out from the friends who would host D11 if she's supposed to go there. I could just do an eye-for-an-eye thing and leave work at 3:45 p.m. every day to pick up the girls and then keep them until 6:00 every night.

It's a haul up to where D11 would be staying. It'd cost me about $20 a week in gas. But so what.

[smith18]

I am a big fan of the 5/5/2/2 schedule. I always get the kids on Mon/Tue. I have Wed/Thur for myself. And we alternate Fri/Sat/Sun. It has been working out great for 2 years.

But we never had any issues on setting up the parenting plan between us. The complications are for the financials and it is best to let the 2 L's haggle as it gets difficult for the divorcing spouses to do the business talk without having emotions getting in the way.

[ClingingToHope]

Kerry, the financials unfortunately are the problem. Back in February we met face-to-face and I said joint physical custody is all I care about. She agreed as long as she could figure out a way to get out of the house or refinance.

But after seeing an attorney she changed her tune and is going for sole custody because she couldn't afford the house without full child support even though she doesn't plan on staying in the house anyway.

Luckily I'll be in Chicago over the weekend working so I won't be stressing over the sitch, but if I don't here from her by the time I get back on Sunday night I'm going to be forced to call.

She makes $12k more a year than me. But the tradeoff is I have a way more flexible schedule. This week, without someone after school to watch the girls, I essentially stayed home with them four of the five days.

That would be my argument to a judge. I have a job that allows me to take the girls to school, pick them up, take them to doctor's appointments, take them to play practice or girl scouts.

Bev has to get help from me and her mother to fill in these duties and sometimes she cuts corners. Twice she's left D11 home alone when she was sick because she couldn't take the day off and she wouldn't ask me to do it.